


Across the Way

by SkyChasingDreamer



Category: Gintama
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Play, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Arguing, Banter, Biting, Blood, Bloodplay, Bondage, Boys Kissing, Developing Relationship, Drug Use, Drugs, Fluff and Angst, Kissing, Loneliness, M/M, Minor Violence, Neighbors, Oral Fixation, Oral Sex, Past Drug Use, Rough Sex, Roughness, Rutting, Sadism, Scratching, Sex, Sexual Content, Smoking, Smut, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-01
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-01-17 20:32:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 80,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1401550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyChasingDreamer/pseuds/SkyChasingDreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It sort of helps sometimes to be able to look across the way and see Gintoki there doing something so normal, so human, like reading the paper or making himself something to eat. But that doesn't always apply since Hijikata has caught Gintoki dancing around the apartment to loud music with a feather duster in his hand and a white headband around his forehead. GinHijiGin. AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Leave the Window Open and Keep Your Mouth Full of Smoke

Image Made For Me By: [xfreischutz](http://xfreischutz.tumblr.com/)

 

Hijikata wakes up like he always does and the first thing he reaches for is his pack of cigarettes. It's part of his ritual and there's just something about waking up knowing he'll have to deal with the day that makes smoking right away a priority. It's something he has gotten so used to that he gets really cranky if he misses it for any reason, it just ruins his whole day. He gets out of bed and walks over to his window seat, the window itself already cracked open to let cool, fresh air inside. He tends to keep it open all the time, only closing it when it rains and the wind blows in just the right way to drive the water inside.

The window seat is easily the most comfortable thing in his whole apartment, but that might just be his biased opinion since it's his favorite place to sit. He sleeps on it sometimes, the only problem is that he's a restless sleeper and being on a seat doesn't end well for him because he ends up with a lot of cricks in weird places. He sits on it now and sighs contentedly as he adjusts a couple of the pillows to suit his current needs. He lights his cigarette and takes a deep breath, already starting off his morning right.

Out of sheer habit, his eyes stray to the apartment directly across from his. His neighbor over there is a... lively fellow – and he uses the term neighbor in the lightest sense considering they live in different buildings. It's dark in Gintoki's apartment and Hijikata honestly can't say that that's normal at this hour. It hasn't been mentioned yet, but it's six in the morning, the sun is about halfway up and thankfully not shining directly in Hijikata's eyes. Anyway, Gintoki has the most fucked up sleeping habits Hijikata has ever witnessed in his short twenty-six years. Gintoki is up at the weirdest fucking hours and he does the strangest shit, Hijikata can't make heads or tails of the guy.

And just to be clear – Hijikata doesn't spy, he's not that kind of man and he finds little interest in the existence of others, but he does find himself looking into Gintoki's apartment more than once everyday. Only because it's literally right across the way and he has nowhere else to look when he smokes or spends time in his window seat. Gintoki has been living there for three months and Hijikata has to, however grudgingly, admit that he's a step up from the old spinster that used to live there. And also just to be clear – he and Gintoki aren't friends, they can barely be considered acquaintances.

They've run into each other twice before, once at a nearby cafe and once in passing down the sidewalk. Gintoki would have walked with him when they'd passed each other, but Hijikata had sped up and ducked out of sight after he'd glanced back and seen Gintoki debating it. A cafe is where they'd met, which is pretty normal, but nothing about Gintoki is really _normal_ from what Hijikata can tell. Hijikata had been in there stocking up on the blackest of black coffee beans and Gintoki had gotten a frappe. Hijikata only remembers because the fucking thing had been so disgustingly wrought with sugar content that the pure horror of it had seared itself on Hijikata's poor brain and it will stick there until he dies. The frappe was also Hijikata's first clue that Gintoki is no ordinary many, but a really fucking weird one with terrible taste in food.

Aside from that, there hadn't been anything really significant about the meeting. Gintoki had approached him and said he looked familiar and lo, he'd put together that their apartments face each other. Hijikata had recognized Gintoki right away from all the times he'd seen him through the window, but no, it'd been a lot more amusing to watch Gintoki struggle and play a guessing game to figure it out. From that point on, the experience of their meeting had turned sour because for the love of god, Gintoki wouldn't just shut the fuck up. Hijikata had never invited him to speak to him or to keep speaking and... actually, there's nothing inviting about Hijikata at all, so he _really_ doesn't know why Gintoki had yammered on and on about the dumbest stuff.

But ever since then, things changed, though, Hijikata hadn't noticed at first. Just little things, like, it used to be that Gintoki's window would be mostly covered with the ugliest drapes Hijikata's has ever seen, but now Gintoki is suddenly at his window a lot more and the drapes stay pushed aside whether he's there or not. He'll appear every now and then and smile and wave and without fail, Hijikata just ignores him until he goes away. However, Gintoki has never been deterred and usually just smiles before one of them wanders off.

He's fucking weird.

In a way, Hijikata can almost say he has gotten to know Gintoki a little via window watching. He has seen Gintoki bring lovers back and though Hijikata isn't interested, he never looks away, why should he? There's no reason for him to move away from his window just because Gintoki doesn't close his for privacy when he somehow manages to find someone willing to sleep with him. Hijikata has seen a lot of different things, like how Gintoki will lift his partner for the night up and carry them off and he has also seen Gintoki chase them to the room, shedding clothes the whole way – idiot likes to laugh, apparently. It's of no matter to Hijikata, but it's kind of like watching a TV show, but in real time. There's one time Hijikata still swears he saw Gintoki look back at him before being tugged into his room by his shirt, but he'd had a lot to drink that night, so it probably was just his imagination. Aside from lovers, he has seen Gintoki yell at someone on the phone and throw his arms around like a child having a temper tantrum. He has seen Gintoki get up with the sun and, he can't prove it, but he has a hunch he has seen Gintoki get up well into the afternoon.

Overall though, Hijikata doesn't pay too much attention to the guy. They exist and sometimes interact at a distance, but that's it. He doesn't know why he's wasting time with any of it, it's more just another useless thing he has to deal with. Hijikata would even forgo his window if he could, but he has grown too used to the seat and the sill and getting the fresh air. There's cigarette burns all over the sill and a tray in the corner that he cleans his cigarette butts out of every few days. His fingers are nicotine stained and there's always a lingering satiation of tobacco, he's a cloud of smoke, basically, and he just... really likes his window. It's his territory, a place he can mark up and make his own.

His apartment is tiny, one bed, one bath. There's a small kitchen, a living room, a closet, a pantry, his bedroom, and that's all. He has no complaints, it works for him and anything bigger would be pointless and go unused. Hell, he could get rid of his kitchen and still be able to function just fine since he tends to stop and get fast food on his way back. He has a thing for grease and anything doused in mayonnaise will suit his needs. He doesn't cook, doesn't really know how other than microwaveable things and coffee, and he really doesn't know why he has a TV when all he turns it on for is the weather channel.

He finishes his cigarette and stubs it out, eyes glancing up to Gintoki's apartment. It's dark and hasn't shown any signs of life for days now. Maybe he's staying with a friend or a lover or something, Hijikata really can't care and it's none of his business. He yawns and stretches, his back cracking and he lets out a satisfied sound. It sort of helps sometimes to be able to look across the way and see Gintoki there doing something so normal, so human, like reading the paper or making himself something to eat. But that doesn't always apply since Hijikata has caught Gintoki dancing around the apartment to loud music with a feather duster in his hand and a white headband around his forehead. Has he mentioned that the guy is really fucking weird?

Whatever.

Hijikata takes his time smoking his next cigarette, he usually has two or three, and then he's up and getting ready for work. He gets a plain gray shirt with short sleeves out of the bureau on the other side of the bed and tugs on some jeans. The jeans are snug, he needs new ones, he has had this pair for years, but they're his favorite pair and he doesn't care if he has outgrown them a little. He goes to the bathroom and brushes his teeth while his coffee brews itself – he has it set to a timer so he doesn't have to think about it in the mornings – and he brushes a comb through his hair to get it in order. He'd fallen asleep right after his shower last night, so his hair is a little messier than usual, but it's an easy fix.

Done, he goes into the kitchen and pours his coffee into one of his two portable cups that have lids. He's yawning as he leaves, making sure to lock the apartment up on his way. The hall is slightly dirty and the elevator is out of order, but the place hasn't been renovated in years, so it's no surprise the place is slowly falling apart. He's yawning again when he gets outside and he sips at his coffee as he walks. It takes fifteen minutes to walk to work if he doesn't stop, so he hasn't ever felt the need for a car when everything is within walking distance.

It's just another day, same as the one before. He greets people who call out to him with a nod of his head and makes his way to his desk. He works at a police station, but he's a pencil pusher and sits at a desk all day filling out and filing paperwork. It's not very complex, but it's a job and it pays the bills and it gets him through the day. He'll do an interrogation when it's required of him and helps out his brother, since he's an officer, whenever Tamegoro asks for it. He's good at what he does and he raises no complaints – except maybe when Sougo gets on his fucking nerves. Kondo is typically the one that puts an end to those disputes and... that's really the extent of Hijikata's day.

Today is a quiet one and he isn't bothered once since most everyone else is out on patrol or following up leads. Hijikata has lunch – a bag of chips he got from the vending machine – with his brother and he listens to Tamegoro talk about his wife and how the TV stopped working because a squirrel had eaten through a power cord. He always likes spending time with Tamegoro and not just because they're the only family they have left. He genuinely loves and enjoys his brother, he's a good man and one of the only people that doesn't piss Hijikata off.

After lunch, the afternoon goes by pretty quick, Hijikata never runs out of things to do. He likes being kept busy, it's something he thrives on, and the place is never lacking in paperwork. It's after work that Hijikata finds himself having problems. The day finishes and even though he'd stayed late like he always does, he doesn't feel all that tired. Usually so much paperwork – it's a Friday, there's _always_ extra paperwork the day before the weekend – tuckers him out to the point he can barely think. But today he feels more or less fine, his eyes hurt, they sting, he's just not mentally tired enough, which isn't good. Worse, he doesn't work tomorrow. He used to work weekends too, but suddenly there was a policy that employees need to take one to two days off per week, so, Hijikata can't come back until Sunday.

Sighing, he finishes up the last of what he wants to get done and heads out. He regrets not grabbing his jacket, with the sun going down it's rather chilly out and the hairs along his arms stand on end. It's only when he's halfway back to his apartment that he realizes he forgot his cup and that's... really annoying. Sometimes the simplest things can piss him off and put him in a foul mood, he'll never claim to have much patience for anything except his family, namely, his brother that he's intensely protective of.

Given that he's not tired and has nothing to do and is now in a mood one step away from homicidal, he stops in at a bar. It's one he goes to from time to time, though, he can't say he goes enough to be a regular. It's one of the few people can still smoke inside of and today he's just craving something that will take the edge off. Usually cigarettes can do that, but sometimes they're just not enough. He doesn't talk to anyone while he's there and he only stays long enough for a half a pack of cigarettes, a shot, and two glasses of beer.

When he stands, he concedes he might have had a little too much to drink because his first step is wobbly. He goes to the bathroom to take a piss, his bladder is close to bursting, and that's how he definitely knows he had a bit too much. He's mentally applauds himself for being able to aim and not pee outside the toilet, but he has to lean pretty heavily against the wall to keep himself upright. Not his proudest moment ever, but... really, it's not like he cares, plus, there's no one there to see him. Flushing, he staggers his way to the sink and washes his hand – it will not be discussed how much water he accidentally splashes onto himself.

He hiccups as he leaves and it takes all his concentration to be able to walk. He knows he has a flush in his cheeks and nothing should be spinning, but everything is. His head is foggy and he has to thank instinct and repetition for taking him the right way to his apartment. It's a miracle he makes it to the building and as he pulls his keys from his pocket to let himself in a side door, he makes the mistake of glancing up. Gintoki is sitting on the edge of the sidewalk across the street and Hijikata cusses when they see each other and Gintoki stands up. Focusing on the keys, Hijikata fumbles with them and tries to find the right one so he can get inside before Gintoki shows –

“Afternoon, mayora!”

Hijikata hisses like his soul is coming out of his mouth. “Din't I tell ya not t'call me that?”

“Yeah,” Gintoki replies and takes the keys to fiddle with them until the one Hijikata needs is picked out. “This one might work better than the mayo bottle keychain. Your key is kinda identical to the one I use over there,” he points to his complex, “you don't need to glare at me like that, you know.”

There's alcohol on his breath, Hijikata notices, and he knows it's not himself because he doesn't drink whiskey. He tries the key and has trouble getting it into the lock and Gintoki isn't helping. Why is he standing so close? Hijikata pushes him with his shoulder, but the fucker doesn't budge. He pauses with the key and slyly peers at Gintoki, glaring right at his chest. He has seen Gintoki take off his shirt before and the guy has actual muscles where reason dictates he should have flab from all the sugar intake.

“What d'ya want?”

“Nothin', I guess.”

Hijikata hiccups and – eureka! – gets the key in the lock as he growls, “So what're ya doin' here?”

“Locked myself out of my apartment.”

“No spare?”

“Landlord is out and the guy who has my spare is halfway across the world.”

Hijikata tries to open the door, but Gintoki's foot is in the way so it can only open so far, not enough for Hijikata to slip through. It's flustering and bothersome and troublesome and there really is no honest to god reason why Gintoki needs to be standing so close and crowding him.

“Choose better friends,” he snarls, ready to punch the bastard.  
Gintoki puts his arm on the wall and blocks him in. “I'm trying to.”

Hijikata gives him the best glare he can muster. “Move yer foot.”

“No.”

He's smirking, why is the asshole smirking? Hijikata tries to open the door again and makes sure to slam it as hard as he can against Gintoki's foot, but he still doesn't budge or even give any indication that it hurt. He's still leaning in, invading Hijikata's space and it makes his skin crawl. He hiccups again and tries stomping on Gintoki's foot, earning a wince, but Gintoki remains where he is and _laughs_.

“Wanna know something, Oogushi-kun?”

“That's not m'name!”

Gintoki leans in and Hijikata freezes, a hand balled up at his side ready to strike. The bastard keeps leaning in until his lips are brushing Hijikata's ear and any other time, Hijikata would have clocked someone for doing this, beaten them to a bloody pulp for daring! But he's stock still instead, face scrunched up from glaring and trying to see straight and when had his hand risen to touch Gintoki's chest?

“You look like you could use a good fuck,” Gintoki whispers, his breath hot and wet against Hijikata's ear.

There's a shudder that ripples down his spine and the next breath that comes from his mouth is unsteady and choppy. Heat slams into his face and also into the pit of his stomach – it has been a long time since he has even thought about sex. It's the booze, it _must_ be the booze, because all it takes to make him let out a little moan is Gintoki lightly biting on his earlobe. His fingers curl in Gintoki's shirt and he's disgusted with himself, but he knows he's going to give in. He's not gay, but he has slept with men before and without a goddamn doubt, he could definitely go for a good fuck right now. It's dangerous, he doesn't know enough about Gintoki to warrant sex, but that's part of the allure, it's part of how much Hijikata doesn't care.

Gintoki's lips skim the curve of his jaw, not kissing, just touching, his breath warm against the cool air. Hijikata can feel his hard body under his hand and the doorway seems too small for them both, like Gintoki is taking up all the space, filling the void. That's what Hijikata wants right now, it's why he'd stopped for a drink, and when Gintoki's hand curves around Hijikata's hips, it's over. His inhibitions become completely thrown as he wraps his arm around Gintoki's shoulders and turns his head until he feels those lips against his own.

It's sloppy and rough, it's not meant to be anything else, and Hijikata finds himself being backed up through the doorway into the building. There's a strong arm around his waist that's keeping him close and he hears the jangling of keys, but he's not thinking too much about it. He grabs onto Gintoki's shirt with both hands and yanks him toward where he knows the stairs to be. He trips more than once, but the arm around his waist doesn't fail in keeping him on his feet.

They break apart at the mouth only when there's the sound of a door closing loudly up above, but Hijikata doesn't pause to look up. He turns and goes up the stairs, but he only makes it up one flight before Gintoki has him pressed into a wall and is kissing him again. This would be more annoying if Gintoki weren't such a good kisser – though, Hijikata can't be sure of that just yet seeing as he's inebriated and any kissing would probably be considered good kissing at this point in time. He lets himself be kissed into the wall and sinks a hand into Gintoki's hair – what kind of man has red eyes, anyway?

“What floor?”

It takes Hijikata a few seconds to process the question while lips kiss down his neck. “Mmm... fifth?”

A deep chuckle and hot breath. “You sure?”

Hijikata hits his shoulder for that. “Yeah.”

Gintoki nods and pulls away to push Hijikata up the stairs first. He has a hold on Hijikata's hip as they stumble up and Hijikata hisses when lips touch the back of his neck. Fuck, it's like Gintoki is everywhere somehow and he can't keep up with it. Gintoki presses up so close behind him, it's amazing they can even walk at all, and Hijikata's face can't get any more heated than it already is. He trips over a step and Gintoki staggers with him, but his hands, his _fucking_ hands, tighten and keep them both upright. The squeezes feel good, Hijikata almost hopes they'll leave bruises, he doesn't mind that kind of roughness in a fling.

Hijikata stops in front of his door and slaps a palm against it, announcing that they've arrived. Gintoki pulls out Hijikata's keys and unlocks the door for them, barely able to get them back out once the door is open. The second they're through it, Hijikata gets lifted off the ground and he's quick to wrap his legs around Gintoki's waist. He barely knows this man and right now, he doesn't care, he really just doesn't. Gintoki's attractive enough and whether or not he'll be a decent lay has yet to be determined. It has been so long since Hijikata has had a one night stand and the thrill of it has always been something along the lines of intoxicating. There's so much danger in letting a complete stranger into his apartment, but it's a risk he's going to take because goddamn it all, this feels good.

It's escapism, it's letting go, it's surrendering, it's dipping into territory that should be traversed with caution, and Hijikata throws himself into it head first. That's weird for him, he's usually more logical, usually thinks things through, but not right now. Gintoki's lips are plump and soft, so unlike his own chapped lips from licking them so often and smoking as much as he does and it just _feels good_. It's what he wants, what he needs to satisfy himself for now, and he'd gotten so caught up just kissing Gintoki that he's surprised when he's thrown down on the bed.

His legs are still wrapped around Gintoki's waist, which pulls him down too, and he pulls at the bastard's shirt until he takes it off. He runs his hands down Gintoki's muscled stomach and cups his crotch, the heat and hard line of his cock making him moan. Lips are back on his and he's ready, more than ready, to be fucked into the mattress, fucked until he can no longer muster the energy to move his body, and Gintoki feels like just the right person to give him what he needs.

**To Be Continued**

 


	2. Garbage and Trash are Legitimate Terms for Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the one night stand, Hijikata has to contend with the consequences. He has no idea what he's in for and never in all his life has he ever dealt with someone like his new natural perm problem.

Hijikata wakes up slowly, the ache in his back the first thing he feels. He runs a tired hand over his face and sighs, thanking all the things that his bed is empty and he's alone. His head kind of hurts, but overall, he feels _good_. He has hickeys all over his body, a few bite marks, too, and all the aches make him arch his back with a pleased hum as he stretches. His hand brushes a bite mark on his lowest rib on his right side and it's so deep it damn near drew blood and Hijikata doesn't mind one bit. Despite being a general idiot, Gintoki is a fantastic lay. Thank god he's gone though, Hijikata isn't into that morning after crap.

He reaches for his cigarettes like he always does, but stops halfway... there's a voice coming from the kitchen. It's low, he recognizes it as his brother's and he suspects he's on the phone with someone. But then Hijikata's blood turns to ice when he hears a second voice, lower and less familiar. His heart skips a beat in panic and he hurries out of bed, forgetting completely about his sore ass and aching body. He almost falls and grabs his back, wincing against the pain as he hobbles to the bureau for clothes.

“Goddamn fuckin' asshole bastard and his stupid big cock – gonna fuckin' kill him –”

He keeps grumbling to himself as he frantically tries to dress and he only ends up putting on a robe before checking his appearance – making sure those pesky hickeys can't be seen – and heading out. And of course, there's Gintoki sitting with Tamegoro at the small kitchen table drinking coffee and chatting like they've done this a thousand times.

“Morning!” Gintoki greets and Hijikata, dumbfounded, not knowing what to do in the face of this, shuffles over to pour himself some coffee.

“Hey, hey, little bro!”

Hijikata makes a growling noise and waves halfheartedly as he hides his expression by turning his back. The smell of coffee is strong in the kitchen and when he reaches for his mug, he has a favorite mug he always has set out for the days he doesn't work, he... twists back to glare at Gintoki who's talking so easily with Tamegoro.

“You've got my mug.”

Gintoki stops mid-sentence and glances at the mug in his hand. “Do I? My bad, but this is your apartment, aren't all the mugs here technically yours?”

“Shuddap.”

Lips pursing, Hijikata uses a different one and it pisses him off that his routine has been broken. Not just because of the mug, but he hasn't had his morning cigarettes yet and there's a stone sitting in his gut.

“You wait right here, gonna use the restroom, and then tell you all the reasons why you're wrong about this coming football season.”

“I am wrong about _nothing_!” Gintoki retorts with a laugh and Hijikata is ready to break the bastard's neck. 

Storming over once Tamegoro is out of sight, leaving his barely touched coffee on the counter, he grabs Gintoki's shirt and hauls him to his feet.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Currently having some coffee and enjoying some company. Your brother is very pleasant... what happened to you?”

“No. Not that. Why are you still here? And – and fuck! What the fuck have you told him?”

“Well, you were still sleeping and I was getting ready to go when your brother came in. Naturally he asked who I was, that's what big bros are supposed to do when they find a stranger in their little bros apartment, ne?”

Hijikata hits him. “Fuck you! What'd ya tell him?”

“Mostly the truth.” Hijikata raises a hand to knock his fucking teeth out, but Gintoki squeaks and grabs his wrist. “Wait, wait, wait! I told him I'm your neighbor and got locked out and you let me stay here! Mostly the truth, yes, it is!”

Hijikata closes his eyes and relaxes his arm. “So... he doesn't know we slept together?”

“I didn't specify. Pretty sure he assumes I slept on the couch.” Gintoki glances in the direction of said piece of furniture. “But to be honest, it looks like garbage. Did you get it off the side of the road, what's up with that thing?”

“There's nothing wrong with my couch,” Hijikata says, still glaring. Letting him go, Hijikata slumps into a chair and grabs his mug. He doesn't drink, it's just something warm to hold onto, but then he remembers that it's not his mug right now because Gintoki hijacked it, so he kicks Gintoki's shin. “Gimme my cup.”

Gintoki stands up to get it for him and Hijikata actually does take a sip of it because his headache has only gotten worse. He needs a cigarette, but he wants to wait until his brother leaves, he doesn't like to smoke around him.

Gintoki's still standing behind him, but he doesn't realize this until warm lips touch the back of his neck and the bastard is whispering, “Feel that hickey on your chest?” Hijikata freezes and stiffens. “The one just below your collarbones? I sucked that into you before I got up and even asleep, you _liked it_.”

“D-did not!” Hijikata replies sharply in a low voice and strikes his elbow back.

Gintoki grunts and steps away just as the bathroom door opens and Tamegoro comes back. Hijikata's doing his best to keep his face from heating up any more than it already has and promptly downs some of his coffee. He can  _feel_ the hickey without having to see it, it has a little throb to it that's synonymous with his rapid heartbeat. He sips his coffee as inconspicuously as possible, but can't hide the way his leg is bouncing irritably up and down beneath the table.

“Sorry, I should be heading out, rain check on that chat?” Gintoki says, downing the rest of his drink and taking the mug to the sink.

“I understand, do what you need to,” Tamegoro replies, retaking his seat. “I can school you on sports anytime of day.”

Gintoki laughs and reaches over to shake Tamegoro's hand. “I'll make you rue those words, but take care until then.”

“Yeah, yeah, nice meeting you.”

“You, too!” Hijikata jumps when Gintoki's hand lands on his shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “See ya around, Oogushi-kun!”

“That is not my name!” Hijikata yells, but all he gets in answer is a laugh as Gintoki leaves through the door.

After a long pause, Tamegoro says, “So... Gintoki seems nice.”

Hijikata rubs both hands over his face and makes a disgusted noise. “He's a disaster.”

“Really? I kinda like him. Good of you to let him stay the night.”

“Never again. He can sleep in the middle of the road for all I care.” Removing his hands, he eyes his brother. “Why're you here, anyway?”

Tamegoro drinks more of his coffee. “Picking up something for the wife nearby, thought I'd drop in. Glad I did, you're usually up before no and you don't typically reek of booze.”

“It was a late night.”

“By yourself?”

“Yeah, til that bastard showed up.”

“Ah. Here I thought you'd made a friend.”

Hijikata sends him a look thick with the most repulsion he can muster. “If you knew him, you wouldn't be saying that.”

“No? He seemed nice enough... has terrible taste in football, though. Where does he live?”

“Building across the street.”

“Oh, wow! I thought it was just a different floor or down the hall, but a whole building away? You sure you're not friends?”

“Yes, I'm sure. Really no that big a deal, his window lines up with mine.” He downs some more of his coffee and he's itching for a cigarette. “Shit – wait! Not a word of this to Sougo!”

Tamegoro tips his head from side to side in deliberation. “I'll keep my mouth shut, but only if you promise to be nice to Sakata-san if you ever do see him again. He really seemed like a great guy.”

Hijikata grinds his teeth, but nods, he can't deny his brother anything. They talk some more after that and Hijikata relaxes into the familiar flow of conversation. They talk about work and how Tamegoro won't be around on Monday because he's going on a trip to give a speech at a school in a different county. Tamegoro is great at those things, giving speeches, representing the department, Hijikata has so much respect for him. Everyone who meets him does, even Gintoki probably does already, that's just the kind of person Tamegoro is. But that gene skipped right on over Hijikata because he's definitely more the short tempered snarly unapproachable type.

Tamegoro stays for another half an hour or so and Hijikata sees him off, ignoring any and all comments about his robe. He takes a shower once he's on his own and he makes it quick so he won't dwell on all the marks covering his body. He felt better after cleaning the sweat and dried cum off himself and sighed as he changed into jeans and a plain tee.

Hijikata then spends the rest of his day off annoyed and mostly homicidal. He can't stay still, so he leaves his apartment even knowing that means he'll have to deal with the rest of the populace, which he isn't happy about. He doesn't have to talk to anyone though, so he consoles himself with that and lets his feet do the walking. He ends up at the park and he's not surprised by that at all. It's about a twenty minute walk from his apartment and he doesn't go often enough to say he frequents it, but he does go enough to say he has a spot. He meanders to it every time he's there, it's a good place for him to clear his head and he can smoke in peace without worrying about bothering anyone with the smell.

Within the park, there's a large pond, it's pretty, its water clean and maintained. Ducks, swans, and geese swim about and koi lurk just below the surface, scouting the murky depths. He'll feed them sometimes, bring some bread with him to toss at them. His spot is just off the pond under a cluster of trees where there's no bench, but he uses the overgrown tree roots as a seat and he can lean against the trunk of one of the trees.

Big Bertha.

He named the tree.

He seats himself there and lights up another cigarette – he must have had at least four on the way – and that's about the time his phone goes off. Taking it out of his pocket, he stares at the screen with pinched brows, not recognizing the ID Ian Cognito. Flipping his phone open, the text reads: _Just washed your cum off my thighs._ Gargling, Hijikata looks at the name again and growls. Ian Cognito. Incognito. 

It's Gintoki, that fucking natural perm idiot! 

Another text draws Hijikata's gaze back to the screen:  _Oh, yeah, this is Gintoki._

A third text buzzes through while he's still staring:  _By the way, I added myself into your contacts while you were sleeping. Post hickey._

Hijikata is so close to throwing his phone that he's shaking. Instead, since he happens to like this phone – it's his third one in a year – he closes it with a hard  _snap_ and takes a few deep breaths. He finishes his cigarette, lights up another one, intent on chain smoking the whole day. Who does that bastard think he is? God, Hijikata wants to rip the guy's fucking face off! He makes nice with Tamegoro, drinks out of Hijikata's coffee mug – fuck him! 

He leans his head back against the tree and idly watches the pond, letting it help calm him. Even now, his body still aches and it's a hard thing to overlook. He feels it in his ass the most, but the bite marks are a very close second. Then there's the hickeys sucked into places all over his chest and back, but he's not actually complaining, as far as lays go... Gintoki, though annoying and mostly intolerable, wasn't bad. The best Hijikata has had in a long time, actually. And it's surprising things worked out the way they did.

Hijikata will maintain that he's not gay. At most, he's bi, but overall, he's just really not into relationships, so his sexuality doesn't need to be defined. He has slept with woman, he still does every now and then, and he'll sleep with men if he feels like it. Gintoki had presented an offer at a time when Hijikata was inebriated and timing is literally everything. 

He smokes his cigarette slowly, eyes closed, as he thinks back to what he remembers of the night before. He can recall in pretty vivid detail how Gintoki had fucked him senseless. Fast and hard, relentless – Hijikata could do little more than cling onto him with every ounce of strength he had. He likes to think he left some deep gouges with his nails on Gintoki's back, but he doesn't remember seeing the potential damage afterward or this morning since Gintoki had already been dressed.

There had been no foreplay last night, it'd just been raw, quick, but the  _kissing_ , that hadn't been so bad. Gintoki, even drunk – or maybe because he was drunk – knows how to kiss. It'd been sloppy and messy for the most part, but Gintoki was so lively and interactive. He'd been everywhere all at once somehow, or so Hijikata had felt. 

Gintoki is also pretty well hung, he knows that's not something he's making up. That bastard's cock had filled him up and how had Hijikata cum? Prostate stimulation – among other things. That  _never_ happens and it's probably just a fluke Gintoki's dick not only found it, but the angle to pound into it, and Hijikata had cum so fucking hard. He'd moaned and thrashed and Gintoki pulled his hair and forced him into kisses. 

It'd been great.

He really hates to give Gintoki credit for anything, but... that had been one excellent fuck. Only because of the alcohol, he's sure. He doesn't care that he'd bottomed, he kind of prefers that role since it's less work. Another thing he can't discount is that Gintoki had taken care of him. Moron knew what he was doing, though, Hijikata hasn't ever really been a fan of spit as lube. Sure as hell hadn't bothered him at all last night when Gintoki had sucked on his own fingers, then used them to stretch Hijikata. Not every guy does that, take the time for prep. Gintoki might have been rushing – no thanks to Hijikata who had been telling him to hurry, hurry,  _hurry_ – but at least he'd done it. Hijikata would be a lot more uncomfortable right now if he hadn't been prepped right.

That was all they'd done, one fuck and boom, spent. Hijikata remembers smacking Gintoki some, grumbling, lots of grumbling, and then he'd fallen right to sleep. It's strange and a little unsettling that he hadn't woken up when Gintoki had apparently gotten out of bed, dressed, and greeted Tamegoro. What the hell had that even been? But... Hijikata  _does_ appreciate that he hadn't lied to Tamegoro, merely given him enough information to satisfy, but not enough to fib. Hijikata doesn't abide by lying to his brother and it... says something about Gintoki that he hadn't lied. That had been almost tactful, something Hijikata would have believed to be out of Gintoki's capabilities. 

It's all moot now, Hijikata is done. He really shouldn't have slept with a complete stranger like that, he got extremely lucky it worked out okay. He thinks he should maybe check his apartment and make sure nothing got stolen, but he kind of thinks Gintoki isn't into that stuff. He may hijack Hijikata's phone to put his number in, he almost might not be above raiding the fridge, but actually stealing things that might be worth something or have sentimental value doesn't fit him somehow. Not that Hijikata really  _knows_ , it's just a feeling he has. 

He stays at the pond for awhile, it's a nice day and he's enjoying the time to clear his head. Mostly, he reflects on the night before, one of those things where he lets it run through his head before he lets go of it for good. Once he leaves the pond, he won't be dwelling on this any longer. Standing up, he brushes himself off and cleans up his cigarette butts, putting them in his portable ashtray.

Hijikata is slow on the walk back to his apartment and so distracted every step of the way. He stops at a corner convenience store to get more cigarettes and since he's a creature of habit, this is the store he usually stops at unless forced somewhere else. He knows the little old lady behind the counter and she always saves him a couple packs if the box is running low and the next shipment isn't in yet. He always asks how she is and she, more often than not, answers with something entirely unrelated. He thinks she might be hard of hearing, but sometimes he gets the feeling that she does it just to fuck with him. She just has that look in her eyes every once in awhile, like this is the biggest joke to her and Hijikata has no problem with that. 

He gets his smokes and gets back to his apartment where he unwinds by doing some cleaning. He strips his bed to wash his sheets, rid himself the filth and the smell, but then he makes a mistake.

His mistake?

He looks out his window.

And just about fucking dies.

Wrong! He'd been so wrong! The bastard _does_ steal shit because there's Gintoki, that _fucking_ natural perm, strutting around his apartment wearing only a pair of blue boxers.

_Hijikata's_ blue boxers.

“Oh, you asshole,” he seethes. “Stole my fuckin' underwear, ya goddamn gen –”

His phone goes off and he pulls it out of his pant pocket to read a short three word message: _Like the view?_

Letting out a loud yell, Hijikata really does throw his phone and doesn't care that it smashes into the wall and leaves a dent. Slamming his shades closed, he goes on a rampage, determined to clean every fucking inch of his apartment. Had that fucker been waiting for him to show up? Had he been parading around in just the boxers all day?

“Fuck you!” Hijikata screams and bunches up his sheets, ready to burn them and just buy new ones.

-o-O-o-

Three days later finds Hijikata sitting at his window seat after a long day at work. He's smoking a cigarette slowly and has the days paper open up in his lap for him to idly read. The apartment across from him is dark and he hasn't seen Gintoki since the boxer incident. He hasn't been around, not that Hijikata has been watching for him or anything, just making sure the bastard isn't going to show up anywhere. To be honest, he's been kind of paranoid, always looking for that shock of white hair and his heart leaps in his chest every time he thinks he sees a glimpse of him. He has hated it, Gintoki is so unpredictable and the last thing Hijikata wants is him showing up somewhere, anywhere, but especially at work.

He's a lot more relaxed now, work has left him pretty drained and he's just enjoying a few smokes before he gets ready for bed. There's nothing really note worthy in the paper, just regular news and little stories to fill it up. He likes reading that stuff, the normal stuff, the stuff that lets him forget about the rough shit he sees come through the police department on a regular basis.

But then, of course, there's a knocking on his door.

Grumbling, he gets up after stubbing out his cigarette, it'd been at the nub, and heads for the door, calling, “What d'ya want?”

“It's me, open up!”

Hijikata gets to the door and double checks to make sure all the deadbolts are in place. “No! Go the fuck away, asshole!”

“Aww, haven't you missed me?”

“Are you high? Or drunk again? Hell, no, I haven't miss your dumb ass!”

There's light little tapping on the door, like a goddamn dog scratching, wanting to be let in. “Just lemme in, I wanna talk to you.”

“No! Go away, you piece of shit!”

“I can stay out here all night, I've got nowhere else I need to be.”

“Of course you don't! Who would want a good for nothin' like you around? Get lost!”

“I wanna discuss terms and conditions!” Hijikata rolls his eyes and Gintoki keeps talking, words getting louder. “I still wanna sleep with you, but it's probly good we set up some ground rules fi –”

Hijikata flings the door open, hurting his fingers on the locks he's moving so fast, and drags Gintoki inside by the front of his shirt. “Keep your fuckin' voice down, asswipe! I don't want the whole fuckin' complex to know I did anythin' with you!”

Gintoki laughs and Hijikata shoves him into a chair before going back to peek outside the door. No one has opened their doors, which is good, so Hijikata slowly and silently closes his and doesn't lock it merely because Gintoki will be leaving soon.

“I get to sleep over if I want.”

“ _What_?”

Gintoki puts his arms on the table and links his fingers. “I get to sleep over if I want.”

Cautiously, Hijikata sits across from him and pulls out a cigarette to light up. He has a lot of things to think about and consider and not a lot of time to do it in. Since he _is_ a cop, he can threaten Gintoki with an arrest for assaulting an officer or something, but he really doesn't want anyone to know they've had any kind of sexual relations. And then there's the pesky fact that Gintoki is one hell of a lay, but that shouldn't be a factor at all, especially when Hijikata can't stand the guy. There's one positive he will give into and that's that it's convenient. It's not easy to find someone he can have sex with and have no strings attached afterward that also won't cost him any money. This... is a deal he's... goddamn it, he's willing to at least hear these terms and conditions.

“I'm gonna repeat myself a third time, in case you missed it the first two times. You're looking a little lost over there. So, here goes, get ready for it – I get to sleep over if I want.”

“Is the walk across the street too much for you?”

Gintoki rolls his shoulders, seeming pleased he got a response. “Maybe? Maybe I don't wanna have to get changed and leave every time.”

“You can...” Hijikata huffs and digresses, “have the couch.”

“No, I get to stay in the bed.”

“Absolutely not!”

“I'm not asking for that much!”

“Yes, you are!”

“Am not! You can even put up a partition between us, I don't care! But I'm not going to sleep on the floor or on that piece of junk couch!”

“Ugh – fine! But only if we do everything here!”

“Deal.”

Hijikata blinks, he hadn't expected Gintoki to agree to that one so fast. “And... and no meeting or seeing each other outside of this apartment.”

Gintoki chokes on his spit. “ _What_? You've gotta be kidding! I contest that! At the very least we should be able to have a drink or two together if we want! And what if I see you on your day off at the cafe we go to, are we just supposed to ignore each other? Pretend we don't know each other?”

“Yes.”

“No! How 'bout... okay, what if we kinda take that one as it comes? Obviously I'm not gonna be stopping by your work to say hi, but there's no reason we can't get a drink sometime.”

Hijikata won't say how fucking glad he is to hear that, it puts some paranoia to rest.

“I'll agree to that if you agree to not come up to me if I'm with other people. Ever.”

“Even your bro?”

“Especially him, bastard!”

“But I like him!”

“I don't care!”

Gintoki frowns, but inclines his head. “Fine, okay. So... why don't you tell me the rules since you kinda have a better idea of what you don't want.”

Hijikata glares at him and contemplates stubbing his cigarette out on Gintoki's skin. “I don't want this at all.”

“Liar,” Gintoki replies with a smirk and it succeeds only in pissing Hijikata off.

“Alright, you piece of shit, here are the fucking rules. We fuck only if I feel like it. You're allowed to stay in my bed overnight, but I retain the power to kick your ass either out of my apartment entirely or out onto the couch. We don't see each other outside of this apartment. And we only have sex, nothing more. I don't wanna hear you takin' a shower or some shit, ya got that?”

“Woah, hold on! The seeing each other in public thing, we can go to a bar or something if we want to! Pretty sure we just agreed on that, kinda.”

“You're pushing it,” Hijikata growls and lights up another cigarette.

“Am not! I can agree to only doing stuff here, I can even reluctantly agree to only having sex if you feel like it, but if there's a game on, why can't we meet up at a bar to have a few drinks and watch?”

“M'not into sports.”

Gintoki stares and then his shoulders sag and he waves a flippant hand. “Okay, no seeing each other for anything outside of this apartment if you're gonna be such a little priss about it. But instead, you have to answer at least one of my texts each day.”

Hijikata's brows pop up. “Are you going to be texting _every_ single day?”

“No, but on the days I do send something, you have to answer at least one by the end of the day.”

“Fine. But only questions. You seem like the kind of moron to text about the weather or a bird shitting on your window and I ain't answering that crap. Now, listen up, are you listenin'?” Gintoki meets his gaze and nods, almost genuinely interested. “The moment either of us is done, it's over. There's no negotiation this one.”

Gintoki's expression is unreadable. “Uh... okay... well, what about other people?”

Hijikata takes a drag. “What about them?”

“Are we allowed to sleep with other people?”

“Of course, dumbass! Like I give a fuck! But two things – first, you sleep with anyone else, you get yourself tested to make sure you're clean. And second, I'm not your fucking booty call. Don't be texting or calling me anytime after midnight to see if I'm in the mood for a fuck. I work six days a week and won't have the energy to deal with your lame ass a majority of the time.”

“Oh... alright. You're clean, right? I hadn't thought about that.”

“Ugh! Yes!” He shoots Gintoki a _duh_ look, but then squints at him. “You?”

“Yeah! I'm careful. Usually use a condom, too, but that night... whoops.”

“As long as you're clean, I p-prefer without. A condom, I m-mean.”

“Good, I do, too.”

Hijikata's face is red and he looks at anything but Gintoki as he finishes off his cigarette. From his point of view, there's nothing else to discuss. They fuck at his place, on his schedule, when he's in the mood, and they don't see each other outside of this. He doesn't have any qualms with that, but obviously he'd rather not have to answer any of Gintoki's texts or let him stay the night ever. In the long run, those are probably small prices to pay for some excellent sex that's monetarily free.

“We're done here,” Hijikata says, stubbing out his cigarette and standing to get the bastard out.

“Huh? We're not gonna....”

“No!” Hijikata pulls him to his feet. “Go, get – no! Wait, one thing.”

Gintoki gets pulled back and Hijikata kisses him without preamble while he has the initiative to do so. And suddenly, god only knows how long it'd been, Hijikata has been lifted so he's sitting on the corner of the table with Gintoki pushed between his legs. There's a hand in Hijikata's hair forcing his head to stay in place and tilted up. He's panting, his jeans are too tight because his cock is already half-hard, and his fingers are digging so hard into Gintoki's shirt that they ache.

“F-fuck, we're done,” Hijikata snaps, shoving at Gintoki whose eyes are unfocused and that's makes Hijikata push at him all the more.

“What? Seriously?”

“Seriously! Get going! M'not in the mood!”

He stands up on wobbly legs and shoves Gintoki out the door, then makes a point to lock every bolt for Gintoki to hear. He runs a hand through his hair and stalks through his apartment to his window where he paces around, watching and waiting to see Gintoki cross the street to make sure he's gone. Once Hijikata sees him, he's letting out a loud, frustrated sound and plops down on his ass, knees to his chest, in front of his window seat.

“Fuck you,” he whispers vehemently and runs a hand over his lips.

So, it turns out, bastard _can_ kiss. Sober. The kissing hadn't been a fluke, so... it's likely that a certain thing involving his ass hadn't been a fluke, either.

“Oh my god.” A pause as it sinks in, then he's throwing his head back against his seat, yelling, “ _Fuck!_ ”

What has he gotten himself into?

**To Be Continued**

 


	3. Indigestion, Heartburn, Poor Sleep, and Mood Swings Are Symptoms of NPP AKA: Natural Perm Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hijikata is determined to get his life back on track, but thanks to a basic need more important than sex itself, he derails completely.

Hijikata wakes up and goes right for his cigarettes to start his morning right, he refuses for this to be a bad day. He's going to get back on his routine and everything is going to be fine. He smokes two after moving to his window seat and already, he feels more in control of himself. It'd taken him a long time to fall asleep, so he's a bit tired, but he doesn't have anything to worry about. He's going to get himself back on track and do his work and not let anything get to him. He feels good by the time he's stubbing out his final cigarette of the waking hours and he groans as he stretches, his body no longer aching like it had.

Wandering into the living room, he makes a pass by his plant and picks up the cup next to it. He always keeps a cup there that's partially filled with water for just the purpose of watering the thing every other day. It's a simple plant called a Pothos, it has large, flat leaves that are all green with tan variegation and it doesn't produce flowers. He doesn't know why he got it, but it's probably the easiest plant to keep alive aside from a cactus. It just takes a little bit of water every now and then and can survive in low to medium lighting, which works for him since he's not at the apartment for most of the day.

He changes into what he wants to wear for the day and heads out to get to work – after getting his coffee, of course. It's early enough that the morning air is crisp and helps to liven him up. He's starting to think it's not going to be a bad day, that things will just fall back into place like they should. He gets to the station and goes to his desk, pleased to find some paperwork already there. This is good, this is going to be fine. He sits, he sips his coffee, he prepares for the day.

Everything is fine... until Hijikata hears the pop of bubble gum and he swears his heart fucking skips a beat. He looks up and there's Sougo already standing pretty much right next to him chewing that obnoxious gum and Hijikata's stomach just _drops_.

“There's been something different about you lately, Hijikata-san.”

“There's never anything different about me.”

“Today there is! There's a certain glow about you... like there's something you're not telling me.”

“Don't fucking flatter yourself, there's a lot I don't tell you for obvious reasons,” he growls and tries to hide himself within the pile of paperwork in front of him.

“Yeah,” Sougo leans in closer and Hijikata glares. “But you're hiding something, I can tell.”

“Am not!”

“Ooo, outright denial. Definitely hiding something.” Sougo pops his gum again and Hijikata hates that he almost winces. “What could it be, I wonder?”

Hijikata's fingers twitch for a cigarette. “You're full of shit, there's nothin', shrimp.”

“You know I'm gonna find out,” he whispers with a little smile and god, even his eyes are glinting.

“Get lost! I've got work to do and I'm sure you do too!”

“Alright, alright, I'm gone! See you later....”

Hijikata's skin breaks out into goosebumps and he shudders once Sougo's back is turned. He  _always_ knows when Hijikata has something he doesn't want to talk about. Even when they were kids, Sougo could always just  _tell_ and the part that really fucking sucks is that he has never failed to figure it out.

And just like that, he's paranoid all over again, only now, it's even worse than before.

-o-O-o-

For almost a week, Hijikata has been keeping himself busy, busy, busy. He's not supposed to, but he's been taking his work home with him. He'd been banned from that for months and so far he has managed to keep himself from doing it... until now. He's doing everything he can to appear more normal, more routine, how he _always_ is. He's early to work, ready to get started, he takes his smoke breaks, he goes straight back to his apartment, he keeps to himself.

He's paranoid as fuck.

He keeps expecting to look over his shoulder and see Sougo following him or find Gintoki heading his way. He hasn't really heard from that permy bastard and he hopes it stays that way. Hijikata doesn't need sex very often, that one romp will last him awhile and it's not like he has any sexual cravings that he can't take care of on his own. He's too busy to have any of those kinds of bodily needs, anyway. 

He feels like he's always looking around, watching his back, glancing up at doorways, startling at little sounds. That's not like him at all. He's usually so much more in control and nothing can phase him! Now? Now he's a pathetic mess and he... really can't say what the deal is. He has never been at all vocal about his sexual exploits, but he has also never cared if anyone found out about someone he slept with. Maybe he's totally paranoid about Gintoki because he has already met Tamegoro, lives nearby, and unlike anything Hijikata has ever done before, Gintoki might be a continued lay, not just a one time thing.

Gnawing on his lip, he finishes up at work and it's late, already past seven. It'd been a regular day, nothing noteworthy except that he hadn't had lunch with Tamegoro. He had the day off, so Hijikata had just kept working, declining the invitation to eat with Kondo knowing that Sougo would likely be there too. He's trying not to make his avoidance tactics too obvious, but he's probably failing and Sougo likely knows it. 

Cussing softly, Hijikata slides a stack of papers into the shoulder bag he brought with him. He probably won't get to them tonight, but that's okay since he has a forced day off tomorrow. He makes sure to take plenty of work to do in that day and slings the bag over his right should when he's ready to go. It's a nice evening, so the walk back to his apartment is almost enjoyable and it's easy for him to space out. It's the hour where people have recovered from their long days at work and are ready to go out, which provides plenty of opportunities for people watching. However, he mostly just stares at the cracked sidewalk in front of him until he's in his building and making his way up to his place. 

Yawning, Hijikata makes sure his door is locked, then starts stripping as he heads for his room, dropping his bag by his couch. He takes off his shirt and unbuttons his pants, pausing only when he catches sight of Gintoki's window through his own. The light is off, but he still closes the shades before finishing with his clothes. He tosses them in the hamper and walks into the bathroom, ready for a hot shower.

He turns on the faucet and pulls the lever for the shower head to come on, then waits until he sees steam coming off the water. He steps inside and hums at the heat, pleased and getting more comfortable now that his muscles have begun to relax and unwind after his long day at the desk. Sitting that much can't be good for him, but it's work and it's his job, so that's that. He takes his time washing his hair and spends several minutes just standing under the water, thinking of nothing as he lets it rinse him off. But he doesn't stay in there too long, he has a water bill to think about and he's notorious for overindulging when it comes to hot baths or showers.

Shutting everything down has him shivering right away and he quickly reaches out for his towel to start drying himself off. Even dry and out of the shower, he's still cold and he puts on the first thing he finds, which is his bathrobe. The last time he'd worn it is when Gintoki had been over, so the donning of the rob doesn't exactly bring good things to mind. And that right there, that's annoying. He likes this robe and goddamn it, he's not going to let some asshole like Gintoki ruin it for him. So, mainly out of spite, he doesn't go to his room and change, but keeps it on and parades it around like he's giving the universe the finger.

First thing he does when he's out of the bathroom is go over to the thermostat just inside the living room and turn the heat up. It's not cold out or anything, he just likes and needs a lot of heat. He pays mega bills for it in the winter time, but he has to or he won't function. A lot of people think he's at his worst when he comes into work without his morning cigarette, but there are those who will never forget the day Hijikata came in without having had his morning cigarette in the winter when the building heater had busted for the night.

That was a very dark day.

Luckily, where he lives geographically, the winters are very short and there's never too much snow. He wouldn't survive in a place that got too cold or snowed too much, he'd just wilt and freeze and never move again.

He wraps his robe tighter around his shoulders and shuffles into the kitchen to make himself some dinner. There's nothing in the fridge except a mostly empty container of mayonnaise and that's about it. He finds bread on the counter, but it's moldy and he can't eat any of his spices in his little wooden rack next to the fridge. His stomach growls and he can feel himself getting cranky, why hadn't he gone shopping? He'd meant to go... yesterday? The day before? He doesn't know and it doesn't matter, fact is, he'd meant to go and never made it.

“Fuck.”

There's nothing to be done, so he grabs his ashtray off the table and takes it to the sink to wash it. On second thought, he treks back to his room and gets the one off his windowsill as well since it's getting to be on the dirty side. He washes each one and dries them on his sunshine yellow hand towel – a gift, definitely not his first choice – and puts them back in their original spots.

His stomach growls hard enough to hurt and he growls right back at it, hoping to shut it up. No such luck, of course, but it was worth a shot. He can always order in and call a local pizza place to deliver, but he really doesn't want to shell out the delivery charge. He also very much doesn't want to put clothes on and venture out to hunt down some chow, he's done for the day. He just wants to eat, maybe read a little, have a smoke, then go to bed. Simple, easy, he just needs the food and the rest will follow.

“Gonna check again,” he mumbles and does just that, looking first in the fridge and next in all the cabinets.

Nothing, not even a crumb.

Defeated, he retreats to his room and grabs his cigarettes before curling up on his window seat. He pulls the drapes aside and opens his window as per usual to let the smoke out. He lights up with the vague and distant hope that smoking will somehow make his stomach stop snarling, but he's a fool and he knows it. The nicotine helps, but it doesn't alleviate his pains, much to his own physical distress.

His eyes land on Gintoki's apartment again and it's still dark like before. Is he sleeping? It's a bit early to be sleeping, but who knows with a guy like him. He can't really remember the last time he'd even seen Gintoki or the lights on over there... three days? Maybe four? It's not like he's counting, that's just a guess. Getting up, he grabs his phone and returns to his seat, his contacts open with Ian Cognito highlighted on it. He doesn't want Sougo to find out and all he knows, that runt is conveniently sitting outside staking out his place. But... he _is_ hungry and he's too lazy to go out... his hunger here is sort of overriding his paranoia and the whole thing is a long shot anyway. 

Before he can change his mind, he selects text message and types out,  _Get me food and I'll let you in._ Snapping his phone shut, he goes back to smoking and already he's berating himself, regretting ever sending the thing. So, it's a huge fucking surprise for him, surprise enough to make him nearly drop his cigarette, when his phone goes off not five minutes later.

The text reads:  _ Can I call? _

Hijikata messes with his phone for a solid minute before his stomach convulses and he makes the command decision of selecting Gintoki's name through his contacts again and pressing the green call button.

“ _ Good evening, neighbor! _ ” Gintoki greets and Hijikata almost hangs up.

He really does. His thumb is on the red button, ready to kill the line.

But his stomach seems to fold in on itself and it hurts enough for him to put the device back up to his ear, replying, “Can you pick something up or not?”

“ _ That's kinda why I wanted to call because yeah, I can, but I can't really text right now. See, I've sworn off texting and walking, it's dangerous. Almost ran into a baby carriage once! There was no baby in it, but it's still too risky _ .”

“Where are you?”

“ _ Walking, I'd kinda mentioned that already. But I'm just a few blocks from your apartment, it'd be easy for me to pick something up. I haven't eaten yet either, thanks for asking. _ ”

“I figured you'd volunteer the information regardless and obviously I was right. What places are around you?”

“ _ All kinds! I could stop and get us a pizza – _ ” 

“Fuck that,” Hijikata interjects, “it'd take too long.”

“ _ Want me that much, huh? _ ”

“That's presumptuous, don't be gross. What else is there?”

“ _ Uhm... what're you in the mood for? _ ”

“Just fucking list what's around you!”

“ _ Ohoo! Temperamental tonight, I like it! _ ” For the second time, Hijikata almost hangs up, but then he hears, “ _ There's the Arab place up ahead. The one that has the really good shawarma and falafel. _ ”

“I've never been there.”

“ _ Holy shit, really? It's fantastic! You've gotta try it! _ ”

“Not in the mood! Keep listing!”

“ _ Mark my words, you  _ will _ be trying that place sometime. But, okay, let's see... ah! How about a sandwich? _ ”

“What kinda sandwich?”

“ _ Any kind, I guess. I know the guy in the food truck and I've never seen him come across something he can't make. If you're open to recommendations, he makes a mean reuben. He does burgers, too. And he usually has stuff on hand to make gyros. _ ”

Hijikata all but groans into his phone. “A burger... god, that sounds so good. All greasy and fattening and juicy....”

“ _ I can't tell if you're starved or have some really weird kinks. _ ”

“Starved, a-asshole!” He flushes and gets a fucking grip on himself. “You're getting me a burger! What kind of sides are there?”

“ _ He has fries _ ,” Hijikata nearly moans, but bites his tongue in time, “ _ coleslaw, green beans, grilled corn, pasta salad in this really great dressing he came up with, fried pickles, onion rings, and... and I think that's it. Oh! No, wait, he has beans, too. Not the green beans, they're refied. _ ”

“Fries! I need fries and the onion rings!”

“ _ Sure, what do you want on your burger? Besides ludicrous amounts of mayonnaise. _ ”

“Chee – wait, how do you know I like mayonnaise?”

“ _ Your brother may have mentioned it. _ ”

Hijikata silently cusses, but shakes his head and orders, “Cheese! Lots of cheese! Pepperjack, if he has it. Onion, tomato, lettuce... what else can he put on there?”

“ _ Bacon – _ ”

“Yes!”

“ _ Okay, and there's jalapenos, mushrooms, roasted peppers, and different toppings like goat cheese, guacamole, pesto, fried egg, grilled eggplant, any of those sound good? _ ”

“No, just a good old fashioned bacon burger works for me.” His stomach twists in on itself and he has to hold it with an arm. “With lots of mayo.”

“Y _ eah, definitely got that last part. How do you like it cooked? _ ”

“Medium rare, I like the middle pink.”

“ _ Got it! I'll be there in... fifteen or so? I can pick up some beer on my way, too _ .”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever you wanna do. Just say my order back to me first so I know you really got it.”

He hears Gintoki clear his throat dramatically before relaying in a terrible announcer impersonation, “ _ Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, my cranky neighbor requires a bacon pepperjack cheeseburger cooked medium rare with lettuce, tomato, onion, mayo enough to drown a city, and a side order of both fries and onion rings. That sound about right, oh, bastardly one? _ ”

Hijikata's mouth waters. “Fine – er, good. Hurry your ass up!”

“ _ Sure, sure, be there soon! _ ”

Snapping his phone shut without answering, Hijikata gets up to find things to do so he won't obsess over how much his stomach hurts. He fiddles with things and picks out his outfit for the next day, setting it out on top of his bureau. He then changes out of his bathrobe into something simple, shorts and a tee, and... it's no use after that. He finds himself right back on his window seat, staring at the sidewalk below, looking for any flash of stupid permy hair. He knows he shouldn't be eating so late, the grease will probably keep him awake, but fuck, a greasy burger just sounds so fucking good.

“Where the fuck are you, moron?” Hijikata seethes under his breath and checks his phone again. “Sixteen minutes! Move your fatass, m'starving!”

At the eighteen minute mark, Gintoki rounds the corner and Hijikata gets up to pace around in the kitchen. He has his arms crossed as he passes back and forth in front of the door, waiting, waiting, waiting –  _ the knock! _

He flings the door open, snarling, “What the hell took you so long?”

Gintoki just smiles and pushes his way inside, handing Hijikata the bag on his way. “Told ya I was gonna pick us up some beer. Plus, I started chatting with my friend and got a little sidetracked.”

Hijikata mumbles something incoherent as he puts the bag on the table and tears into it. He finds his burger and grabs his fries and onion rings and plops right down in one of his chairs to  _ devour _ . He picks up his burger, it takes both hands to do so, and moans when he takes his first bite. Juice spills down his chin and there's this satisfying crunch from the bacon and lettuce and his eye can't help but flutter shut as he chews because there's creamy mayo all over the damn place.

“Really starting to think you've got some weird ass kinks,” Gintoki says and Hijikata hears him sit down. “This little container is yours. My friend made it special when I told him of your mayo affinity. I don't know what it is, but he thought you'd like it.”

When Hijikata opens his eyes, he sees a couple open beers on the table and he zeroes in on the container. Taking another huge bite of his burger, he sets it down – wiping his chin with the back of his hand – and opens the thing as he chews. What's inside looks like mayonnaise, but it also kind of looks like there's stuff in it, small chunks of... something. Swallowing, he dips the tip of his pinky finger into it and licks it off, pleasantly surprised to find that it's mayo, but there's a bit of kick to it. 

“It'll do,” he says as he dunks a set of fries into it and gobbles it up.

“Help yourself to my sides, too.” Gintoki pushes them forward and he tosses napkins and utensils next to them. “Got different ones than you so you could try them. This is seriously my favorite food truck in this area!”

Hijikata rolls his eyes, but grabs a plastic fork and tries the pasta salad. It's good, the Italian dressing really tangy, but not too sweet and the noodles aren't too firm. Leaving the fork in the bowl, he grabs a fried pickle and dips it into the mayo before consuming. He really, honestly thought he wouldn't like it, but he does. Probably because he's so hungry, but so far everything is tasting like the best food he has ever had.

Glancing up, he points the fry he has at Gintoki's food. “That a reuben?”

He's mid-chew, but he nods and holds it out. “Wanna try it?” Hijikata pauses and his nose curls a little, but Gintoki just snorts, then laughs. “Are you fucking kidding me? Just take a damn bite! If you tell me we can have sex, but can't share food, I'm gonna get you in touch with a psychologist!”

“I'm sure you know a bunch of them,” Hijikata snarks, glaring. Annoyed, he reaches out and takes the stupid half of the sandwich that's being offered to him. He hasn't ever had one before, but it looks good enough, though, he's not sure if he'll like the sauerkraut, but he's willing to give it a try. He turns it so he can take a bite on the side Gintoki hasn't gotten to yet and ignores the loud snort he hears. “Mm!” He hums, surprised once against. “S'good.”

“Right? It's that thousand island dressing that makes it! I don't know what he does to it, but it turns these things into something else!”

Hijikata finishes chewing and takes a swig of beer. “That Swiss cheese?”

“Baby Swiss, regular Swiss isn't creamy enough to melt like this.”

He doesn't know why they're talking food and he doesn't care as he takes another swig of his beer and consumes everything in his path. He demolishes every bite of his sandwich, making the most pleased sound when he finds that the center of the burger is stuffed full of cheese as well, and he doesn't leave a single fry or onion ring behind. He licks the small container of the mayo concoction clean and picks at Gintoki's sides, not even realizing until now that they've been sharing a fork the whole time. That's what gets him to stop eating and he finishes off his second beer – he doesn't know where it procured from, but he's grateful for it – and sits back with a heavy sigh.

“Full?” Hijikata nods and lets out another sigh, ready for a cigarette to cap it off. Gintoki finishes off what's left of the food before sitting back as well and letting out a belch. “Me, too.”

It's now that Hijikata actually takes Gintoki in, what he's wearing and how he looks. He's dressed pretty casual in jeans and a yellow striped button up shirt, the sleeves folded back so they're just below his elbow. He doesn't look bad necessarily and it's comforting that he looks like he has actually taken a shower within the last twenty-four hours. Shaking his head, Hijikata stands up and starts gathering trash, feeling somewhat awkward now that he has nothing else to do since his hunger has been satiated.

“How've you been?” Gintoki asks. “Besides hungry.”

“Fine.”

“It's okay to elaborate a bit more when someone asks you that,” Gintoki goes on, collecting the empty bottles. “You recycle?”

“Yeah,” he opens the cabinet hiding the yellow trash bucket, “here.”

“Oh! You never said how I looked in your boxers.”

“About that, you dick!” Hijikata rounds on him, grabbing his collar so it bunches up tight at his neck. “You steal anything from me again, I'll throttle you.”

Gintoki pushes at him, already laughing. “C'mon! It was just a harmless joke!”

“Stealing is a crime!”

“Then why don't you cuff me up and have your way with me, officer?”

Hijikata's cheeks inflame. “Stupid! Who'd wanna d-do that?”

“Me,” Gintoki replies without missing a beat. “I'd very much enjoy seeing you trussed up.”

His mouth is suddenly very dry and his fingers start to go slack. “Y-you're into that stuff?”

“What do you mean by 'that stuff'?”

“M'not gonna specify.”

Gintoki sighs and steps closer, close enough that their bodies are almost touching. Hijikata doesn't back down and instead stands firm though his shoulders pinch up and his fingers loosen even more. This close, it's hard to miss just how red Gintoki's eyes are and that's unsettling somehow, unnatural.

“Fine, I'll lay it all out for you. Yes, I'm into that stuff.” Hijikata's back touches a wall – when had he backed up? – and Gintoki's right arm rests on Hijikata's shoulder so his hand can brace against the same wall. “I'm into ropes and ties and toys, I'll bend you til you think you're gonna break and choke you til you're so close to passing out you're seeing stars. I'll bite you til you bleed and hold your cock so tight you won't be able to cum until I fucking let you.  _That_ is what I mean when I say 'that stuff.' Does that sound okay or should I take your panting as consent?”

“Fuck you,” Hijikata hisses, snapping his mouth shut and glaring. He wants to deny that his breaths have quickened, but the evidence is obvious, so there's no point even trying. He can feel a heat in his gut, all that stuff... there's not one of those things that doesn't appeal to him. “That sounds... acceptable. I guess.”

Gintoki hums and Hijikata hates how he can't tell what the bastard is thinking. “Safety word is banana hammock.”

“What the fuck? I'm not saying that!”

“Oh? So you do want a safety word. What should it be, then?'

Hijikata frowns so hard his face hurts and he amps up on his glare. “I-it's important to have for that s-stuff!”

“Right, so, again, what word or phrase do you want?”

“I d-don't know....”

“Potato? Dungeon gangbang? Platypus? Orange pudding? Any of these striking your fancy?”

“I am literally never saying any of those when I'm in bed with you or anyone else.”

“Then choose something! Ghost in the blender! Hickory chopsticks! Pushup bras! You could yell out something like boobies for all I care!”

“I... really don't know.”

“Well, you said you don't like sports, so maybe just yell out any sports team?”

Hijikata's face flares up even more and he looks away guiltily. “About that... I kinda lied.”

“So...” Gintoki's head tilts, “you do like sports?”

“Sorta? I like to watch, but I'm not a fan of any one team, I'd just wanted you to shut up about going out for drinks and shit.”

“Oo, sneaky, sneaky, Oogushi!”

“Not my name!”

“Alright, jeez, no need to yell. I've still got you pinned right here, yelling is overdoing it.”

He can feel his neck heat up along with his face. “Stay on track, bastard.”

“I'm trying! But now I'm excited! You like watching sports, that's great!”

“Still not going out with you!” A slow smirk spreads across Gintoki's face and Hijikata splutters, pushing him away with hard shoves and hits. “S-shut up! God – fuck! You're s-so annoying! Get out!”

“Aww, I get you food and you kick me out? How is that fair, hah?”

“I said I'd l-let you in if you got me somethin'! That's it, no more!”

“Don't be like that,” Gintoki says, coming up behind him and grabbing on before Hijikata can make his escape to his bedroom. “Surely we've figured this out enough to have us some sex? You do _kinda_ owe me.”

Hijikata narrows his eyes at the floor and digs his nails into one of Gintoki's arms. “What if m'not in the mood?”

Gintoki frowns against his shoulder, but presses in closer and starts kissing up Hijikata's neck. “I'd ask what can be done to get you in the mood.”

Hijikata leans his head back and cusses Gintoki's lips. “Maybe you should figure it out for yourself.”

“Doesn't seem like I'm doing a bad job so far,” Gintoki replies between feather light kisses along Hijikata's pulse point.

Swinging an elbow back into the bastard's gut, Hijikata yells, “No marks!”

“Kissing doesn't leave marks!” Gintoki replies with a wheeze and his arms get loose enough for Hijikata to wriggle out of them.

“Don't care! This is another condition! No m-marks anywhere that can't be covered by clothes!”

“Fine,” Gintoki huffs and Hijikata doesn't get a chance to say or do anything because Gintoki is on him.

Those arms are back around him, that body pressed up against his, and they're moving. He's glad he doesn't have to do any navigating, he can just flop his arms around Gintoki's shoulders and let himself be pushed to where they're going. He'll still grudgingly admit that Gintoki is a somewhat okay kisser, which is about as much as he's willing to admit. He finds himself on the bed moments later with Gintoki pushing between his legs on top of him. He helps the bastard out of his shirt and gets their mouths back together because it's so much easier to just not think when they're kissing. Gintoki's hands slide up his sides, bunching his shirt up until he gets annoyed enough to raise himself up so it can be removed.

“Feel good?”

Hijikata grunts as their bodies come together and snaps, “Did you talk this much last time? Jesus, shut the fuck up!”

“I said _one thing!_ And you were sure as hell easier to kiss last time!”

“I said s-shut up!”

“I would if you'd chill the fuck out! It's like trying to kiss a board!”

“Why do you know what that's like?”

“I don't! But if that ever happened, I'd imagine it'd feel a lot like this!”

“Okay,” Hijikata hits him, “get up, get off, we're not doing this, it isn't working.”

“Oh, quit. Just relax,” Gintoki says and Hijikata glares at him, but the truth is that the words actually help. “You're thinking too much.” But then he's not thinking at all when Gintoki kisses him again and he can feel himself start to relax – he honestly hadn't thought he was _that_ tense, it's how he usually is, so it hadn't felt any different. “Safety word is... Otaku Prince.”

Hijikata scoffs so loud it hurts the back of his throat. “Never sayin' that one either, dickhead.”

“Really?” Gintoki muses, nipping along Hijikata's jaw. “Thought that one suited you.”

“You're the worst.” Hijikata stretches an arm out until he can get into his nightstand and pull out a small bottle of his preferred lube. “Just d-do your damn job n'make this good.”

“Ah, you think I'm good, huh?”

“Do you _wanna_ get kicked out?”

“I brought you food, so... new rule! I bring you food, you can't kick me out!”

“Denied!” Hijikata puts a hand on his face and gives him a shove. “I can kick ya out no matter what and don't get it!”

Gintoki hums, frowning, and raises himself up onto his knees so he can pull at Hijikata's shorts. His face flushes, but he lifts his hips and lets Gintoki do it, thinking that the quicker they get to it, the better. While Gintoki is maneuvering his legs to get his shorts all the way off, Hijikata watches the way Gintoki's stomach muscles bunch up with each movement. If anything, Hijikata can at the very least say he has an attractive of some sort to Gintoki's body. There's scars here and there, some bigger than others, and on that looks like it'd been pretty deep when he'd gotten it. His skin is so pale, almost like he shouldn't ever be allowed to go out into the sun or he'll incinerate with sunburn. Like... like a goddamn vampire or something.

“You in the mood for any of _that stuff_ tonight?”

“No.” Hijikata tips his head back and takes a deep breath to try and still his panting. “Make it quick.”

Hijikata's cock rests on his stomach as a soft weight that makes him flush even more – he's already hard and his legs are spread around Gintoki's hips. He can see the bulge in the front of Gintoki's pants and he sits up, going right for the hem. He grabs on and unbuttons, then unzips the clothing, yanking them down, boxers and all, until Gintoki gets the idea and starts to wriggle out of them. They're kissing again, two pairs of clumsy hands working to get Gintoki's fucking pants off without looking.

“Rougher,” Hijikata demands under his breath and right away he's being pushed down onto the bed with a biting kiss.

Nails dig into his skin and he groans, legs raising on either side of Gintoki to pull him closer until their hips fit together. A groan comes from both of them and Gintoki's already moving against him, rutting slow and firm. Hijikata's glad the lights aren't turned on, so the only source of lighting coming from outside the window that he forgot to close. It feels good to be skin on skin and once more, Gintoki's hands are all over him. A thumb runs over his nipple and his back arches, his own hands sinking into permy hair where his fingers get tangled, but Gintoki doesn't seem to mind.

“Lube.”

Hijikata can hardly stop kissing him long enough to reply, “Bed... u-up....”

There's some fumbling where one of Gintoki's hands disappears and Hijikata's eyes scrunch shut tighter when he hears the cap of the lube pop open. The flush on his face deepens and he turns his head to the side as Gintoki slips an arm under one of his knees to raise his leg higher. He's more exposed this way and he can feel his cock throb between them, though, it's Gintoki's heat that's making his head spin maybe the most. He's so _warm_ , the whole of him more scalding than Hijikata remembers from the first time.

Gintoki tilts back and Hijikata hisses as a hold finger is pressed up against his asshole, the lube not yet warmed by skin. But he's distracted because there's a hot mouth kissing down his chest and he can't mind so much when the finger pushes into him. It's not slow, which he likes, and Gintoki's a biter, leaving stinging pinches as a trail as he continues to make his way downward. Hijikata just keeps hanging onto Gintoki's hair and arches his back because a second finger has pushed in next to the first one. It's a little too soon, but he doesn't mind the burn that makes his hips twist slightly and head turn to the side.

“ _Ahnn!_ W-wait – what're _ohhh...._ ”

Gintoki doesn't answer the jumbled words and moans, he can't, because his lips are currently wrapped around Hijikata's dick. The heat doubles and Hijikata has to open his eyes look down, hips bucking at the sight of Gintoki sucking him off. There's no hesitancy, no waiting, Gintoki's head starts bobbing and his fingers scissor, it makes Hijikata's head thrash. He can feel a sweat breaking out on his skin and his toes curl so hard his legs shake. Gintoki's fingers are digging into his skin where he's holding on and Hijikata can just imagine the bruises they'll leave behind.

A third finger spreads him wide and he cries out softly before biting his lip. His shoulders pinch up and his stomach seizes in a spasmodic convulsion of muscle. Gintoki's head is bobbing, taking Hijikata deeper and deeper with each movement until Hijikata can feel his cock hit the back of the bastard's throat.

“F-fuck – mmg fuck! That's nnn – shit, m-more!”

Gintoki's cheeks hollow as he sucks and Hijikata's back arches so hard it comes off the bed completely. It's getting harder and harder to hold still and his fingers are twisting so much in Gintoki's hair, it has to hurt. When he looks back down, his breath hitches, Gintoki's watching him. Not a moment later, Gintoki's fingers move _just right_ and press against Hijikata's prostate. His jaw drops and his whole body jerks, a stilted cry coming out of his mouth. It's like Gintoki had been waiting to do that and that would piss Hijikata off somehow if he weren't writhing.

That goddamn mouth sucks him harder, his tongue laving the length of Hijikata's dick, and there's just no... no... he won't last! He tries to tell Gintoki this, but he can't get the words out around his moans and jesus, his eyes are rolling up into his head. There's sparks behind his eyes and he can feel nails scratching at his leg and his prostate just gets _abused_. The tight coil in his gut is about to break loose and he hadn't known he could even get off this quick! It always takes him at least twice this long to find release and now –

“Hnng – f-ucking... g-god c-cummi –”

He's cumming down Gintoki's throat, his whole body locking up while he's finger fucked for all he's worth. Tingles spread down every extremity and it's so satisfying to feel that wet heat wrapping around his cock, sucking the life out of him. It makes him hot that Gintoki swallows and the other doesn't push back against the way Hijikata's hands are literally shoving him down as far as he'll go. He's making all kinds of noises, he knows, but he doesn't care, all this stimulation feels incredible.

But Gintoki does pull off eventually, forcing Hijikata's hands out of his hair, and his dick hits his stomach with a wet sound. He can't feel embarrassed about it because his legs are being spread by two strong hands and his hips are lifted into Gintoki's lap before his cock pushes into him. The over-stimulation makes his eyes fly open wide, but Gintoki's already fucking him, leaving him to grapple until he's holding onto the bed for dear life. Their skin slaps together and Hijikata squeezes his eyes shut once more, each thrust sending him reeling. He lets out a startled yelp that turns into a groan and then a cuss – Gintoki found his fucking prostate again. He doesn't know how the bastard fucking does that!

Gintoki's hips slam in harder, his dick going deeper, and Hijikata can't stop squirming. It's pain and pleasure smashing together and warring, so potent it makes Hijikata want as much as he can get of it. He feels Gintoki move, throwing his legs over his shoulders, and suddenly they can kiss again. Hijikata goes all out, throwing his arms around Gintoki's shoulders to cling while he shoves his tongue into the natural perm's mouth. He can taste himself there and that's gross, but it doesn't put him off at all. He's so far gone that nothing can really bother him, not even knowing that he's licking his own cum from another man's mouth.

In a drawn out groan, Gintoki's hips stutter and slam in one last time. Hijikata can feel his cum fill his ass and the his breaks when he turns his head to the side, a line of spit still connecting them until that, too, breaks. His breaths are heaving, more than anything, it feels like he can't breathe at all. He can feel Gintoki's hot breath against his neck and he shudders when lips touch his collarbone, not even kissing, just touching and brushing.

“T-tissues... hng – nightstand.”

One of his legs gets dropped as Gintoki reaches for it and Hijikata's breath hitches in his throat at the way Gintoki's dick moves inside of him. Gintoki pulls out and Hijikata winces, but reaches down to take hold of the tissue that's being pressed there to catch the cum. He blinks his eyes open and purposefully avoids looking at anything Gintoki, an embarrassed flush covering his face. He wipes a majority of the cum away, but still gets up and grabs his clothes on the way to his bathroom. The mirror is something he avoids as well and he makes quick work of cleaning himself out with a damp cloth. He washes his face to get the sweat off and _that's_ when he makes the mistake of looking in the mirror.

His lips are kiss swollen, his face still flushed, and his eyes are all glassy. His body feels lethargic and he's tired, like, actually tired enough to sleep, which is surprising. He doesn't want to think too much about any of it or dwell on anything, so he throws his clothes on and goes back out into his room. Gintoki is already under the covers, he's on his belly with his arms folded underneath the pillow he's using. This is the most awkward part, Hijikata decides as he makes his way over to the empty side of the bed, the side closest to the window. It's a relief when he pulls the covers back and sees that Gintoki has put on his boxers, it's easier for Hijikata to get in bed then.

“That quick enough for you?”

Hijikata startles and looks over to find Gintoki watching him. “Damn. Thought you were asleep.”

“Mmm... almost there.”

“So sleep,” Hijikata says, settling down and making sure there's plenty of space between them. “Make too much noise and you'll be banished, don't forget.”

“But I brought you food.”

“You keep bringin' that up, it isn't gonna get you anywhere.”

Gintoki smirks sleepily. “Could always go out next time.”

“Do you not have any friends to do that with?”

“Course I do. You can meet'em if you want, I'm far less strict about the whole you can't meet anyone I know ever grrr thing.”

“Why would I wanna meet any of your so called friends? How would you even introduce me?”

Gintoki blinks and snuggles his head into the pillow. “Are you... for real right now? News flash, there _is_ such a thing as having a fuck buddy that you're also friends with. Arguably, you'd call that friends with benefits, but I guess it could go both ways. Like, you could call us fuck buddies with the benefit of friendship. Then I'd just introduce you to people as my neighbor friend.”

“We're not friends. And I don't wanna be friends. We're not gonna meet up outside of this apartment and that's final.”

“Well... if you ever change your mind, the offer is always open.”

“M'never gonna change my mind, asshole. Ah!” Hijikata kicks him under the blanket. “If you ever hear someone knock, you do _not_ answer! If you hear someone coming into my apartment, you _hide_!”

“Fine, but to be fair, I never heard your brother. I'd needed to change and pee – not in that order – and when I walked out of the bathroom, he was already here. By the way, your coffee sucks.”

“It does not!”

“Does so. Holy shit, yeah.”

“No!”

“Tamegoro even agrees with me!”

That brings Hijikata up short and he accidentally bites his tongue. “F-fuck, ouch! Wait, he does?”

“Yeah, we had to go on a hunt for some sugar, he said there was no chance you'd have creamer. Apparently you don't keep milk that isn't expired and hiding your crusty lumps of sugar in the back of a cupboard pretty much damns your soul with no chance of redemption.”

“W-what else did you talk about?”

“General stuff, I guess. He talked about work like I already knew you were a cop, so I played along and that's how I found out what you do. But once we got into sport it was all over.”

Hijikata grunts and he can feel the ache starting up in his lower back, but it feels kind of good. He yawns and pulls the covers up to his chin before turning his back to Gintoki. He hears a goodnight, but he doesn't respond and instead tries to sleep. He _is_ tired and he doesn't think about the sex or how fast Gintoki made him cum, he just blanks out his mind the best he can.

But... Gintoki is a heavy weight on the other side of the bed and it's so distracting, Hijikata doesn't like it. He _does_ get why Gintoki implemented the rule, it sucks having to get up, change, and leave after sex. Having to walk around all dirty and gross, then getting back only to have to either clean off then or in the morning and whenever that happens, it's always more tiring. Letting the bastard sleep over isn't a huge deal, but Hijikata really doesn't like sharing his bed. He can't stretch out now, he's confined to just his side and that's it. He can't roll, he'll end up on the floor or worse, pressed up against him.

Groaning, he shoves his face into his pillow, ready to smother himself to sleep if that's what it takes. This is never going to happen again, he doesn't share his bed and a good fuck isn't worth feeling this goddamn awkward in his own apartment!

**To Be Continued**

 


	4. For External Use Only

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Hijikata is the victim of a huge misunderstanding, it's hard to tell if that'll push him closer or farther away from Gintoki.

Art By: [Sei-kuroneko](http://sei-kuroneko.tumblr.com/)

Hijikata wakes up slowly, surprised he even manged to fall asleep. The alarm on his phone is going off and he reaches over to silence it, the weight on the other side of the bed doesn't move. It's so weird not having the full use of his bed and as he sits up, he smacks at the unmoving body.

“Oi!” He reaches for his box of cigarettes, he's still going to start this morning out right. “Wake up, time to leave.”

Gintoki moves, but all he does is become a ball underneath the covers and for a fleeting second, Hijikata feels like he should be grateful they hadn't rolled into each other over the night. Granted, Hijikata hadn't fallen asleep until the wee hours of the morning, which feeds into how cranky he feels right now.

Grabbing the covers, he yanks them back. “I said up!”

“No,” Gintoki groans, “s'too early.”

Hijikata isn't going to mention to him that he actually has the day off, instead, he sits at the window seat and lights up. “You have five minutes, bastard!”

The window is still open and that pisses Hijikata off because he probably just lost a lot of money since the heat is still turned on. He takes a drag and watches Gintoki through narrowed eyes as he groggily begins to rouse. He blinks and rubs his eyes, then yawns and stretches. When he looks over, Hijikata makes a _hurry up_ motion with his hand, then flicks some ash into the previously clean tray. Gintoki moves slowly, but gets up and stretches again, Hijikata hears his back crack, before gathering up his clothes.

Hijikata breathes a sigh of relief after he leaves the room and finishes his cigarette in silence. He lights up a second one because he feels the need to and the nicotine does wonders for him, it really does. It relaxes him and the smell is soothing, there's something really appealing about fresh morning air mixed with the scent of smoke. But the feeling is short lived when he hears some clattering in the kitchen, his stomach just instantly drops.

Getting up, he takes his last inhale and smooshes the cigarette out in the tray on the sill. He's going to be a hermit today and keep his lights mostly off so Gintoki doesn't know he's home, though he maintains he has every right to kick the moron out whenever he feels like it. Wandering out into the kitchen, he finds Gintoki pouring two cups of coffee.

“Is this the right one?”

“Huh?”

Gintoki snorts and raises one of the mugs. “This one, it's the one you said is yours, isn't it?”

“Ah... yeah.”

With a nod, Gintoki hands it to him and grumbles about Hijikata not having any cream or sugar still. They fight about it and it's only until after they're both sitting at the table with empty cups that Hijikata remembers to kick the bastard out.

-o-O-o-

The following three days are nice ones, they're very quiet and go according to plan. He had lunch with his brother yesterday, he hasn't seen Gintoki at all, and Sougo hasn't given him any trouble. He has gotten a lot of paperwork done, too, and though he's still really paranoid, he feels kind of good. He'd gotten everything done on his day off that he'd wanted to and work has been busy enough that he isn't left with much time to think. He visited the pond after work the day before and actually lost track of time unwinding. Things are getting back into their usual groove for him and he's kind of ashamed he let something as stupid as infrequent romps with a moron mess him up so much.

Granted, aforementioned moron meeting his brother is probably what triggered such a strong reaction in him. It doesn't matter now though, it's done and over with and things have turned out just fine. It's nearing lunchtime and he's not eating with his brother today, he has an errand he needs to run instead. He has a check he needs to take to the bank, so he's going to use his lunch break to get that done. That way, he won't have to worry about it after work or leave early to get to the bank before it closes.

He waves to Kondo as he leaves the station and sets off in the right direction. It's exactly like the day before – sunny and warm, but cool enough that he wouldn't complain if he had a jacket. A pang goes through his chest when he thinks about his uniform and he pushes the thought aside to focus on his task. It's easy to tell it's lunch time, there's a lot more people out and about walking and driving around. It's comforting to be one of them and just blend in to become some guy walking to a place no one knows. He wants to pull out a smoke, but he's in a no smoking zone and it's always a priority to set a good example even if no one can tell he's a cop.

Turning right on the correct street, Hijikata freezes.

His entire body locks up and every hair on his body stands on end.

One of his worst nightmares is literally right in front of him.

Snapping into action, he slips into the cafe to his right and since it says _please seat yourself_ on a sign, he gets a window seat in the far left corner. It's an obscure spot and he can still see outside, but still, just in case, he puts the menu up to hide most of his face. So much about this doesn't feel right, the blood in his veins has turned cold, and there's a nervous sweat on his brow.

There, just outside, sit the two people in the entire universe that should never be within a one mile radius of each other. It's Sougo's day off, so he's dressed casually in jeans and a blue Superman shirt, which makes him easy to spot. Pretty much right next to him sits Gintoki, his bright hair making him the focal point of the whole goddamn street. It makes Hijikata every kind of uneasy seeing them together for the obvious reasons, but seriously... _why_ are they together? He and Gintoki aren't a couple and Hijikata had said they could sleep with others, but _Sougo_? Hell no! Sougo is a brat and he's young and dangerous and stupid _and why the hell are they together?_

Of all the people Gintoki could be sitting with, it's Sougo, of course it's Sougo. How did they find each other? Does Gintoki know Hijikata works with Sougo? What's actually going on here? Did Sougo find out about Gintoki somehow? Did Gintoki look up who Hijikata works with?

This has turned into something legitimately scary – is Gintoki some kind of stalker?

Oh, god.

Who the fuck has he been having sex with? Why hadn't he looked this up or thought about this before?

Gintoki says something and they both laugh as they eat... what are they eating? Dessert, it looks like dessert, something like chocolate cake. The waitress comes by and Hijikata clumsily orders a coffee, but asks to keep the menu. He knows he looks shady and it feels wrong to be spying, but really... what are they doing together? Has this whole thing been a conspiracy? They're in on it together, aren't they?

They laugh about something, Hijikata's stomach reaches the pits of Hell. He wipes sweat off his brow and is so busy staring that he doesn't notice he has his coffee until he nearly knocks it off the table with all his fidgeting. The clatter of the cup hitting its saucer makes him startle and he knows he can't drink it, he feels too sick to his stomach. This is stupid, he's stupid, he should leave, he needs to get out of here.

But he ends up staying and continues to watch.

The bill arrives and there's a skirmish, they're both smiling freakishly, and each has a hand on the bill. Neither is picking it up though, instead it looks more like they're trying to push it toward the other. Fuck, it seems like they're friends, why else would both meals be on one ticket? Hijikata's going to vomit, the fucking bastards _know each other_. Sougo kicks Gintoki under the table and Gintoki punches Sougo in the side while they both keep their hands on the bill. It ends with a battle of rock, paper, scissors and Gintoki pulls out his wallet to pay.

They soon walk off together and Hijikata knows he can't follow. He's numb and furious and keeps wiping the cold sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. Glancing at a clock, he realizes he doesn't have enough time to go to the bank and quickly gets out money for his coffee with shaking fingers. He puts down enough to cover the drink and also give the waitress a hefty tip because he feels like he completely wasted her time.

He leaves the cafe one step away from terrified and knows only one thing for certain: he needs to see Gintoki right away.

-o-O-o-

Since lunch, Hijikata's day has been downright awful. Trying to hide the fact that he's freaking out from everyone isn't easy and he leaves right on time so that no one has time to ask him any questions. Once he's out of the building, his aura changes and he looks pissed the fuck off, not a single soul would ever fuck with him the way he looks right now.

He sends Gintoki a text: _Off work. Come over in fifteen._

Halfway back, he gets a reply and all it is a dumb emoji, the winking smiley faced one. Somehow, that makes him even angrier and he shoves his phone into his pocket even though what he wants more is to throw it and shatter something. He gets back to his apartment with five minutes to spare and doesn't bother leaving the kitchen, he waits right there by the door ready to shred Gintoki to tiny pieces. When the knock comes, his heart leaps into his throat and he wipes his sweaty palms on his pants.

Opening the door, Hijikata yanks Gintoki in by the front of his shirt and slams him against the door. “Who did you have lunch with today?”

“Woah – what? Hold on a second!”

“No!” He's yelling, his voice tumultuary, he doesn't care. “Tell me!”

“His name was Okita Sougo!” Gintoki stares at him with wide eyes. “What the fuck is your deal?”

“Why did you have lunch with him?”

“I dunno! He came looking for a table outside, but they were all full, so since I was alone I invited him to sit with me!”

“That's it?”

“Yeah!” Gintoki's hands are raised to either side of his head. “Wanna tell me what's up?”

“What did you talk about?”

Gintoki keeps his hands up, but he relaxes and his once startled expression turns bemused. “Stuff, I guess. If this is some kinda jealous thing, I didn't sleep with him, I didn't even try to. It was honestly just he had nowhere to sit and I had no problem sharing with someone.”

“I'm not j-jealous!” Hijikata snaps and tightens his fist in Gintoki's shirt so it's up higher toward his neck. “I don't g-give a fuck about that just – just tell me if I c-came up in conversation!”

“You?” Now he just looks confused. “Why would you?” His hands lower and his head tips to the side. “We talked mostly about desserts, politics, movies, and the mystery of sailing stones. Will you _please_ tell me what this is about now?”

Hijikata's whole eye twitches unnaturally. “S-sailing stones... you talked about... sailing stones... with _him_?”

“Yeah, he's a really cool guy. In hindsight, it might've been kinda weird to talk about something like that with a stranger, but I don't know, he reminded me of myself a little bit.”

“I hate... s-so much about everything you're sayin'.”

Gintoki rolls his eyes and is smart enough to keep his hands to himself. “How is that anything new? What the hell is with this though? Do you know him or something?”

Shoving Gintoki really hard into the door, Hijikata lets go and pulls out his pack of cigarettes. “I work with him.”

“Oh.”

There's a muffled sound and when Hijikata looks back up, Gintoki has a hand over his mouth and mirth in his eyes.

“Don't you dare laugh!”

Too late.

Gintoki bursts out laughing and laughs so hard he even bangs a fist on the door. “Are you kidding me? Oh my god! I c-can't – this is t-too funny!”

“Shut up!” Hijikata goes to the table and sits, angrily flicking ash into the tray. Gintoki keeps laughing and even though he tries to suppress himself with a hand, he just starts giggling stupidly through his fingers. “Whenever you're finished, asshole.”

It takes a few minutes, but Gintoki eventually calms enough to sit at the table with him and there's so much mirth still in his eyes that they're a little watery. Hijikata just glares at him, he really wants to kick him out, but he wants to know more about what happened first... _then_ he'll kick Gintoki's dumbass out.

“Sorry,” Gintoki wipes at an eye, “I swear it was nothing. You never came up in conversation once. He'd mentioned at one point,” he looks to the ceiling like he's thinking back to it, “mm... near the beginning, right around then he'd mentioned it was his day off, but I never asked about his job. He doesn't even know I live near you since he was the one that had to turn first to leave for his own place.”

Hijikata fervently starts on a second cigarette and can't help but let out a sigh of relief. “It was really on accident?”

“Yeah! It really was!” Gintoki gets up and goes to the cupboard to get himself a glass. He says as he looks in the fridge for something to drink, “It was kinda funny, actually. The waitress thought we were together as friends or something else, I don't know, but she only brought us one check. While I liked the guy, he was sort of an ass for not paying for my meal after I so graciously shared my table with him.”

“Sounds like him, usually he weasels it outta me or Kondo.”

“You really need some strawberry milk,” Gintoki says as he gives up on the fridge and fills his glass with water before sitting back down. “Who's Kondo?”

“Nope! Don't ask! Forget his name! You've already met not one, but _two_ people you shouldn't have! Three strikes and you're out!”

“But I didn't know you worked with him! How am I supposed to avoid people you know, hah? Like, am I not supposed to talk to new people on the off chance you know them?”

“That's exactly what you should do! I don't care! Just don't go near Sougo or my brother ever again!” Gintoki reaches out and touches Hijikata's wrist, but he tears his arm away. “Don't you fuckin' touch me.”

Whatever mirth had been on Gintoki's face quickly leaves and his hand stays half-stretched toward him. Hijikata uses both hands to rub his face after putting his cigarette on the edge of the tray, he doesn't even want to look at Gintoki right now. He sighs into his hands, then pushes his hair back with one, but keeps his eyes closed.

“I'm sorry,” it sucks so much how sincere he sounds, “I really didn't know who he was.”

Hijikata tugs on the hair he has between his fingers and opens one eye halfway to look at him. Fuck everything, he even _looks_ sincere, but Hijikata still doesn't trust it.

“You know I can do a full background check at work, right?”

“Of course I know that, do it if you want to.” He leans forward a little more and doesn't look away for a second. “I literally have nothing I'm trying to hide from you. It was pure chance someone you know shared a table with me today and it was under no pretenses that I kissed you that night. I wanted you then and I still want you now.”

Hijikata hates the blush that he can feel heating his cheeks and he swallows against his dry throat, asking, “So... he's not payin' you to get to me?”

Gintoki recoils and frowns. “No. I admit I'm not a great guy, sometimes not even a good one, but I'm better than that shit. Having spoken to him, I can tell the guy is a sadist, but he really didn't strike me as someone that would do something like that.”

“His intentions would be good in a really fucked up way,” Hijikata says and blinks both eyes open as he takes up his cigarette.

“I really don't see how.”

“For some reason, everyone is convinced I'm one step away from another breakdown.”

“Are you?”

“No.” He reaches over and takes Gintoki's glass, but instead of a sip, he ends up downing the whole thing. “But you do it once and somehow that's all it takes for assurance of a second.” Gintoki's watching him and he knows he said too much, way too much, so he quickly adds waspishly, “Don't ask.”

Gintoki nods and gets up with the glass to refill it. “I really did like him, he was good to talk to.”

“Sailing stones must have been riveting.”

“It wasn't just that, he's a good conversationalist with excellent taste in desserts and movies.”

Hijikata's nose curls up. “You like that history shit too?”

“History shit,” Gintoki snorts and sits back down, “you should bite your tongue. There's nothing wrong with enjoying movies that are historically accurate.”

He still doesn't feel good at all, his adrenaline is still pumping through his veins and it churns his stomach. Much as he still thinks otherwise, he sort of believes Gintoki and he recognizes that he might have jumped to a lot of conclusions on his own. Can he really be blamed though? After seeing them together, what was he supposed to think?

“You should go.”

Surprise flits across Gintoki's face, probably at the abruptness of it, but for once, he doesn't contest the demand. He gets up and goes to the door, but pauses and turns back.

“You never came up once today,” he stalls and opens the door, “ and I was happy you texted. I'm _really_ not the best guy out there, but I promise you, I'm better than having someone pay me to sleep with you for some extra cash.”

He leaves, the door closes with a soft click, and all Hijikata wants to do is punch something.

-o-O-o-

A whole week goes by and Hijikata doesn't see any sign of Gintoki the entire time. It's a good thing because it gives him time to calm down and no, he doesn't do a background check, it somehow doesn't seem fair. An invasion of privacy that he has no right to have accusing him the way he had.

He knows without a doubt that Gintoki had been telling the truth. Hijikata hadn't asked Sougo or even brought it up, he'd instead talked to an old acquaintance about a security tape for that area. In under five minutes, Hijikata physically saw everything that happened and even with the poor quality it was obvious Gintoki and Sougo had never met before. All the signs were there, Sougo even stood facing Gintoki for awhile before Gintoki waved him over. Had they known each other prior, there's no reason Sougo would have stood there that long.

The biggest giveaway though was that Gintoki had stood and they'd shook hands as they introduced themselves. Having known Sougo for so long, Hijikata knows he never shakes hands with people he's familiar with, he rarely ever shakes hands with new people. So now Hijikata just feels like shit for going off the handle as he had and it doesn't help that Gintoki's apartment now seems like a ghost town.

Well, all except for that night, the night everything had happened. Hijikata had been lighting up his second cigarette when the light in Gintoki's apartment had turned on. Immediately, Hijikata had hunkered down lower in his seat thinking he wouldn't be seen since his room had been dark and from there, he watched. He wasn't going to give up his seat just because Gintoki was in his apartment walking around, that was just stupid. He'd been chain smoking all evening and Gintoki had looked toward his apartment for over a minute before disappearing out of sight, presumably for bed.

Since then there has been nothing and Hijikata's life is back in a nice flow, one that he's used to. He's at work and Sougo hasn't been an issue, though he does squint at Hijikata sometimes, like he's trying to figure something out. In a way, that's comforting, it tells him Sougo is still looking for something Hijikata's hiding.

Because Sougo has no idea, just like Gintoki told him.

“Good afternoon!”

Hijikata looks up at his brother and quickly looks away as Tamegoro sits down for lunch. “Hey.”

“Is... everything alright?”

“Yeah, just distracted.”

“You can take an extra day off this week, you don't have to stay here.”

“It's fine, it's where I wanna be.”

Tamegoro shifts his weight and starts unpacking his sandwich. “What's distracting you then?”

“Just stuff.”

“That's really not a very good answer.”

“Sorry, I'm a little out of it. I'm okay, I just –”

“You're not okay,” Tamegoro interrupts. “Whatever is bothering you, it's your business, but you don't look the best. Are you not feeling well?”

“Something like that....”

“Well, whatever it is, you can tell me.”

Hijikata half-smiles, he knows he has Tamegoro, he always does. This really isn't something he wants to discuss though, just having the support is making him feel a little better. Honestly, he feels guilty as fuck and that's really taking its toll on him. Gintoki is just a guy he sleeps with, but no one really deserves to be accused like that when they're innocent. Hijikata should have looked into it more before snapping, but he'd just gotten so worked up over the whole thing.

“It's just something small, nothing to worry about.”

“Maybe you've been smoking too much.”

Hijikata eats his potato chips and scoffs after swallowing, “Yeah, that's probably it.”

“Oh, having a little get together in a few weeks, you gonna come?”

“Might.”

“What, thing you'll be busy?”

He narrows his eyes and wipes some oil onto his pants. “Could be, who knows.”

“Sure you could be,” Tamegoro smiles a little and eats part of his sandwich. “Say, how's Gintoki doing?”

The name startles the fuck out of him, but he does his best not to show it. “Him? He's fine, I guess. Don't know, haven't really talked to him.” Not a lie – that really isn't a lie, he hasn't spoken to Gintoki in a week or even seen him except that once. “Why?”

Thank god he hadn't stuttered.

“I liked him, been thinking he might enjoy coming over for that party since it'll involve the game. Could you ask him for me?”

“I c-could, but,” he clears his throat, “you sure you wanna ask him? You barely know him.”

“Yeah, but he seemed like a good guy and I enjoyed talking to him. I don't think he'd have trouble fitting in at all and plus, if he comes there's a better chance you'll actually show up too, oh, protective younger brother of mine.”

“That's very underhanded of you.”

Tamegoro smirks. “If it gets you out of your apartment for awhile I'll be as underhanded as I need to be.”

“I don't have to pass your message along, I don't even know if I'll even see him between now and then.”

“If you see him, you'll ask him because I'm the one that wants you to.”

It's kind of annoying how well Tamegoro knows Hijikata will do anything for him. He's glad, too, that this isn't making him anxious at all. He trusts his brother implicitly, so he has no doubt that this is a safe conversation, his brother would never do anything like try and hook him up with someone. But another annoying thing is that Gintoki is known by two people he shouldn't and _liked_ by two people that shouldn't.

Rolling his eyes, Hijikata shoves more potato chips into his mouth and Tamegoro laughs, he knows he has won. They trickle off into idle conversation and after lunch, Hijikata feels better and actually gets a good night sleep – though there's no light or activity from the building over.

-o-O-o-

It's the next day that Hijikata hears from Gintoki and in its own way, it's a relief.

_Are you still mad at me?_

Hijikata stares at the text and chews his lip, wrought with indecision. He can ignore it, but he's a man of his word and he agreed to this part. He will answer at least one thing and Gintoki _has_ put it into question format, which he has.

Now, is he _really_ mad at Gintoki?

No.

He knows that he'd jumped to conclusions, but there's still a part of him that thinks they shouldn't be sleeping together in the first place. It's just sex, that's all Hijikata's in it for, but now he feels like he owes Gintoki a little leeway because of the way he'd reacted. Just a _little_. Gintoki is more of a hassle than anything, not to mention a fucking liability, but Hijikata's going to say he owes the moron one.

Just one.

He texts back a single word – no.

He snaps his phone decisively shut and not a minute later, it's going off again. A picture comes in of thick binding ropes and Hijikata feels himself convulse in his chair and he shields it carefully in case there are prying eyes. The text says: _Maybe we could get a little kinky tonight?_

Now, Hijikata isn't at all disinterested, he'll admit that, but the fact remains that he really doesn't know Gintoki very well. Ergo, he doesn't trust him still. But can he, just for this?

In the secret of his desk, he begins making a list while pretending he's still doing paperwork. The right column he starts putting down all the reasons why he should and the left is just one big _no_ at the top. He spends a solid five minutes on it before he realizes he's going to give in. How does he know? Well, when he starts putting really lame reasons like 'the sex is good' in the yes column, that's kind of a giveaway.

He likes that kind of stuff, the rougher, almost painful stuff. He just always has, that spark of pain with pleasure pushes him right over the edge. He hasn't ever had a good partner for it and really it's a kink he doesn't cast any light on, but... god, he does owe him one. Gintoki doesn't seem like he's holding any grudges over the whole thing, so maybe it can be forgotten and once Hijikata doesn't feel so much guilt in his gut he'll be able to move on properly.

Then, Hijikata freaks the fuck out because he literally just made a list about the pros and cons of bondage with Gintoki _while he's at work._ Has he always been this fucking stupid? Taking the paper, he goes over to the shredder and shoves it in, watching in satisfaction as it gets torn to bits of confetti not even Sougo could put back together. And the thing that makes this extra shitty is that Hijikata is actually really intrigued despite himself, so much so that just thinking about it has his body reacting.

“Going out for a cigarette,” he tells a coworker as he heads out to the back.

Behind the building is a nice quiet area where he can be alone and they've made it a smoking zone since it's blocked off from the street and nearby buildings. He goes out and leans back against the wall, the isolation a good way to be alone with his thoughts.

Until his phone starts ringing.

Hijikata almost doesn't answer when he sees who it is, he _nearly_ chucks the phone away on impulse, but in the end his finger... slips.

“What?”

“ _Were the ropes not the right color?_ ” Hijikata lifts the phone away from his ear when he hears a screamed, “ _No! Don't hang up!_ ”

He lets Gintoki wait a few extra seconds before putting the phone back to his ear, replying, “Then don't say stupid shit.”

“ _Well, it was a pretty legit question... how are you?_ ”

“Really? That's kinda lame, I expected a better segue than that from an idiot like you.”

“ _Ah, then how about there's a party in my pants and you're invited?”_

“God, no, that's even worse!”

Gintoki laughs and Hijikata relaxes back into the wall to continue smoking. “ _We can skip all that then, does anytime this week work for you?_ ”

“Booking in advance, are you?”

“ _I want something more than a quicky this time._ ”

Hijikata glares at the wall across from him. “Why?”

“ _Yeah, why would anyone want to have sex that lasts longer than a few minutes? Unsolved mystery of the world, that one is._ ”

“T'ch!” Hijikata covers the receiver with a cupped hand even though there's no one around. “Lasted longer than a few minutes, bastard!”

“ _Okay, fine, but not much longer. First time we were drunk, second time you asked for it to be quick, this time, I'm asking for it to be not so quick._ ”

Hijikata sighs and uncertainty wins out. “F-fine, but no ropes.”

“ _Thought you were into that stuff?_ ”

“I a-am. But not yet... don't trust you enough.”

“ _How does one even go about earning a mayora's trust? Bring mayonnaise sacrifices?_ ”

“That's... a start.”

“ _Alright, what else?_ ”

Hijikata gets a little frazzled. “F-figure it out as you go!”

“ _I already don't steal, I get you off, I don't meet up with your coworkers in secret and get paid by them, what more do you want?_ ”

“J-just – ah, fuck, just not yet, okay?” Hijikata wants to smash his face into something sharp. “Lemme g-get used to you some more o-or... whatever.”

“ _Oh, that's it?”_ Gintoki doesn't sound in the least bit mocking. “ _Yeah, that's no problem. You free tonight though?”_

Hijikata smothers his face with a hand as he grudgingly says yes.

**To Be Continued**

 


	5. When Stabbed With an Arrow, is it Easier to Pull it Out or Push it Through?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bondage

It's raining out, a steady stream as opposed to a downpour, and Hijikata is seated by his window, curled up with a hot drink. He looks up when the lights turn on in Gintoki's apartment and Hijikata sees him take off his shirt right when he walks in. His back is to the window and Hijikata can see his muscles when he moves, especially when he raises his arms above his head to stretch. Hijikata's apartment is dark enough that no one can see into it, so he doesn't feel any need to move away or retreat.

He doesn't think Gintoki's paying any attention to his apartment anyway, the guy seems pretty distracted and now it looks like he's searching for something. It doesn't surprise him at all that Gintoki is the type to just toss his clothes wherever and walk around half-naked. Hijikata likes where they're at, the last time they slept together had been a few days ago, but it'd been over a week since Hijikata had made that stupid pros and cons list. They don't have a routine, Gintoki doesn't ask for anything other than sex, and they don't talk much between meetings, it's Hijikata's ideal fuck buddy.

Not to mention the sex is top notch.

Hijikata had had no idea what Gintoki's version of  _ something more than a quicky _ was and now that he has experienced it, he knows he likes it. He leans his head to the side and watches Gintoki walk around. He's on the phone now and pacing through his apartment, but never once glances out the window. Licking his dry lips, Hijikata slips a hand into his pajama pants and take his cock in hand. He sets his drink down on the sill and gives himself a few measured strokes from base to tip.

He doesn't usually have too many sexual needs, but tonight he's just in the mood and he hasn't done anything for self-pleasure in so long that he has forgotten how good it feels. He listens to the rain and strokes himself slowly at first, then a little faster. His head tilts back against the wall behind him and the lingering smoke from his last cigarette is still really pungent. He can taste alcohol on the back of his tongue and maybe he has had a little too much and that's why he's doing this.

Looking out the window again, Gintoki is laughing and his belt is undone, his pants unbuttoned, zipper down so they're hanging open. He scratches his stomach and even from where Hijikata's sitting, he can see Gintoki's muscles. His cock pulses and he slides his other hand into his boxers to cup his sack. He lets his fingers squeeze and roll over his skin, the pressure going right to his lower stomach. His hips start bucking in shallow movements as he watches Gintoki and he thinks about the last time they'd slept together. How Gintoki's lips had wrapped around his dick, so soft and pliant, and how that mouth had brought him right to the edge of orgasm before pulling off to make it last.

Gintoki had rolled Hijikata over on his stomach then and fucked him raw. He'd bitten the sheets and twisted his fingers in them, so full and satisfied that his eyes had teared up. He bites his lip and watches through his lashes as Gintoki turns around so his back is facing the window. He's still talking animatedly if his motions are anything to go by, but it's the visual of skin that's all Hijikata needs to finish himself off. He thinks about the sound of Gintoki's skin slapping against his, imagines how Gintoki's back muscles must have flexed during sex, and with a moan, he slides a hand up over the tip of his cock and cums into his palm.

He hits his head on the wall and rides out his orgasm, but it's over too soon. When Gintoki makes him cum, it lasts longer, however, he's not complaining. He takes some deep breaths and sits for a few minutes before getting up to clean the mess. He's a little unsteady on his feet from drinking, but he makes it to his nightstand to grab some tissues to wipe everything up. Things have been quiet for Hijikata, all except one instance involving Sougo over a week ago.

_ It's cold in the office when Sougo walks in and by then, Hijikata is already at his desk. His ass and backside hurts, but he actually has very little to complain about given the outcome. Though, when Sougo enters, that draws Hijikata's attention right away. He tightens his grip on his coffee cup and readies himself for the encounter that he's sure is going to come. _

_He squints up as Sougo meanders by with a skip in his step. “You seem happy... too happy. What're you up to?”_

_“Nothing.” Sougo is much too pleased with himself. “I've met someone.”_

_“Met... someone?”_

_“A person of interest.”_

_“Poor soul, I already pity her.”_

_“Him.”_

_ Hijikata almost spits up his coffee. “H-him? She's a he? I knew you were, ah – adventurous, b-but I didn't actually think y-you'd, um –” _

_“Be interested in another guy?” Sougo finishes and Hijikata gulps. “Well, as you know, I'm interested in whatever tickles my fancy and this guy has.”_

_“Do I know him?”_

_“No, I just ran into him not too long ago and he's a difficult man to track down.”_

_“Maybe he doesn't wanna b-be,” fucking stutter, “found.”_

_“Won't know that until I find him, will I?”_

_Hijikata forces a shrug. “I guess. Good luck.”_

Hijikata had been worried about it at first, but like most things with Sougo, his interest fizzled out and he latched onto something else. It's still alarming that Gintoki can attract that kind of attention, but it's not that Hijikata really cares what he does, he just doesn't want anything to backfire on him. It's like Sougo has some kind of attention deficit disorder because he can never stay focused on anything for too long.

It really has worried him, but last time they met, he'd asked Gintoki about it and according to him, he hasn't seen Sougo at all. He'd promised to let Hijikata know if he does meet Sougo again and Hijikata trusts that. Recently, Sougo has been distracted by a case involving a hoard of strippers breaking the law by pushing the lines of open street prostitution, so he has been very invested in that. In this case, Hijikata doesn't feel all that alarmed or anything. He's wary of Sougo, but unless they happen to run into each other again, there's really no way for Sougo to find Gintoki.

So, things have been good, he's in a comfortable place and doesn't have anything to complain about. He's a simple guy and while the addition of Gintoki had shaken things up at first, he feels like he has found a good medium and balanced things out again. He can sleep easier, he has a healthy way to release tension, and he can relax without having to stay up worrying about different things.

As long as he can keep himself balanced, he does pretty good.

-o-O-o-

Four Days Later

-o-O-o-

It's one of those mornings.

Yes, one of _those_ mornings, the mornings where Hijikata doesn't give a fuck about taking any coffee to work with him, he downs it all right there in his apartment. He had two cigarettes, he's skipping breakfast, and he needs to stop at the store after work to pick up a new pack because he's almost out and his reserves are running low. He changes into a simple shirt and a pair of jeans, then heads out, annoyed at the sun the second he opens the door leading outside. Why must it be a sunny day? What reason does the sun have to shine so bright this day?

“Morning, neighbor!”

Hijikata turns his head to glare by default at Gintoki, but the potency of his glare gets interrupted by surprise. He's sitting on a sleek and polished black motorcycle, a leg on each side to keep balanced, and Hijikata... really hadn't seen this coming. The seat looks like soft black leather and Gintoki's helmet is resting behind him, this is seriously not at all the kind of transportation Hijikata would have envisioned for this idiot.

“You know, you're kinda supposed to say something back after someone greets you.”

“Ah... you have a motorcycle?”

Gintoki grins and pats the area between the handles. “Sure do! I've never had a car, these things are so much easier to maneuver and I can park pretty much anywhere I want. If you're off to work I could give you a ride?”

“I like the walk.”

“One ride won't kill you.”

“With you it might.” He looks around to make sure no one is paying attention to them, then asks, “Why are you parked over here?”

“Someone accidentally parked in my spot last night, they didn't know that lot was assigned to tenants. I met them and they were really nice about it. They offered to move for me, but they're new and don't know the area, so I told them they could use it for the night.”

“Suck up.”

“Being nice to people isn't sucking up to them,” Gintoki replies and rolls both of the cuffed sleeves to his blue plaid shirt up to his elbows. “Dressed a little too warm for today, I think.”

“So that's not actually some biker gang thing?”

Gintoki laughs and shakes his head. “Not even close. I'd really like to have a nice leather jacket, but I just haven't ever gotten around to buying one.”

“No leather jacket could make you look cool.”

“Maybe not, but if I got some leather gloves to go with it, those at least could be re-purposed for other recreational activities.” It takes Hijikata a moment, but when he gets it, a blush slams into his face and he's right back to glaring. Gintoki snorts, then pats the seat behind him, saying, “Get on already. You've been checking it out the whole time, you might as well give it a go.”

Hijikata frowns and pulls out his phone to check the time. “I haven't been checkin' it out and I've lost too much time talkin' to you so you're gonna have to take me.”

“You don't have to make up excuses, I don't mind giving you a ride.” He grabs the helmet and holds it out for Hijikata. “You can use this one, I have a matching one in the back.”

Taking it, Hijikata puts it on and adjusts the strap under his chin to keep it in place. Gintoki has already put on his other one – which he'd gotten from a compartment beneath the back seat – and slid on a pair of dark sunglasses. The helmets are actually really nice, they're not huge, instead they're slim and light and don't look or make him feel stupid. Grabbing onto Gintoki's shoulders, he throws his leg over the back and takes a seat. He gets his feet up in the right place and good christ, this thing is comfortable, he even has to fight back a little groan.

“Don't drop me off in front of the building, do it a block over.”

“Sure thing!”

The bike roars and vibrates to life and Hijikata, as subtly and nonchalantly as he can, slides his arms down to Gintoki's hips. In idle, the bike makes a nice purring sound that isn't loud and annoying like a lot of motorcycles can be. Gintoki looks both ways, then kicks off and pulls out into the street. The tires glide over the road and the ride is so much smoother than Hijikata had expected it to be. He watches from over Gintoki's shoulder as he speeds up and Hijikata finds being on a motorcycle all kinds of thrilling. They lean together when Gintoki turns and it really is so nice how easy it is for him to get them through traffic. The wind feels good on Hijikata's face and he makes sure not to press up against Gintoki's back, he keeps a good distance between them.

It doesn't take long at all before Gintoki's parking and cutting the engine. “You should let me take you on some roads out of the city where I can really open her up.”

Hijikata gets off and removes his helmet. “This goes beneath this back seat?”

“Yeah, there's a little latch on the side there, see it?”

“Got it.”

He opens it and Gintoki asks what Hijikata had been waiting for, “You free tomorrow?”

“No,” he closes the seat and turns away to hide how his cheeks flush, “but the next day I am. You can come by anytime after five-thirty.”

“Sounds good, I'll text you when I'm on my way.” Hijikata gives him a backward wave. “Have a good day!”

Hijikata hears the bike come to life again and lets out a breath when it revs up and Gintoki drives off. As far as fuck buddies go, Gintoki is a good one and it's a little unsettling to Hijikata just how comfortable he already is with the bastard.

-o-O-o-

Hijikata finishes pouring himself a drink and takes half of it down in one swig. He'd gotten a text from Gintoki about twenty minutes ago and he expects him to show up at any moment.

 _On my way from downtown_ , the text had read.

This is Hijikata's first drink, he'd been holding off until closer to the time Gintoki is supposed to arrive because tonight is a night for drinking. But he doesn't want to be too far gone when Gintoki gets here, so he's trying to time this right. It usually takes around twenty minutes to drive from downtown, so it should take Gintoki less on that bike of his... unless he's walking. Rolling his eyes at himself, he pours himself another shot and gulps it down. He lights a cigarette next and he doesn't mean to pace, he doesn't want to pace, but he's pacing. He goes from the window in his room to his living room to his kitchen, then back to his window. It's nervous energy that has no current outlet and he loathes how he gravitates to his window every time he thinks he hears the rumble of a motorcycle.

At the thirty minute mark, Hijikata hears a knock and he squishes the cigarette he's on in the tray on the table. He runs a hand through his hair and straightens his clothes – he hadn't bothered to change yet. Composed, Hijikata opens the door and Gintoki pushes his way in with a huge smile on his face and a large pizza box with a plastic bag on top between his hands.

“I've got pizza! I can't get you out to try any of the great food places I know, so I've brought some to you!” He sets the box on the table and starts undoing the plastic bag. “This place makes amazing breadsticks, so I got an order of those and I wasn't sure what kind of pizza you'd like, but instead of getting two I ordered a half and half.” Hijikata's stomach would have growled if it weren't twisting into a nervous excited knot. “I hope you're hungry, I'd thought about telling you not to eat, but I didn't want to ruin the surprise, either.”

Downing what is left of his drink, Hijikata sets the glass on the counter and doesn't answer. He wipes his palms on his jeans to try and get rid of the sweat, which doesn't work so well. Gintoki has stopped unpacking things and his brows have furrowed like he doesn't know if he has done something wrong.

“I could put this away if you're not hungry....”

Hijikata stops thinking, just shuts off all the little nuances going up and down in his head, and advances on him.

“Is this how it is?” he asks, snagging Gintoki's chin. “You think you can just gimme food and I'll let you fuck me?” He pushes his thumb into Gintoki's mouth and digs his nail into the top of the other's tongue, forcing Gintoki's mouth open a little wider. He presses down harder and thank god Gintoki gets it right away, Hijikata knows because the other's pupils visibly dilate. Leaning in closer, he wedges his nail in deeper, possibly drawing blood, saying lowly, “Maybe today you're right.”

Gintoki bites him.

His mouth closes and he sinks his teeth in, his eyes searching Hijikata's. It's a permission thing and it honestly surprises Hijikata some when Gintoki does it and actively looks for an affirmative before continuing. Gintoki's teeth grind by moving side to side, creating a sting, and Hijikata encourages it. He really presses his nail down and he knows he's drawing blood, but Gintoki doesn't look anything less than pleased. His hands grab onto Hijikata's hips and take such a firm hold that Hijikata gasps.

It's like that one small noise just sets Gintoki off because he just kind of snaps. He shoves Hijikata away and releases his thumb, but the next thing Hijikata really knows is he has a wall to his back and Gintoki's body is covering his own. He'd probably cuss, but there's a mouth on his and the kiss is too goddamn satisfying to risk interrupting. He throws his arms around Gintoki's shoulders and just lets him take control because he definitely does want this. He can taste blood from Gintoki's mouth, but he's not at all put off by it and obviously neither is Gintoki. It's amazing to him how Gintoki devours him, tongue going deep into his mouth and lips so demanding, it's almost too easy for Hijikata to give himself into that.

“Do,” Gintoki starts walking backward, pulling Hijikata with him, “you have anything here to use?”

They both grunt when they run into the table, but it doesn't stop Gintoki from kissing at Hijikata's neck. He literally just shifts like he meant to do it and attaches to Hijikata's pulse point, lips soft and breath warm.

“Nnm... h-handcuffs.”

“ _Fuck –”_ Gintoki shudders, “move – get a move on!”

Hijikata lets himself be moved and directed to his bedroom and he has to commend Gintoki's navigation skills. Nerves have him already panting and he welcomes Gintoki back in his arms, between his legs, when he comes in for a kiss after he's pushed on the bed. He's ready to get this going, though he knows he's trying to rush something that can't really be rushed. Gintoki kisses him until he's flat on his back and Hijikata gets his fingers tangled up in permy locks, his legs raising to encircle his hips.

“Goddamn it,” Gintoki squirms and disentangles himself, “hold on. Get the handcuffs, I'll be right back.” He gives Hijikata one last hard kiss before getting up all the way and taking a large step back. “Seriously. Just a few minutes.”

It takes Hijikata close to a minute after Gintoki leaves to pull himself together enough to remember where he put his handcuffs. He gets up off the bed on clumsy feet and tears at his closet until he unearths them. They're cold in his hands and he shudders knowing they'll be around his wrists soon. How long has he been craving this? Meeting Gintoki has brought the desire to the surface and perhaps even amplified it, but he has been goddamn yearning and the time is finally here. He goes back to the bed and quickly gets himself so his back is against the headboard.

A few minutes later, as promised, Gintoki returns into the room without a shirt and a tray in his hands, which he sets on the nightstand. There's more than one thing on the tray, but the only things Hijikata can stare at is the two candles burning brightly in the dark of his room. He recognizes them from one of his kitchen drawers, they're there for emergencies, like if the electricity goes out. Hijikata's whole stomach turns over and his mouth goes completely dry, he knows exactly what those candles will be used for. He doesn't comment as Gintoki pulls the nightstand out a few feet so it's placed more toward the middle of the bed, frankly, he can't think of anything to really say, his mind is blank. 

“You want a little something more to drink before we get into it?”

Hijikata nods and he's really so glad that Gintoki actually _gets it,_ not a lot of people do. Gintoki hands him the bottle of vodka he brought and Hijikata uncaps it to take a huge swig. It burns so much it hurts as it goes down, he grimaces against the taste it's so strong. With a few deep breaths, he takes another drink, this one smaller, then hands the bottle back to Gintoki who takes a couple gulps of his own.

“You ready?”

“Yeah,” Hijikata replies, his voice hoarse.

“Good, now get on your back.”

Hijikata does that without protest and his stomach flips over again with nervous, anticipatory tension. Smirking, Gintoki crawls over Hijikata's body and sits down on his lower stomach, the movement much too much like a cat. Something that really helps Hijikata relax is that Gintoki seems to know what he's doing and that confidence is contagious. The alcohol plays a huge part in keeping him calm and he's glad he got a little more in his system that will kick in soon to give him more liquid courage.

“You sure you're ready?” Hijikata nods and lets Gintoki kiss him, which is another calming thing since it's familiar. Slowly, Gintoki takes one of Hijikata's hands and raises it up above his head – there's a click and a press of cold metal. Hijikata keeps his eyes closed and lets Gintoki take his second hand. Another click follows and Hijikata's winces slightly as they're closed tight, pinching his skin and making his fingers twitch. “I hope you're not too attached to this shirt.” Hijikata doesn't get to reply because Gintoki is already ripping the fabric, tearing it right down the middle. Lips press against Hijikata's and his whole body shakes when Gintoki says against his mouth, “Things are gonna get a little messy.”

“Hnn,” Hijikata moans and his lashes flutter, he's ready for this, except, “s-safe word.”

Gintoki sits up and cocks his head to the side. “Thought we agreed on banana hammock?”

“N-no! I told you no!”

“Poodle doodle? Pancake starfish? Honey tits? Supercalafragalisticexpialadoshus?”

“That's atrocious.”

“Ha!” Gintoki barks out a laugh and his eyes positively shine with glee. “I can't believe you just said that! You _do_ have a sense of humor! Aw,” he pretends to wipe a tear, “I never thought I'd see the day.”

“G-get serious a-already!”

“Okay, okay... we could use colors? Like, street lights, you know? Green for go, yellow for warning, red for stop? That's pretty common and none of those are things anyone typically yells out during sex.”

Hijikata thinks it over and kind of marvels that something like _poodle doodle_ didn't make him lose his erection. “Yeah, t-that's good.”

“Alright, good. Now, what if you're gagged?”

“H-haah? You're g-gonna gag me?”

“Well, it has crossed my mind, yeah. And I plan on getting you to make noise, I might _need_ to gag you if you get too loud.”

Hijikata sputters and his face is bright red, he can feel it. “A-ah... for now maybe t-two hits of the h-handcuffs on the headboard?”

Gintoki ducks his head and runs a hand through his hair to sheepishly scratch at the back of his neck, saying, “To be completely honest, I will ignore just two hits. To get my attention, you'll need to hit it repeatedly and make a racket. I'm not inattentive or anything, I just kinda get really into it and might think two hits is you enjoying yourself instead of the opposite.”

The open admission puts Hijikata at ease even more and he nods. “I'll make plenty of n-noise then.”

“You've... been wanting to get into this stuff for awhile, haven't you?” Hijikata glares until Gintoki smirks and rolls his hips. “Don't even pretend, your cock was hard before I even sat down you. Bet you've been thinking about this all day... or longer.”

Hijikata won't admit to longer, he remains steadfast and tight lipped.

“This is such a nice chest you have,” Gintoki says and it actually sounds like he means it as he puts both hands on Hijikata ribs. “It'll look good all red and marked up.”

His hands slide up and down Hijikata's stomach, nails lightly scratching at different parts like he's testing each area. His thumbs roll over Hijikata's nipples and they're already hard, the stimulation ignites a stronger feeling. He feels like a specimen in a lab the way Gintoki treats him and the handcuffs clank against the headboard when he tightens his fingers into fists. Slowly, Gintoki starts moving backward and the second he's off Hijikata's dick, he breathes a relieved sigh. The pressure was really getting to him, so much that he'd wanted to buck his hips and get off right then.

“You're not going to be needing these,” Gintoki says as he gets between Hijikata's legs and pulls his pants down. “Want anything else to drink? This is your last chance.”

Hijikata shakes his head, he's in a good place, anymore alcohol and his head will be swimming too much to keep up with everything. He lifts his hips for Gintoki to get his clothes off and it feels good just to be out of them. Gintoki pushes his way between Hijikata's legs and slides either leg around his hips. It's a vulnerable position and further proof that Hijikata is very literally now at Gintoki's mercy. The heating system clicks on as Gintoki once more slides his hands over Hijikata's torso and it finally dawns on him that the bastard is seeking out sensitive spots. He probably already knows most of them thanks to their romps, but he's feeling for more by scratching with his nails and his eyes are basically burning Hijikata with how closely they're watching him.

“I'm starting to think I need a cock ring for you, you're already leaking all over yourself and I haven't done anything yet.”

“S-shuddap! It's f-fine, just –”

Two fingers get shoved into his mouth and he bites them to teach the moron a lesson. Too bad his message doesn't get through because Gintoki smirks and presses his fingers down farther along Hijikata's tongue. Fucker looks like he's enjoying the treatment, which is... interesting, albeit, useless information right now.

“Quite the M, aren't you? Could always tell by the way you sigh and moan when I get a little rougher.”

It's different hearing Gintoki talk like this. Usually he's pretty quiet and talks mainly just for direction purposes, but Hijikata can't say he doesn't like this. He swirls his tongue around Gintoki's fingers and keeps his teeth pressed down hard enough to leave indents. The thought crosses his mind to bite down until Gintoki bleeds and just the idea of blood play gets Hijikata's blood flowing a little too fast to his cock.

Gintoki pulls his fingers back until Hijikata has to let go and once they're released, Gintoki pops the button of his pants to get them open. He's on his knees and pressed so close that Hijikata's sack is basically on top of Gintoki's groin, there's hardly any room between them. The alcohol is more in his system now and he can feel it working, but the intensity the situation brings somewhat burns that alcohol up so he doesn't feel it as strongly as he normally would have. That's invigorating, he so rarely gets to do stuff like this and this first time for the two of them is more of a way to test the waters than anything, but so far it's going in the right direction. He doesn't think he'll last long at all, but the bulge he feels pressed up against him tells him that Gintoki probably isn't going to, either.

Every single one of Hijikata's senses pinpoints when Gintoki reaches over and picks up the first candle. Gintoki holds the candle up and Hijikata can't take his eyes off it. Each flicker of the flame is menacing as much as it is alluring. The candle slowly tilts and Gintoki is watching Hijikata like a goddamn starved animal, he likely hadn't been kidding when he said he really gets into this stuff. The wax pools at the very edge and starts to go over, but Gintoki doesn't let it drop down just yet. The anticipation has Hijikata's heart pounding and he doesn't move a single muscle as he waits. With Gintoki positioned the way he is, the candlelight burns in his red, red eyes and that adds to things more than it takes away. Again, that animal look – it heightens Hijikata's awareness and there's an element of danger tossed into the mix.

Wax heats its way through the rim, melting it, and the liquid dribbles down to hit Hijikata along his ribs on his right side. He gasps in surprise and groans, toes curling, as the hot, quickly drying sting travels down his side to the remnants of his shirt. Fuck, it hurts, but it feels so damn good, too. A second drizzle of wax hits his nipple and that one makes him cry out and jolt in place.

“You should see yourself,” Gintoki growls, pleased with himself, while his other hand touches down near Hijikata's cock.

Hijikata's skin jumps where he thinks wax is going to land next, but it doesn't happen. There's so much going on all at once and he's preoccupied not only with the wax, but also with what Gintoki's other hand is doing. He can't keep track of both very well and a soft whine gets forced out of him as slow, methodical singular drops of wax follow along his collarbones. Fingers brush the shaft of his dick and his hips buck, completely out of his control. This has escalated really fast for him, his blood is hot and roaring. The drops of wax reaches the middle of his collarbones and Gintoki makes a small circle there along the rim of the indent. Hijikata leans his head back and it feels so wrong, yet so right, to be baring his throat like this.

“You're so receptive,” Gintoki muses, making a line of wax drops along Hijikata's other collarbone. His body twitches at each drop and he knows he might be making too much noise, but even the sounds he's trying to keep down can't be stopped. “I wouldn't have expected that from such a cranky man.”

His stomach is concave from pulling in and holding his breath and it doesn't help when two of Gintoki's fingers breach him just as wax hits the center of his chest. He really, really hadn't seen that coming, he'd been too focused on the wax near his neck that he'd completely forgotten about Gintoki's other hand. His arms slam down, making a loud noise against the headboard, but they both know it's from pleasure, not pain. Gintoki's hips are tilted back to make room for his hand and the sting is sharp enough to make Hijikata's eyes water.

“F-fucking – hnng –”

Gintoki smirks and scissors his fingers. “I'd ask if you're okay, but your dick just went from pink to red and I'm really thinking of investing in that cock ring.”

“A-asshole, you – _ahnn –_ ”

Hijikata literally can't get a word out without moaning, this time because wax gets upturned over his side. The skin there is sensitive and he makes such a ragged sound as a wet sheen making itself known on his forehead. It doesn't surprise him that he's sweating, the whole thing makes him so anxious and excited, he's sure his hair will be plastered to his skin soon.

His breath catches as Gintoki pulls his fingers out and he puts the candle down on the nightstand. Hijikata hadn't noticed the roll up duck tape before, but it's impossible to ignore when Gintoki picks it up and tears off some of it. The thick piece of tape gets put over Hijikata's mouth and he has to pant through his nose – he hadn't realized how hard he was panting. Two fingers go right back to stretching him and the burn makes his eyes roll beneath his lids. It's a lot to process all at once and Gintoki isn't backing off in any area, he's only layering on more.

A full sweat breaks out on Hijikata's body and his cock throbs the moment the second candle gets picked up. It has had longer to sit, so there's more melted wax in it than the first one. The wax that has dried on his body is a kind of weight on its own and it really gets hard to breathe with the tape over his mouth. His arms pull against the cuffs, which are digging into his skin, but the pain is relative and helps keep his brain on track. The alcohol is fleeting and the haze it left from earlier is weakened. Each ripple of pained pleasure turns everything into such a fine point of clarity, but still leaves him in a good place.

“I think I like you like this,” Gintoki says in a voice Hijikata doesn't at all recognize. It's soft, velvety, so unlike his usual annoying, loud, obnoxious way of speaking. “Wonder how nice your reactions will be if I go a little lower....”

Gintoki pours wax in a slow and steady line down the center of Hijikata's abs and his whole body quakes. He makes loud sounds behind the tape and it feels like every nerve in his body is alive from the stimulation. His hips drive back on Gintoki's fingers and his arms slam so hard against the cuffs that the entire headboard rattles. He can't get enough oxygen, it doesn't feel like he can, and that makes him lightheaded. Lower and lower and lower Gintoki pours the wax, keeping his pace slow and slower the closer he gets to Hijikata's cock. He stops right at Hijikata's bellybutton and by then his whole body is trembling, his legs shaking, toes curling, he knows he's literally a mess.

Hijikata's moaning along with tiny little whimpers as Gintoki raises the candle over him again. He stares down at his chest, waiting, and a huge groan tears out of him when hot wax hits his left hip bone. His back arches up off the bed and his head thrashes, sweat dripping down his face. He has lost his goddamn mind to this already and it's so frustrating that Gintoki keeps bringing him up and up, but pulls back just enough to keep him just on the edge. His cock is throbbing on his lower stomach, suspense has him shaking, pulling against the cuffs does no good, but it doesn't stop him from yanking and struggling.

Gintoki never stops watching him and his fingers know where to fucking touch because they're skirting right around the one spot Hijikata desperately wants him to hit. His chest is on fire and his whole body is heaving, he wants more, meanwhile, his mind is telling him to panic for being cornered and trapped. It's such a high, he doesn't think he has ever been thrust this high up with someone – no, he knows he hasn't. His breath gets caught in his throat and a huge shudder courses through him from top to bottom seeing Gintoki reach over to exchange candles.

He briefly closes his eyes to regain himself a little, but it doesn't help. A wet sheen has formed over his eyes, so when he opens them again he has to blink several times to clear them. The flame is always blurred and he's aware that his whole body is shaking, but closing his legs doesn't do anything since they're propped over Gintoki's hips. He's helpless and his body is thrumming with aches, yet the only thing, the only _actual_ thought he can somewhat grasp, is something along the lines of: _More, more, more, fuck, more, please, more –_

Gintoki's fingers massage inside of him, but he doesn't add a third. Hijikata's sure he knows why – he'd only slicked up two of Gintoki's fingers and those are the ones he's using. The burn is still there, but he has been stretched enough that the pleasure is greater than the pain. Like this, he can forget everything and just give himself up to feeling, he's in such a high place that nothing can get to him right now.

“Mm... you're so close and leakin' everywhere.” Gintoki's hair is disheveled and there's a drop of sweat sliding down from his right temple. His bottom lip is plump from biting on it and the fire casts a golden color onto his fair skin. “Your ass won't stop twitchin'.”

Wax falls above his bellybutton and his body jumps as he yells behind the tape. It hurts, every inch of his skin is sensitive now and Gintoki's going _lower_. Hijikata's toes are clenched so hard they ache and his hips barrel back on Gintoki's fingers. He can't get away, he can't get enough, the wax is following his happy trail with excruciating slowness. Every muscle is taut, he wants to close his eyes, he can't look away, it's the best kind of torture.

Suddenly, just before the wax reaches his dick, Gintoki's fingers curl and press right on Hijikata's prostate. It sends such a strong rush of pleasure through him that his eyes slam shut and couple that with the apprehension of where the wax is going to hit, it throws him over the edge. His back arches clear off the bed and he cries out loudly into the tape as he cums harder than he's sure he ever has. It only gets worse – or better – when a hand wraps around his dick and literally milks him for all he has. His arms pull against the cuffs and he feels raw, every part of him feels so raw and exposed. He can't stop shaking, he can't get a fucking grip, everything is just too full and too disoriented.

It's honestly like he loses a blip of time here.

He doesn't remember settling back down on the bed and he can't recall when Gintoki removed his fingers. The blip just happens and as he loosely collects himself, he's once more on his back, but still shaking and shaking hard. He hates to use the word trembling, but that's what he's doing, there's really no way around it. Everything is hot, he's aware of where the wax is on his body, he can only process little things, small tidbits of information.

When he feels like he can, Hijikata peers through his lashes and groans, however faintly. Gintoki's face is flushed along his cheeks and his mouth is open, his lips spit slick. He's stroking his own cock slowly, the tip slick and wet. He must have cum right around the same time Hijikata had because he hadn't felt any of it hit his stomach or chest. Yet, looking down, it's all there, wax and cum covering his chest and stomach. His skin is red and like Gintoki had said, marked.

It's less than a minute later that Gintoki comes back into himself and reaches up to the tape. He carefully removes it and Hijikata gasps his first breath, closing his eyes now that he's able to actually breathe. Gintoki's hands come down next and the touches are so gentle that Hijikata barely feels them even with his raw skin. Gintoki inspects both of his wrists and Hijikata would shoo him away, but he feels like a wet noodle incapable of much of anything. His body is still singing and his chest stings, but he's caught so firmly in the place between pleasure and pain that he's comfortably lethargic.

Hijikata doesn't like giving Gintoki credit for things, but he's a great partner for this stuff.

BDSM is a difficult thing to try and figure out with someone. Not only does there need to be a lot of trust, but there's so much trial and error that goes into it as well. Figuring out what works and what doesn't, how much is too much, all that, it's difficult. But everything Gintoki just did – Hijikata hasn't a single complaint. Gintoki's an attentive top and Hijikata doesn't feel defensive or embarrassed, not even having his legs still around Gintoki's waist is a problem for him.

“Too much?” Hijikata shakes his head and feels Gintoki's hands run up and down his thighs. “You sure? Your legs are still shaking.”

Hijikata rubs a hand over his face. “Yeah, just gimme a minute.”

Gintoki keeps running his hands along Hijikata's thighs a few more times, which feels good, then he starts pulling off globs of wax. Now, that hurts. The wax is like an adhesive to his skin, so when Gintoki peels it off, however carefully, it still pulls too much at skin that's overly sensitive at the moment.

“Leave it, I'll just take a shower.”

“You don't want this stuff going down the drain, it'll clog your pipes.”

Hijikata grumbles, but he lets Gintoki keep gently pulling the wax off. He's sated and he doesn't want to move, but more than that, he doesn't want to keep laying spread eagle in Gintoki's lap. He slowly sits up and Gintoki puts a hand on his hip, his thumb brushing the bone. Wax breaks off and falls, but together they're able to push a majority of it to the sides onto Hijikata's now totally ruined shirt.

“Did you wanna shower?”

Gintoki leans over and blows both candles out. “If I can, yeah.'

“You can go first.”

“We could always save water and shower together.”

Hijikata glares at Gintoki's cheeky little grin. “No.”

“Maybe next time, then.”

Gintoki shuffles backward off the bed and stands, pulling his pants up so they're not hanging so dangerously close to falling off his hips.

“The clean towels are beneath the sink.”

“Thanks!” He pauses in the middle of the doorway and reaches up to grab onto the top of the frame, putting himself on display. “You sure you don't wanna join?”

“ _Go_.”

Gintoki laughs and when he's gone, Hijikata lets out a breath and starts cleaning up. He's glad he gets this small bit of time to himself to sort of get used to his aches. It has been a long time since he has indulged in something like this and all his partners before had been terrible. Hijikata never allowed them to use something as potentially dangerous as wax or fire, but Gintoki's a complete fucking natural at this. The guy's a sadist, without a doubt, and if Hijikata gave him the okay, he'd probably let loose a whole different side of himself.

But that's the thing, he'd only do it if Hijikata gave permission.

That's such a huge thing to Hijikata – knowing that if he tells Gintoki to stop, he will.

It's kind of disconcerting how in tune with Hijikata's body language Gintoki is, but Hijikata isn't going to question something that works. This had been a good experience and also a good starting point to go off of for future ventures, should there be any. He knows Gintoki had kept things light on purpose and to think that they could build on this....

Hijikata gets as much wax as he can see onto the shirt and rolls it up so he can throw it away. Just to be on the safe side, he grabs his mini-duster from his closet and vacuums the bed to get any leftovers. Once he's sure the bed is clean and the nightstand is pushed back into place, he gets his robe because he has every intention of sleeping in it. He doesn't even care, his body feels good, heavy, and he's ready to lounge around in something comfortable until bed.

“Done!” Gintoki calls just before he walks back into the room with soaking wet hair and a towel around his waist. “Your water pressure sucks.”

“There's nothing wrong with my water pressure.”

“Except that it's pretty much nonexistent.”

“So don't shower here anymore.”

Gintoki scoffs with a half-smile, “I said it sucks, not that I wouldn't shower in it.”

“Whatever, just don't break anything while I'm taking my turn.”

“No promises,” Gintoki says after him.

Hijikata gets to the bathroom and the first thing he does is open his robe to check out his body. His chest is red all over and puffy in areas that had gotten particularly burned, but none of it looks too bad. Every inch of him is sore, so he's carefully setting the water temperature and makes it slightly cooler than what he usually has it as. He washes quickly, he doesn't want to leave Gintoki alone too long, and takes extra care to remove any wax that might still be sticking to his body. When he's done, he gets out and dries off before donning his soft robe. Since none of his burns need special treatment or attention, he only brushes out his hair and tidies up the bathroom.

He feels even better after a shower and he's ready to top things off with a triple threat of: food, booze, and cigarettes. Going into the kitchen, he's pleased to find the pizza and breadsticks heating up in the oven and just because of that, he makes Gintoki a drink alongside his own. It's just a simple scotch on the rocks with a lemon twist and he doesn't care if Gintoki won't like it, then it'll just mean Hijikata will get two.

Hijikata enters his room and his brows shoot up. “Where the hell did you find that thing?”

“Bottom shelf below your desk,” Gintoki replies, reaching for and taking his drink. “What year is this for you?”

“Mm....” Hijikata hits Gintoki's legs so he'll move them and takes a seat facing him on the window seat. He wants to tell Gintoki to put a shirt on or something since he's only in his boxers, but that would just open it up for Gintoki to raid his closet. “Woulda been year twelve.”

Gintoki flips through the pages to the right section and takes a sip of his beverage. “You make good drinks. Ever think of becoming a bartender?”

“No. I like my job.”

“Yeah, like it so much you're a pencil pusher.”

“I didn't ask for your opinion.”

“Didn't tell me you didn't want it, either.”

Hijikata rolls his eyes and lights a cigarette, it had been a mistake telling Gintoki anything about his work. “I'll be sure t'be more specific from now on.”

Gintoki sends him a flat look over the top of the book and comes to a stop on a certain page. He slowly flips through a couple more times, then his eyes go wide and Hijikata sighs in resignation.

“You... oh my god.”

“C'mon, get it outta your system.”

“Your hair! Ha! I can't believe this! You had long hair! I never would have seen that coming and goddamn, you pull it off! Why the hell did you cut it?”

Hijikata expels the smoke from his drag and he can't deny that he's preening just the tiniest bit. “Chopped it off after I joined the police academy. I'd been gettin' tired of the upkeep by then.”

“Amazing,” Gintoki marvels, grinning from ear to ear. “You coulda smiled for the picture though.”

“I never smiled for any of'em.”

“Aw, that's a shame! You ever going to grow it back out?”

“Never.”

“You sure? It probably wouldn't get in the way since you're sitting at a desk all day.”

Hijikata frowns and exhales, blowing it right toward Gintoki's face. “Would you quit already? I know I work at a desk, thanks, and I don't mind it, so drop it.”

Gintoki sets the book down in his lap and holds up his hand. “Yeah, my bad.”

“Asshole,” Hijikata mumbles and flips him off around his glass.

“It really is a good picture though.”

“You don't have to flatter me, m'not gonna kick you out.”

“No, I'm serious! I like it! You pull long hair off better than Zura does.”

“Not sure if that's actually a compliment....”

“It is!” Gintoki takes a swig of his drink. “He makes a really pretty woman.”

“Do I even wanna know where that came from?”

Gintoki's smiling and tangles their legs together. “We've cross-dressed before. Don't give me that look! I'm a gorgeous woman and it was really fun!”

“You're...” Hijikata trails off, not even sure how to finish that. Gintoki's looking at him expectantly, so he shrugs with a lame, “full of surprises.”

The buzzer on the oven dings.

“Pizza!” Gintoki hails and hops up from the seat, leaving the yearbook behind. “Wanna eat out there or is it okay to bring it in here?”

“In here, but just for tonight.”

Gintoki prances on the balls of his feet moving backward toward the door so he's facing Hijikata still. “In bed?”

“Just... this once.” Gintoki squeals and dashes form the room and Hijikata yells after him, “I don't abide crumbs in my bed! Bring plates and napkins!”

He hears Gintoki drop something plastic in the kitchen and Hijikata face palms. He then gets up from the seat and shuffles over to the bed, his lower back aching, but not as much as it does when Gintoki's cock is fucking him instead of his fingers. Cussing softly, he doubles back and grabs both of their drinks, then crawls into bed with a moan. Gintoki returns with the pizza back in the box and he really looks so stupid being in his dumb strawberry pink boxers. He sets the pizza box in the middle of the bed and on top of the box are plates, plenty of paper towels, and the thing of breadsticks. 

“Did you happen to grab any mayo?”

Gintoki hops on the bed on his knees and puts his hands behind his head, posing dramatically. “It might've crossed my mind....”

“Oh, for fuck's sake, moron!”

Hijikata grabs the mayonnaise bottle sticking out of Gintoki's boxers just above where his dick is and smacks the bastard's stomach. He ignores Gintoki's scream and ravenously falls on the food, not giving a shit about crumbs as he rips off his first cheesy piece. Half looks like supreme and the half Hijikata grabs from has white sauce and chicken on it. There's a long string of cheese that comes off with his piece and after he tears it with his fingers, he shoves a huge bite into his mouth. The sound that gargles in his throat is unholy and sinful, the pizza is so goddamn good that he closes his eyes to savor it better.

“Are you eating or having a second orgasm over there?”

“Shut up,” Hijikata says through a full mouth.

He adds a layer of mayonnaise to the rest of the slice and after he eats that, he really does wonder if he's having a second orgasm. The crust is thick, the pizza is greasy and smothered in cheese, and the mayonnaise makes it a delicacy. He knows he shouldn't eat like this just before bed, but he really doesn't care about anything right now except getting himself another slice. This time he grabs the supreme and as he puts mayonnaise on it, he squints at it.

“No mushrooms?”

“Nope.”

“Good.”

“No black olives, either.”

Hijikata freezes mid-bite and asks through the side of his mouth, “Wha'da fuck's wrong wit'ya?”

“Nothing,” Gintoki replies and pointedly takes a bite of his own slice of supreme, “olives are gross.”

“Olives are delicious, you loathsome ingrate.”

“Did you seriously just lick your whole thumb off?”

“Yes. If I gain any weight I'm blamin' you.”

Gintoki snorts and pushes a breadstick Hijikata's way. “Good thing I know a fun way to burn off all these calories.”

Hijikata pauses eating to take a drink, then gorges himself on half of a breadstick dipped in mayonnaise, ignoring the moron completely. He hums as he chews, sure that he'll reek of garlic tomorrow, but once again, that's something he doesn't care about right now. Another thing Hijikata has to give Gintoki credit for is that he never tries to kiss Hijikata when they're not having sex. He touches sometimes, but it's not anything intimate and in the bed when they sleep he keeps some distance between them. He appreciates that and it's further affirmation that Gintoki is on the same page as him in their casual fuck buddy pastime.

“Which one do you like better?”

“Shh, no questions yet.”

Gintoki laughs around his slice of pizza, then makes a distressed sound because a string of cheese won't break and only gets longer and longer the farther away he pulls it from his face. Hijikata rolls his eyes and reaches over to the break the string for him. When it breaks, one half falls back on Gintoki's chin and the other half Hijikata piles on one of the slices left in the box. He goes back to stuffing his face and gets grease everywhere, but he literally can't be bothered with it. They keep eating, Hijikata finishes off his mayonnaise, and by the time they're done, there's only a couple breadsticks left and maybe a few crumbs of the pizza.

“Both,” Hijikata says, finishing his drink with one last pull. “Both were good.”

“Obviously,” Gintoki replies, nudging the empty box with his toes. He falls onto his back with a huge sigh and rubs his stomach, it must be habit for him to sleep in only his boxers. “I feel like I'm going to pop.”

Hijikata lowers himself onto his back as well. “You and me both.”

“You're a messy eater.”

“I don't see you complainin'.”

“I've got nothing to complain about, I'm too full. What about the trash?”

“Put it on the floor, we'll throw it out tomorrow.”

“Thank god.”

Gintoki collects everything onto the box and puts it on the floor next to the bed for them. Hijikata gets under the covers and his body aches, but he feels wholly sated.

“This is disgustin', but I don't even wanna get up to brush my teeth.”

“I have no toothbrush here, so let's just be disgusting together.”

“Ugh....” His head is pleasantly fogged from all the alcohol and that could very well be why he doesn't hurt as much as he probably should. “Sleep.”

Gintoki hums, but it's a slurred noise like he's already out of it and the bastard better be leaving in the morning – that's the last real thought Hijikata has.

**To Be Continued**

 


	6. Yakety Yak Don't Talk Smack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gintoki has been spending his time wracking his brain to figure out how to fix a wrong he helped make, his tentative solution, he hopes, will do some good.

 The moment Hijikata wakes up, his heart sinks because the other side of the bed still feels heavy, meaning Gintoki is still here. He feels a cold air on his face and he's suddenly pissed off because the window got left open and he's pretty sure he has had the heat on the whole night. This is going to cost him a small fortune and he's a dumbass for letting it happen. Gintoki had saved him from this disaster once, but it seems that not only can he not do the favor again, he can't be gone before Hijikata wakes up.

Goddamn this natural perm.

“Mm... oi, asshole, close the window.” Nothing happens, the weight next to him doesn't move. “Goddamn it, fuckin' asshole, close it!”

He kicks the body next to him and his eyes fly open when he hears Sougo laugh and say, “Asshole, huh? I knew there was something you weren't telling me.” Hijikata's heart is pounding and he feels like he's going to be sick. He can't even move, only stare in shocked terror at the wall. “I can't imagine you talking to a woman like that, so what kind of man have you been bringing into your bed?”

 _H-how did you even g-get in here,_ is right on the tip of Hijikata's tongue as he sits up knowing that his face is flushed bright red.

Instead, he catches himself just in time and spits out, “I knew you were here! Who else would I talk to like this? Close my damn window before I lose a ton in my heating bill!”

Sougo is sitting with his back against the headboard and the quickest look of confusion passes over his face. When he gets up to close the window, Hijikata's eyes instinctively flick around the room, finding... no sign of Gintoki. Not even a hint; no shirt, no shoes, not even a fucking permy hair. His heart is still pounding and he feels like he might have just dodged the most lethal bullet ever. Just then, his alarm goes off and he quickly silences it, his mind still frazzled enough to not even remember correctly if Gintoki had stayed the night.

“You knew I was here?”

“No shit.” He yawns and gets out of bed like nothing is amiss. “Make me breakfast while I get ready.” He takes one step out of the room before he's turning back. “No, never mind, what the hell am I thinking? Get out. You'll do somethin' to fuck with my food and I'm in _no mood_.”

With that, he spins on his heel and goes to the bathroom where he closes himself in and freaks out properly. Once again he's playing a game of wondering what Sougo knows and what he doesn't know – the paranoia has reawakened. From the situation he can gather that Sougo probably climbed in through his window – Hijikata doesn't want to know how the fuck he did that – and him sitting on the bed is what woke Hijikata up since he's such a light sleeper.

He actually _thinks_ for a minute and remembers that no, Gintoki hadn't stayed over last night. He hasn't slept over since the night they'd first tried some heavier sex things with the bondage and candles. That was what? Seven nights ago? Eight? He can't quite remember, but he does know that he has only slept with Gintoki once since then and it was just a quicky sixty-nine at Gintoki's incorrigible behest. He'd left shortly after claiming he had somewhere to be and they haven't done anything since then. He hasn't even seen Gintoki through the window, his apartment has been dark for a few days now.

It's then that Hijikata realizes his morning routine has been completely fucked up and he's suddenly anger is driving out the panic. Sougo has messed with his routine and subsequently, he hasn't gotten his morning cigarettes – a crime if there ever was one.

Hijikata goes back into his room to change for work, but he's stopped short seeing Gintoki who looks surprised to see him too. Of all the times for Gintoki to make a random appearance in the window, this is the worst. Only a few minutes sooner and Sougo would have seen and who knows what would have happened then since they sort of know each other by some unlucky and unlikely stroke of unfortunate fate.

“Hi,” Gintoki mouths with a crooked smile and a wave.

Hijikata walks slowly over to the window seat and raises his hand, touching his fingers to the glass in what he considers to be a pretty decent wave. But then he's flipping Gintoki off and slamming the shades closed. How's _that_ for hi? Hopefully that sends the right message of: _I don't want anything to do with you so go away, fucker._ Hijikata smirks as he quickly changes, proud of how clever he is, then heads back out to the kitchen where Sougo is fiddling with a loaf of bread.

“Did you want somethin'?”

“Only to wish you good morning.”

“I should kick you out,” Hijikata grumbles and pours himself some coffee. “M'puttin' locks on those windows, I hope you know.”

Sougo munches on a slice of baked yeast. “That's fine, I'll just find another way in.”

“D'ya know how fucked up that is?” Hijikata's becoming more lively now that his adrenaline rush is wearing off and he's getting some actual caffeine fuel in himself. “If I were a normal person I'd get a restraining order.”

“We're not normal people,” Sougo said with bread stuffed in his cheek.

“No, we really aren't.”

Sougo glances around and looks wholly unimpressed. “Do you ever leave this place?”

“Not if I can help it.”

“You need to get out more.”

“Things are fine as they are.”

“You'll be at your bro's football thing, right?”

“I don't know,” Hijikata throws some bread in the toaster and chugs his coffee, “haven't decided yet.”

“Kondo says there's a friend you might be bringing.”

“He's not a friend and I don't want him there.”

Sougo hums and for once doesn't look like a cunning little shit – however, Hijikata knows looks can be deceiving.

“Kondo says Tamegoro likes him, whoever he is.”

“Seems like Kondo has been saying a lot of stuff lately.”

“He'll probably bring it up to you later since the party is coming up. He's all worried you're too antisocial, he doesn't think it's good for you.”

“I do just fine,” Hijikata replies absently as he readies some mayonnaise to slather on his toast when it's done.

“How many years have you been saying that?”

“Would you just back the fuck off?” Hijikata snarls and sends him a fatal glare.

“Ooo, you raised your voice,” Sougo sounds bored, “so scary. Just don't bite Kondo's head off when he tries to talk to you about it later this week since he's off today.”

Hijikata grips the spreading knife he has in his hand even tighter and grits his teeth. He doesn't want to invite Gintoki to the party, he kind of doesn't even want to go himself, and he gets so tired of people questioning his choices. He likes to be alone, he likes his privacy, he likes his solitude, why does there have to be something wrong with that? So what if he has a routine? Why does everyone else think it's their place to tell him what they think is best for him?

It's so goddamn annoying.

He knows they mean well, but he needs to find a suitable way to say _back the fuck off_. Apparently, what he has been doing to deter them from interfering hasn't been getting through to them. His toast pops and he angrily spreads mayonnaise over it, then shoves the first half into his mouth. He eats fast and becomes a whirlwind of furious rushing when the idea of Gintoki potentially waiting outside the building comes to mind. Within minutes, Hijikata is shoving Sougo out of his apartment and taking him downstairs to head off to the station.

Hijikata lets out a breath of relief to find the sidewalk empty with no sign of a bike or a natural perm. The paranoia is extremely difficult to smother, he can't stop looking around, and he snaps at everything Sougo says. He's fucking pissed, what did he do to deserve this? He wishes he hadn't slept with that permy haired idiot, then none of this would be happening and he wouldn't feel so goddamn uneasy like this, like there's acid in his throat and someone ready to leap out at every turn.

Getting to the station gives him a sense of euphoria because he's safe there and he goes right to making himself comfortable at his desk. It's early enough that there aren't many people there yet and Sougo has already disappeared, possibly to take a nap. He starts organizing the work for the day, what he has so far, anyway, and part of him relaxes. He's craving a cigarette, he'll have to go out the back soon to have one, and he needs more coffee, he'll be going to the break room shortly, but the work part of his routine slows his heartbeat back down to normal.

Fifteen minutes later and Hijikata has a steaming hot cup of coffee – not the best tasting stuff, but it'll do – and a fresh stack of paperwork. He has had two cigarettes, he's refreshed now and ready to take on whatever the day brings him. Five minutes after that and Hijikata gets a call on his cellphone, which he's glad he grabs on reflex or he would have forgotten it earlier. However, when he reads Ian Cognito, he sighs in renewed frustration and flips it open.

“What?”

“ _Come out to lunch with me_.”

“No.”

He's careful to make sure no one is paying any attention to him and of course he's not going to say anything that will give even so much as a hint as to who he's talking to. He doesn't want anyone around the office to think he's seeing someone when he's absolutely not.

“ _It's not a date, I'm just tired of bringing good food for you to try to your place. Don't you think it's about time you put some effort into making your life better with excellent cuisine?_ ”

“You sound like a terrible infomercial.”

“ _You won't know if this infomercial is terrible until you come try the product._ ”

Hijikata snorts and shakes his head as he leans back in his chair. “Where the hell do you come up with this stuff?”

“ _It's all pure genius, you're lucky I don't charge you. But, listen, I've got a proposition._ ”

“This better be good.”

“ _If you come out today and try this place, I'll leave you alone for a whole week._ ”

“...fine.”

“ _Seriously? No, actually don't answer that, you might change your mind. The place is near the station, you might have seen it before. Marzetti?_ ” Hijikata can safely say he has no idea what that is or where that's at. Good thing he doesn't need to admit that as Gintoki continues, “ _It's just a short walk if you turn right and go straight three blocks. Think you can handle that?_ ”

“I'm reluctant, not incapable.”

“ _Yeah, yeah, be there at noon. See ya soon!_ ”

The line goes dead and Hijikata closes his phone with the same kind of sigh as when he'd answered. He's going out for lunch, when in the hell was the last time he went out for lunch? He'll have to be extra careful sneaking out so that no one stops him. He doesn't know yet what to tell his brother so he doesn't raise suspicion, so like usual he'll have to go with a variation of the truth or Tamegoro will be all over it.

Luck is on his side though because Tamegoro finds him first and walks up to his desk with a slight grimace right around eleven.

“Hey, everything alright?”

“Yeah, but I don't think I'll be doing lunch today.”

“Oh. Are you not feeling well?”

“It's nothing serious,” Tamegoro says and comes around to dig through Hijikata's top drawer until he finds the antacids. “Just some indigestion, that's all.”

“Ah, happens to the best of us. Good day for it though, I was going to head out for a bit.”

“Good!” Tamegoro gives him a surprised yet genuine smile. “That's really good to hear. It's pretty nice weather, I hope you enjoy it.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Being with Tamegoro puts him at ease and he's actually able to provide a small smirk as he tells him, “Sougo climbed in through my window this morning.”

“Your _window_?”

“Yeah,” he snorts behind his hand, “the one with the seat.”

“I'd ask why, but I'm not sure anyone knows what goes through his head.” Tamegoro has leaned against Hijikata's desk and scratches slightly at the back of his neck. “I don't know, should I talk to him? That sounds dangerous, I don't want him to hurt himself.”

“I'd say yes if it were any other subordinate. I think Sougo was just bored, not suicidal or anythin' of that sort.”

“Do me a favor?”

“Yeah?”

“Don't tell Kondo.”

That actually makes Hijikata smile the tiniest little barely there thing. “Why not? Why wouldn't you want to have him running around and freaking out, I don't understand. He has a right to know, don't you think?”

“Brat,” Tamegoro says, taking a moment to ruffle Hijikata's hair.

When he leaves after some more small talk, Hijikata lets out a long breath of relief – thank god he hadn't asked what Hijikata is going out for. It's easy to work for forty-five minutes, he has to go after and tear apart a subordinate for making a false arrest, so there's some excitement. By the time he's leaving the building with a cigarette between his lips, he's sure said subordinate is off shitting himself somewhere.

It's a short walk to the restaurant and it's easy to spot, but Gintoki is even easier to pick out. He actually sees Hijikata first and waves him over with a big smile. He has a pair of long jeans and a black, gray, and white t-shirt with a low collar. The design of the shirt is a bit different since it's splotches of black and white with the gray connecting them. It's almost like tie-dye, except that it's clear there's supposed to be some kind of specific design behind it. Meanwhile, Hijikata just has on his usual jeans and a solid dark shirt – it's black today.

“Wipe that grumpy look off your face!” Gintoki says when Hijikata's close enough to hear. “You look like the crypt keeper.”

“I do not.”

“You do too.”

Gintoki leads the way inside and there's a sign that says, _Please seat yourselves_. Gintoki must already know that though because he walks right by it without looking at it and takes Hijikata to a booth that's in the center toward the back, so both sides of the booth are open without a wall blocking them.

“Are you grumpy because I talked you into this?”

Hijikata sits in the booth across from Gintoki. “Partially.”

“People get food together all the time, you know.”

“I know. Have I told you that you're buyin'?”

Gintoki snorts. “Didn't need to, I'd already assumed.”

“Good. M'only here for a free meal.”

“But of course,” Gintoki says and it's all sarcasm, “why else would you be here but for some free food?”

“No idea.”

He glances around and he's glad to find that the place is very clean. Not all restaurants are, but this one appears very well looked after. There aren't any holes in the tastefully cream colored booths and they might even be new because there's no signs of wear on the cushions.

“Does it pass your inspection?” Gintoki asks flatly.

“It'll do.”

“I'm so glad.”

“Sougo was in my room this morning,” says Hijikata out of nowhere and he doesn't know why he's bringing it up.

Gintoki's mouth works, but then he tips his head in confusion, asking, “How did he get in there?”

“Apparently I need locks for my windows now.”

“Ha! I know it's not funny,” he's still laughing softly, “but you gotta admit that that takes talent!”

“Shut up. I think he crawled up the fire escape a few feet over.”

“Still! _Still!_ That's kinda amazing!”

“Is not!”

“Is so! I knew I liked that kid!”

Hijikata kicks Gintoki's shin. “He left the window open and I thought it was _you_ when I kicked him to close it.”

That sobers Gintoki up. “So does that mean he found out?”

“No, it just barely worked out that he thinks I knew it was him.”

“Huh, that's good, I guess. I still haven't seen him at all, how's he doing?”

Hijikata scowls as he replies, “He's fine. And about as intrusive and annoying as ever. He hasn't been doing his job and I haven't caught him in the act yet, but I _know_ he's the one that has been sticking his nasty chewed up gum to the bottom of my desk.”

“If you weren't at a desk that wouldn't be a problem.”

“Didn't ask you a goddamn thing.”

Gintoki snorts. “Don't suppose I could get you a drink to chill you out, right?”

“I can't be tipsy on the job, I might as well just fire myself.”

Their waiter stops by to drop off menus with a basket of breads and asks what they'd like to drink. While Hijikata usually always gets water when he can't get beer, this time he goes for a coke. He doesn't typically enjoy pops, there's too much unnecessary sugar, but he's craving something with caffeine and doesn't want anything hot like coffee. He doesn't know why he's being so picky, it's like his scare this morning with Sougo still has him totally out of sorts. That's just further proof that when his routines are broken, it means bad luck and a bad day.

“You wanna go out for a smoke?”

“I could always go for one of those, why do you ask?”

“Well, you've shredded your napkin to bits and I don't want mine to be next.”

“Oh....” He stares down at the mound of torn up paper, he hadn't realized he was doing it. “T-that's nothin'. This mornin' just sucked.”

“Got ya. Hopefully some good food will turn that around.”

“You talk about food a lot.” Hijikata thinks about it and adds, “Every time I see you, pretty much.”

“I like food.”

“Obviously.”

“And I like sharing my culinary experiences with people.”

“Ah.”

“You gonna look at your menu or just let it sit there?”

Hijikata kicks him under the table. “I'll look at it when I feel like it.”

“Just don't shred it too,” Gintoki teases and Hijikata kicks him again.

The silence is easy, the talking is as well, and Hijikata can't bring himself to look at the menu just yet. He's still taking in the restaurant and he remembers the last time he'd tried a new place. His brother had dragged him out about six months ago and it was on reflex that he'd asked Kondo to join. He can't for the life of him remember the name of the place, but it had been clean, though, a fair bit nicer than this place. The food, he recalls, had been okay, but just okay and nothing special. He'd had a pasta dish with white sauce, some fancy named thing, and it'd been a little bland. The quality of the food hadn't matched the exterior of the restaurant and that's why he doesn't like trying new places. Money had been wasted on him, on food he hadn't enjoyed very much, and he still wishes his brother had let him pay for himself.

He hasn't really eaten out since then, not new places, anyway. Every once in awhile he'll go out with Kondo for drinks and a quick dinner, but they always go to the same select few establishments where he can get the same things, things he knows he likes. There's the bar Hijikata goes to sometimes as well, but overall, his world is very small. He likes it that way, prefers it, even, so there's nothing to complain about. He's rightfully skeptical about this place, he doesn't trust it or its cleanliness.

“Oi, Gintoki! Scoot over!”

Gintoki freezes up and Hijikata's stomach sinks in dread as a group of three comes up to their table. Right away, Hijikata's up and shoving in next to Gintoki because if there's going to be more people joining them, he doesn't want to get stuck between two strangers. He wants to head for the door instead, but something about Tamegoro teaching him about manners keeps him at the table. He doesn't even remember anything specific, just something random from his childhood that's not a memory, it's more like something engrained into him.

The three come right over and make themselves comfortable with one at the end of the table and the other two across from himself and Gintoki. His mound of shredded napkin gets eyed, then pushed aside and he doesn't know why, but that makes him blush. On a completely belated note, the guy with long hair has a duck.

An actual duck.

With feathers.

“What... are you guys doing here?” Gintoki asks.

“Saw you walk in,” the one with brown curly hair says. “Took it upon myself to grab these two and join you.”

Curly hair and long hair are in the booth across from them and messy hair has pulled up a chair from a nearby table to sit at the end.

“I'm kind of hurt you didn't invite us,” long hair says – the one at the end of the table remains silent, Hijikata doesn't even want to look at him.

“I didn't know any of you would be around today.” He looks at curly hair. “I thought you'd be in a different part of the world.”

“Nope! Got rerouted for tomorrow morning instead!”

Gintoki looks like he wants to say something serious, but then in a blink his expression changes and he smiles apologetically at Hijikata.

“Alright, sorry about this, but intro! So, Hijikata, the nasty one there is Takasugi. I recommend keeping your distance, he's pretty foul most of the time. He's a judgmental bitch, too, and pretty much thinks the worst of everyone, so you can ignore him.” Takasugi glares at Gintoki, but then gives Hijikata a most perfunctory nod. “Zura is –”

“It's Katsura!”

“Yeah, yeah, hush!” Gintoki reaches across to smack at the guy with long hair held up in a ponytail. “He's okay most of the time, but I wouldn't recommend karaoke with him, he gets a little too into it. And this fine gentleman is Sakamoto. He's the one that has my spare key, which maybe isn't the best idea since he's a pilot. Guys, this is Hijikata. He lives in the apartment building across from mine, the one with all the shrubs by the front.”

“Nice to meet you! We're a decent bunch,” Sakamoto says and the laugh he lets out right after is loud and dangerously obnoxious. “Most of the time, that is!”

“Get us some menus,” Katsura demands as he all but pushes Takasugi out of his seat. “We came here to eat, not people watch.”

“Do we even needs menus?”

“I want one today.”

“There's one on the table.”

“Just go get us a couple more!”

It's then, while the other three converse and get menus, that Gintoki leans over to say in a hushed tone, “I'm really sorry, I had no idea they'd be coming.”

“It's not okay,” Hijikata says back and some of the venom from his anger has leaked into his voice.

“Want me to make something up to get us outta here?”

Hijikata mulls that over, but eventually shakes his head. “I think it's fine for now. I-It'd be obvious if we left right away.”

“You remember our safety word?”

He jolts. “W-what?”

“Our safety word,” Gintoki says again, his tone so low Hijikata's sure no one else can hear them.

“Yeah?” Hijikata's eyes are bulging. “What the h-hell does that have to do with anythin'?”

“Well, if you change your mind and want out, just say the word and I'll excuse us, okay?”

“I...” Hijikata starts, but doesn't finish.

It's a little embarrassing, but like with bondage, knowing he has a way out if he needs it actually does help. He's still mad and still wants to clock Gintoki right in his stupid face, but the room doesn't feel so small anymore. He breathes easier and nods to Gintoki, his stomach deciding now is a good time to do an uncomfortable somersault.

After a few moments, Hijikata leans over again to ask once more behind his hand, “Why does he have a duck?”

“God, how rude of me! Forgot to introduce that one, that's Elizabeth.”

“I wanna smack you, answer the damn question. Why does he have a duck?”

“No one really knows where he got it to be honest with you, just treat her as you would a dog.”

“But it's a _duck_.”

“I'm aware,” Gintoki has a hand up as well as he whispers back. “Believe it or not I _can_ differentiate between animals.”

“Don't be such a smartass, bastard, they serve duck here.”

“Are you kidding me? A chef isn't going to walk here and take someone's pet to cook it, that's ridiculous!”

“So is having a duck for a pet.”

“There are far more ridiculous things than that.”

“And what are you two whispering about so intensely?” Katsura asks, his ponytail over his right shoulder for his fingers to idly run through the dark strands.

He has very soft and deep brown eyes, but Hijikata isn't sure he's comfortable with the perceptiveness and intelligence in that gaze. He feels too bare with Katsura watching and it worries him to think Katsura might take something the wrong way or see something and interpret it incorrectly. Something as simple as whispering to Gintoki now feels wrong knowing there's someone like Katsura keeping tabs on things.

“Nothing,” Gintoki replies, “just explaining the duck.”

“Ah, Elizabeth! She's cute, isn't she?” Katsura tears off a little piece of bread and feeds it to her. “She goes everywhere with me.”

“How... nice,” Hijikata says and he's honestly doing his best to sound pleasant and not so skeptical.

“You know what you want?” Gintoki asks, his menu raised as he looks at it.

“No.”

“You're probably the only one that doesn't at this point.”

“What're you getting?”

“Same thing I usually get.”

Hijikata sends him an exasperated look. “Which is?”

“Steak stir fry.”

“If you know what you want, why are you still looking at the menu?”

“Because I tend to change my mind last second.”

“Well I can't choose what I want without a menu.”

Gintoki hands his over without complaint and immediately falls into the conversation with the other three like he'd been a part of it the whole time. Looking at the menu gives Hijikata an excuse to hide behind it and catch his breath. He zones out perusing and thinks most of the pictures look good, but from experience he knows they're typically misleading. He doesn't know what he's in the mood for and he's in no rush to relinquish the menu since it's both his cover and his excuse not to take part in the chatter.

Hijikata takes his sweet time weighing the pros and cons of each dish that looks good to him. There's quite a few he thinks he'll like, but deciding isn't coming easy to him. He's procrastinating too much to be able to come to a definitive decision quickly. He knows he can't take forever though, so chooses the one he thinks has the most pros for him. He sets his menu down and his worst fears are realized when that draws unwanted attention to him.

“Decided?” Gintoki asks.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Good! We'll flag someone down since you're on a time limit.”

In the time Hijikata had been looking at the menu, his drink arrived and he grabs for it to have something to hold. The cold feels good against his fingers and his first sip tells him that he's going to crash in the afternoon from the sugar, but he can't care right now. He'll drink a dozen of these stupid things if it'll get him through the meal.

“So, what do you think?” Sakamoto asks him suddenly while making a grandeur gesture to the three of them with his arm.

What the hell is Hijikata supposed to say to that?

“Ah... that you're v-very close?”

Takasugi puts an arm around Katsura's shoulders and leans into him. “Maybe we're closer than you think.”

“Would you quit?” Gintoki chastises and says to Hijikata, “Zura is dating the woman who owns this place, don't listen to that asshole. That's also why Elizabeth is particularly safe here and also allowed anytime.”

What had the safety word been again? Because Hijikata's getting closer and closer fucking losing it! He'd known this would be a bad idea! It's a trap! They're all here to make him as uncomfortable as possible, he knows it! Maybe they're closer than he thinks, well, shit, maybe they are, he doesn't know!

“Pretty sure you're still after that pop culture sensation, the red head with the wicked pipes,” Gintoki adds to Takasugi.

“As if he has a chance,” Sakamoto mutters and Katsura high-fives him.

It's the interaction of people that have known each other for a long time. They're so familiar with each other, the type of closeness that incites reaching out and touching and laughing and teasing. Gintoki is at ease, so relaxed and laughing so readily, not to mention loudly. They're like a bunch of children and once Hijikata imagines them as a gaggle of kids with a strange pet, they sort of don't seem so intimidating. Not that Hijikata had been intimidated by them or anything, he's just able to relax a bit better now.

At the same time, Hijikata really can't feel more out of place. He's so awkward and his palms are sweating, he's again tempted to say the safety word. He's amongst a bunch of rambunctious children and... well, god, perfect example – Sakamoto is just sitting there blowing bubbles into his drink through the straw while Katsura tells him something that involves using a hand as some kind of puppet. What even...?

Takasugi is watching him and on reflex, Hijikata glares at him. He's a little surprised when Takasugi glares back; it's not super daunting, but it's enough to set off a negative vibe between them. Or had there already been a negative vibe except Hijikata is only noticing it now? He reaches for a piece of bread to have another thing to hold, but when he gets himself to try it, he finds it really soft and tasty.

“I wasn't kidding when I said to not mind him,” Gintoki mutters. “He always gets like this whenever any of us introduce someone new. It's like he doesn't want anything to ever change. He's a really good guy though, I promise.”

Hijikata opens his mouth to reply, but grunts when he feels something tugging on his pant leg. He looks down and there's the duck pecking at him and looking up expectantly with its tiny eyes that almost look like marking flecks rather. Its eyes are black and beady while its beak, in contrast, is the brightest and cleanest yellow. It's all offset by stark white feathers and a pair of vibrant orange webbed feet... it's definitely a very odd pet to have. However, considering the group and the man in question, maybe it's not so strange after all.

“Uhh....”

He drops part of his bread and watches it get pecked at and gobbled up. The duck, at least, doesn't seem so bad. In fact, it sort of feels like the duck is the most normal out of the group. How laughable is that? Not that Hijikata laughs, though, he never does that.

“Right,” Sakamoto's voice gets Hijikata's attention, “so how did you two get to be friends?”

“Oh, we're not friends,” Hijikata corrects absently.

The whole atmosphere changes and Hijikata can physically feel the shift, it's what gets his attention – that's how potent it is. Sakamoto looks so confused as he tips his head, Katsura is staring with this odd frown, and Takasugi is glaring even more, his green eyes so narrowed his pupils are pinpoint.

“Then why are you here?” Takasugi asks with an underlined hiss in his voice.

It's so awkward, this is the most awkward thing ever – even the fucking duck is staring! He glances down at it just to be sure and yes, yes it is, even the fucking duck is staring at him. Hijikata can't speak, his throat has collapsed and his voice has abandoned him, this is too much attention.

Gintoki tries a lighthearted, “C'mon, guys, cut it out.”

He gets ignored.

“So...” Sakamoto really looks like he has been presented with the most complex puzzle, “you're really not friends... just neighbors?”

Hijikata swallows. “Yeah.”

“Oh, good,” Takasugi says, voice icy, “then you can go.”

“Please, stop,” Gintoki says. “Make yourself useful and get us the waiter, he hasn't come back yet.”

Takasugi glares, but slowly gets up and wanders off. Even after he's gone, it still feels like all the hairs on Hijikata's body are standing on end. The room is small again and if his palms were sweaty before, they're basically drenched now. He's also growing very quickly to hate those stupid intelligent chocolate eyes he can _feel_ judging at him.

“You haven't said what you decided on,” Gintoki says to him with a small encouraging smile.

“A-ah... the collection thing.”

“Nice, I think you'll like everything.”

“No way! That's what I had the first time I came here!” Sakamoto pretty much yells and Hijikata's glad he was able to fight back his wince.

When Takasugi comes back with the waiter, everyone is quick to order. Gintoki, Hijikata notices, doesn't get the stir fry, but orders some kind of seafood wrap. Hijikata orders his and is glad he can get a new drink – he doesn't recall finishing his, but he wants another one as soon as possible. The other three talk and Hijikata is more than willing to sit in silence and just listen. He notices some things while he waits for food, things that he should have noticed sooner, like what the three of them are wearing.

Sakamoto, for whatever reason, has on a pair of small sunglasses and he has yet to take them off. He's wearing a burgundy collared shirt that has some buttons along his chest and he has on a light pair of jeans. They're all wearing jeans, actually, and it's clear that Katsura is the one with the most fashion sense. He has on a couple leather bracelets on his right wrist and a simple leather necklace to match. There's something in his hair as well, it looks like something attached to his hair tie that lets some kind of strand fall back and mix into his ponytail. His shirt is a nicely fitted light green v-neck with faint white stripes and it looks like it's made of material way out of Hijikata's price range.

Takasugi is... hard to place. He wears a chained necklace, the pendant, if there is one, isn't visible since it's underneath his shirt collar. He has on a black t-shirt with some symbol on it – possibly from the band he likes that was mentioned – and he has a long sleeve navy blue button up over it, the front open to show off the shirt. The button up is cuffed at the ends of the sleeves and the darker colors make is oddly green eyes stand out and look even more poisonous.

He's so plain compared to them all and after that thought passes through him, Hijikata finds himself counting things. He doesn't participate much in the conversation, they're all too wrapped up talking to each other to pay him much attention. He's honestly glad for that, so he spends his time counting things to keep himself calm. First, he counts his heartbeats. Second, the number of people in the restaurant. Third, how many lights there are. Fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, so on and so forth until the food arrives.

His dish is just like the name for it, the collection is a conglomeration of food from tiny mini-wraps to french fries to mac-n-cheese. The others have already taken to cutting off bits of their food to shove onto each other's plates while stealing pieces for themselves. Sakamoto even feeds Katsura something off his fork while they joke about something. Half of Gintoki's wrap has been decimated by two forks and one set of teeth – a hefty bite courtesy of Takasugi. Gintoki offered to cut Hijikata off a piece, but he'd shaken his head and quietly eaten at his platter.

He's fifth wheel here.

The duck quacks.

He realizes he's an unlikely sixth wheel to a duck, no less.

Hijikata eats fast, he wants to finish quickly and get out of here. He hates forced situations like this, it's obvious he's the odd man out and he has no place here. He can't believe he came out for the cheap price of Gintoki leaving him alone for just a week, the bastard should leave him the hell alone for a month or two for making him endure this! He knows it hadn't been planned, but if Takasugi looks at him one more time he's going to put his fork to better use and scrape that smug look right off his face.

“You're supposed to chew your food,” Gintoki says to him quietly. “I'm no expert, but I hear that's the best way not to choke to death.”

Despite the low tone of his voice, Takasugi hears and chimes in, “Let him choke.”

“I'll choke you if you don't shut your goddamn mouth,” Hijikata finally snaps, his fork gripped tight in his fingers.

“Ohoo,” Sakamoto whistles? Chirps? What the fuck had that sound even been? Whatever it was, it must be a good thing because he's hiding a smile behind a hand.

There's a soft _clap-clap-clap_ as Katsura lightly applauds while fighting back a smile.

“He'd probably do it, too,” warns Gintoki. “He's a cop with the worst temper.”

“I don't give a damn if he's a cop or a monk, he's an asshole.”

“So man up and call me an asshole, that's better than sittin' there makin' snide remarks every chance ya get.”

“Excuse you? Man up? At least I'm man enough to say this loser here,” Takasugi grabs Gintoki's cheeks in one hand and smooshes his face as he shakes his head a little, “is my friend.”

“Energph!” Gintoki gets his head out of Takasugi's grip so his words aren't obscured anymore and puts a hand on Takasugi's shoulder. It's _weird_ how Gintoki grabs Takasugi's chin and turns his head, forcing him to avert his glare away from Hijikata. “Enough, okay? Just let it go.”

“But he's a dick.”

“So are you and I'm your loser friend, now please shut the fuck up and leave him alone.”

“ _Let it go_ ,” Sakamoto sings, “ _let it go! I am one with arghhh –_ ”

Hijikata can't thank Katsura enough for smothering Sakamoto to silence him. Gintoki goes back to eating and encourages Hijikata to do the same, but once they do, a blond woman comes up to the table and gives them all a very genial smile. It's because of her that the tension in Hijikata loosens and he's able to look away, his nostrils flared as he breathes.

“My lovely lady!” Katsura hails and gets up to go over to her.

“I take it this is the owner,” Hijikata ventures.

Gintoki makes an affirmative sound. “Ikumatsu. Pretty, isn't she?”

Hijikata nods curtly – flushing for who knows why – and watches her interact with Katsura. They're definitely sweet on each other, those strange brown eyes have become so _soft_ , but it's not the public lovey dovey kind of affection Hijikata abhors. Ikumatsu greets everyone at the table in turn – they all give her warm welcomes, she's clearly well liked by them – but she pauses when she gets to Hijikata.

“Who might you be? I've never seen you here before.”

“Toushiro Hijikata,” he replies with a slight dip of his head.

“He's in the apartment building across from Gintoki's,” says Takasugi in a low voice, “but they're not friends.”

“And there's nothing wrong with that,” Gintoki snaps and punches Takasugi's shoulder.

“There's a lot wrong with that.”

“No, there isn't. Eat your food before I shove your face in it.”

Ikumatsu blinks, but offers Hijikata a smile. “It's nice to meet you, I hope the food is to your liking.”

“It's very good, thank you.”

“He can be polite,” mutters Takasugi, “who knew.”

“That's enough,” Gintoki doesn't sound angry, but there's something hard in his voice now, “or should we start discussing your shortcomings? Like the time we were on that train that broke down and you almost shit yourself trying to hold it in?”

Sakamoto bursts out laughing. “No! No! Remember when he got a piece of toilet paper stuck to his shoe and he walked around the entire museum before he noticed it was there?”

They all laugh – except Hijikata since he basically never laughs – and even Takasugi sheds a strange sort of half-smile. He's not embarrassed, but there's some annoyance to his look. However, it's not the angry kind of annoyance, it's hard to explain. It's like he's annoyed enough to leave Hijikata alone, but also doesn't feel bad about any of the things his friends are saying. That really just goes to show how close the group is and makes it even more apparent how much Hijikata doesn't fit in. He doesn't want to fit in, either, he just wants to get through the meal so he can leave and never have to do this again.

“God, how 'bout that time Zura –”

“It's Katsura!”

“– ate those bad oysters at that theme park and upchucked it all on the Twirl-a-Whirl?”

They laugh some more and Katsura covers his face with a hand as his laugh dies down to chuckles. “I haven't eaten oysters since! That was the worst! Not even Ikumatsu can get me to try any of hers! I'm ruined with seafood forever!”

Their reminiscing is nice for them and all, but Hijikata has stayed plenty long enough.

Elbowing Gintoki, he tells him, “My time's up.”

It's not quite up yet, but he has definitely had enough. He's a little surprised when Gintoki excuses both of them and throws money down on the table before standing.

“It was nice to meet most of you,” Hijikata says by way of parting.

“Take care!”

Ikumatsu bows slightly. “You're welcome here anytime.”

“Get lost.”

Katsura slams a hand on top of Takasugi's head and finishes off the goodbyes with, “Glad to meet you!”

Then, there's a quack.

Hijikata looks down at the duck and the room feels like it gets hotter because he doesn't know what to do. Awkwardly, he half-raises a hand, wriggles a few fingers in a wave, then bolts for the door. He can't believe he just waved to a duck, how preposterous is that?

Furious with himself now, he bolts out of there so fast he doesn't even remember opening the door. Hijikata has never been more grateful for his reliable nicotine handicap as he pulls out his pack and lights up a cigarette. He hears a noise behind him, but doesn't turn and only a moment later, Gintoki is walking on his right.

“That was the worst,” Hijikata seethes.

“You said we weren't friends pretty much right from the start, what did you honestly think would happen?”

“I don't know! It just came out because it's true! We were just getting somethin' to eat!”

“Which is a thing friends tend to do!”

“What is your problem? Why do you have to label everything? Friends, not friends, neighbors, acquaintances, what the fuck does it matter?”

Gintoki makes a pained face. “Well, what makes more sense, going out and getting something to eat with a friend or going out and getting something to eat with some guy?”

“When you put it like _that_ then it's obviously the former, but it's n-not something that should have come up at all!” His face is red with anger and his hands are shaking. “It's just _sex_!”

There's a short pause before Gintoki whispers to him, “I don't think you coulda yelled that any louder.”

Mortified, Hijikata looks around and sure enough, there are a lot of people staring. Putting his head down, he speeds up and they walk in silence for a whole half of a block. Hijikata's face doesn't get any less red, he doesn't think, and he has a whole new cigarette in the short time frame.

“You're angry.”

“M'not.”

“You're smoking like a chimney, you're angry.”

“That doesn't automatically mean m'angry. I smoke all the time.”

“Call it a hunch. I'd rather you just yell and get it over with.”

“I already yelled.”

“So you did, but you still look ready to murder someone and I don't want that someone to be me.”

“If you're worried, then leave.”

“Can't leave yet.”

“Why not? I'm ready for you to be gone for a week.”

Gintoki huffs and keeps stride. “I wanna make it up to you first.”

“Like hell you can! Do you even know how fuckin' awkward that was f'me?”

“It wouldn't have been awkward at all if you'd relaxed a little,” Gintoki responds and grabs Hijikata's arm to pull him to a stop. He guides them just off to the side so they can speak and stay out of the way of people passing by. “You didn't ask them any questions, you looked like you had an ice cycle stuck up your ass, and I'm not sure, but I'm also pretty certain you were counting the number of tiles in the floor at one point. You can't expect people to accept you if all you show them is that you want nothing to do with them.”

“I don't give a shit about them accepting me,” Hijikata says and takes a drag from his cigarette. “That's probably going to be the last time I see them anyway.”

“All the same, things would have been a lot different if you weren't so standoffish.”

“It's how I am, I shouldn't have to be any other way than that around people.”

Gintoki's brows draw downward. “But... wait, no you're not.”

“M'not what?”

“Well, yeah, you're really standoffish, but there's –”

“This is a waste of time,” Hijikata interrupts and starts walking again, then finishes off his cigarette with one last puff. “I've got work to do and you've done enough damage for one day.”

“Oi!” Gintoki catches up. “I wasn't done talking!”

“You are now! Whatever it is, I don't wanna hear it, bastard! I wanna get back to work and I want you gone for a week, so,” he flails a hand, “be gone.”

“I told you I can't go yet! I've gotta make it up to you first, even a little!”

Hijikata's arm gets yanked and the pull and grip is so strong that he can't get out of it. He's tugged down an alley and around a building, to this little part between structures that's blocked off and only has an old wooden door leading into a cellar to witness them.

“Are you fuckin' s-stupid? We can't do this here!”

“I can and I will,” Gintoki replies back, already on his knees as he works on Hijikata's pants.

“I-I've gotta be back soon, idiot!”

“If you be quiet and let me do this, it won't take so long.” Gintoki sends him a bemused look. “And it'd help if you got your foot off my chest.”

“This is public indecency!”

Gintoki smirks and shoves Hijikata's foot away. “Thrilling, isn't it?”

“Not at a-all!”

Hijikata's remaining protests fall on deaf ears and not ten minutes later, Hijikata's sated and heading back to his awaiting desk.

-o-O-o-

The next couple days are everything Hijikata wants them to be – they're quiet, they're without incident, they're his routine from beginning to end. He has no unexpected events, no meals at new places, no annoying disturbances, it's all just paperwork, morning cigarettes, lunch with his brother, and sleep. Oh, and his window seat, which is where he is now enjoying one last cigarette before bed.

Across the way, Gintoki's apartment is dark, but the light had been on when Hijikata had gotten home and changed. Gintoki has started leaving his window open, Hijikata notices. He doesn't think anything of it, doesn't want to read a damn thing into it, so, he ignores it.

That night, he's exhausted and sleeps soundlessly.

-o-O-o-

On the third day, Hijikata has gotten back to his apartment after work and it had been a most satisfying day. He's in his room, he has just finished watering his plant, and he's feeling relatively good. Each day he has been feeling a little bit better and today he's great, all thanks to having his routine back in full effect.

Hijikata has only just started changing when he looks up to find Gintoki sitting at his own window. He's actually sitting – does he have a window seat too? – and looking down at something, though, he's a little too far back to be directly at the window. It's almost like he's working and Hijikata can't help but snort at the notion. He goes back to changing clothes and piling up some reports he'd snuck back with him to do over the course of the evening.

He finishes getting ready, then sits in his wonderful window seat with a fresh pack of cigarettes and a drink. He starts in on his paperwork and he really can't imagine an evening better than this one. Hijikata sips his drink and smokes a cigarette whose ashes he flicks into the ashtray that was clean when he'd sat down. Every time he happens to glance up, which isn't often, to be sure, Gintoki isn't looking. He's really focused on what he's doing and it's... really kind of nice. It's like sitting with someone and not having to deal with the threat of potential conversation or distraction.

Honestly, if Gintoki were over he'd be so annoying. He'd pester Hijikata for either sex or kisses or both – or perhaps more cruder things, too – and they'd eventually argue over it. Hijikata will admit that it _is_ comforting to see that Gintoki actually does have the capacity to sit down and work on something for an extended period of time. He's not as pissed off as he was about that lunch, but he's not over it, either. Even now Hijikata wants to punch that Takasugi asshole right in the face, then stomp on his balls for good measure.

Lighting up a new cigarette, Hijikata makes a mark on the page he's reading, he really needs to talk to Yamazaki about his report writing skills. He works for maybe half an hour before he looks up again and Gintoki is still there. He's rubbing an eye and yawning, but then he spots Hijikata. He grins and waves, then stands up and walks away. Hijikata fully expects to hear his phone go off, but it never does. Gintoki returns with a drink and sits back down, then raises his cup to Hijikata like a little toast. It takes a moment, but Hijikata lifts his own drink, clicks it against the window, and they take a swig in unison before they get back to work – or whatever the hell it is Gintoki is doing.

Hijikata has no idea why the fuck he's blushing.

-o-O-o-

The next day, Hijikata is in his kitchen preparing a tiny dinner for himself. He got back maybe an hour or so ago and he hasn't even changed out of his work clothes which consists of a very worn light gray shirt and a pair of his usual jeans.

His phone rings and he rolls his eyes at the ID before answering with a sharp, “What?”

“ _As promised, I left you alone for a whole week so you should let me come over._ ”

“Are you really so stupid? No way, it has only been three days!”

“ _By my calculations it has been about four days, which is the majority of a week. Out of seven days, four is over the halfway point. I round up._ ”

“Miraculously, the answer is still no.”

There's a soft laugh, then, “ _Didn't I make it up to you enough after lunch?_ ”

“Not even remotely,” Hijikata responds as he flushes.

“ _Hmm... then let me try again?_ ”

He's pouring a drink and smirking to himself. “What do you have in mind?”

“ _Something more creative than candles._ ” A shudder so strong runs up Hijikata's spine that he has to set his glass back down on the counter or risk dropping it. “ _C'mon_ ,” Gintoki whispers, “ _I'll be out before midnight._ ”

“I... I'll leave the door unlocked.”

“ _Be right over_.”

Hijikata closes his phone and downs his drink, then pours himself another one. Gintoki is over in less than five minutes and the duffel bag he has slung over his should has Hijikata half-hard even before he knows what's inside.

“Oo, a drink! Pour me one too? It's surprising, but you make really good ones.”

“You don't deserve one.”

The bag gets set down on the table. “Why not? Or are you still bitter about the lunch?”

“What do you think?”

“I think you're still traumatized and need the memory fucked outta you.”

Hijikata pours him a drink. “I doubt that will work at all.”

“Well, with what I've got in mind you'll lucky to even remember you're own name afterward.”

He almost drops the cup when handing it over. “That so?”

Gintoki's lips are brushing the glass, the heat of his breath making it fog up, as he replies, “That's so.”

It takes several seconds for Hijikata to snap out of his sudden absentmindedness and look away. He finds his own glass and takes a nice gulp of it, his heart already pounding for whatever is in that bag.

“That couch is seriously the most hideous thing.” Gintoki sits with his drink at the table. “You're aware of this, right?”

“I'm aware and I don't care.”

“By the way, you never said if you liked the food.”

“Food?”

“Oh my god, seriously? The restaurant, the food you ate, the whole reason I asked you to go there with me?”

Hijikata wants to smack him, but curbs the reflex by going back to putting together his pathetic grilled cheese. “It was good. I'd eat any of those things again, just not with the same company.”

“Good to know,” Gintoki responds and pulls a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.

He lights up and the moment he does, Hijikata quickly steals it.

“Give me that back!”

“No.”

“It's my last one!”

Hijikata takes a huge inhale. “Mmm... even better.”

“Asshole, you owe me for that!”

“I don't owe you shit, especially after that awful lunch!”

“C'mon, give it back! At least gimme a puff, just one!”

“Nope, so sorry. Who's the one with the addiction here?”

“You! But I'm really in the mood for a taste.”

Hijikata blows smoke right into his face. “There. Taste.”

It's amusing watching Gintoki's usually closed off expression cloud into a pout, but then his head is tipping and he's smirking. “I wasn't talking about the cigarette.”

Gintoki's hands grab onto his hips and Hijikata finds himself smirking, too. “M'not addicted to you though.”

“You sure?”

Hijikata's phone rings and he shoves Gintoki off and away as he grabs for it.

With a flick of his wrist, he opens it and puts it to his ear, speaking, “Yeah?”

“ _Tosshi?_ ”

It's his sister-in-law.

“Yeah, what's wrong?” It's loud in the background, there's several voices. “Where are you?”

“ _I'm – I'm sorry, I'm at the hospital_.”

The cigarette falls from Hijikata's fingers – Gintoki immediately picks it up and puts it out. “W-why?”

“ _Tamegoro, he... collapsed in the living room. They just brought him into the hospital, will you come?_ ”

“I – I –” He stumbles back and Gintoki's body cushions him.

He almost drops the phone, too, but Gintoki catches it as it starts to slip, keeping it on Hijikata's ear. It's like he doesn't understand what's being said to him while also understand far to well. His whole body feels cold and dread makes his body tremble in a way it hasn't in years.

He doesn't want to go back there again.

“ _Tosshi?_ ”

“O-of course.” He's so stiff. “M'on m-my way.”

**To Be Continued**


	7. Some Walls Are Too Damn Difficult to Climb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hijikata has no idea, literally, no fucking clue, that he has a boyfriend.

 The line goes dead and it's Gintoki that takes the phone away to end the call properly.

“I'd ask if everything's alright, but that's a stupid question.”

“Good to know you can distinguish between what's stupid and what isn't.” He steps away from Gintoki and it feels like he's about to lurch forward and run into the table. “I was unaware you had that ability.”

The words feel heavy on his tongue, like molasses that sticks to the roof of his mouth and coats his throat. Sticky, like glue and tar, so heavy it'll surely end up choking him.

“Not really sure if right now is a good time for quips. You need to get to the hospital, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you have a car?” Hijikata shakes his head and Gintoki lightly tugs his arm. “C'mon, I'll take you.”

Hijikata nods, but Gintoki has to move him. He's numb, he feels nothing and he just does whatever Gintoki has him do. He puts on his shoes and his fingers are unmoving in Gintoki's as he's led out into the hall. Gintoki pauses to lock the door, but then they're moving through the complex. The elevator is the worst part, it feels hard to breathe in there, Hijikata almost starts panting when the doors open and a rush of cool air gives him a reprieve.

Gintoki nudges him forward and keeps a hand on his back to guide him outside. They cross the street to where Gintoki's motorcycle is parked and Hijikata comes to a stop when the hand quits pushing him. A helmet is put on his head and he climbs on the back behind Gintoki, fingers clutching at his clothes somewhere around his hips. Wind whips by Hijikata's ears, white noise, it drowns out his thoughts – what few of those he actually has. Well, that's not true, he has a lot of thoughts, but none of them are constructive and not a single one is useful.

The bike is parked sometime later and the only reason Hijikata gets off is because Gintoki reaches back and pats his thigh a few times. The helmet gets removed and put away, then, they're heading into the hospital that has the largest glass doors. They swing open once the two of them are close enough and when they pass through them, Hijikata realizes there are fingers on his sleeve pulling him along. He almost slaps the hand away on reflex, but the fear of being left alone in this place keeps his arms pressed firmly to his sides.

“Excuse me,” Gintoki says, garnering the attention of the receptionist. “We're here to see Tamegoro Hijikata, please.”

“Are you family?”

Gintoki's arm ushers Hijikata closer. “This is his brother.”

“And you are?”

“A friend, but I'm just dropping him off.”

“May I see some identification?”

Hijikata blinks and says weakly, “I don't, er, I didn't....”

“Here.” Gintoki fishes Hijikata's wallet out of his own pocket and hands it to her. “It's him, they're family. See? I'll wait out here, it's only family, right?”

“No, not anymore, that policy recently changed. Right now it's only two visitors at a time and he already has one.” She takes the wallet and studies the ID, then looks up at Hijikata. “Alright. If you'll just sign in, please.”

Hijikata takes his wallet and puts it in his pocket, but the pen he has a harder time with. It's loose in his grip, his fingers aren't cooperating, he has to be told exactly where to sign, and it takes him a bit to process these very basic things. He does finally sign the place he's supposed to though and a nurse or some kind of aid takes him down the hall. She keeps giving him glances and he wants to snap at her, but absolutely nothing, not a single word, comes to mind.

When they pass the doors to an adjoining ward, he doesn't look at it, but his body stops. He knows it's _the_ hall, he can feel it.

“Sir?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you coming?”

By some miracle, he nods and gets himself to take a step. Just one. Then another. He has to remind himself that he's not really alone right now, he repeats that to himself several times.

“Here we are. If you decide to stay the night, let us know and we'll pull some blankets and pillows out for you.”

He doesn't thank her, he instead takes a breath and walks into the room.

“Tosshi!”

Azumi comes and gives him a hug.

Tamegoro's asleep.

The machines beep and whir.

He can't tell if he hugs her back or not.

He's guessing he doesn't.

“How – how is he?”

“They're running some tests, there's something about his heart. Atr – atria...”

The nurse comes in and supplies, “Atrial fibrillation or flutter. Hello, sir, I'm nurse Muya. This is your brother?” Hijikata nods. “His heart has an extra beat. What we're testing for is if it's a fibrillation or a flutter. One is relatively harmless and can be fixed, the other can be fatal.”

“Any idea which one it is yet?”

“We're going to do an echocardiogram tomorrow, but as things are, it looks promising.”

“Promising, meaning...?”

She jots something down on the chart at the foot of Tamegoro's bed. “He'll be sent home in a couple days, maybe less, with some medication and a temporary beeper to help monitor his heart rate for awhile.”

Hijikata takes a seat and lets out a long breath that tastes vaguely like antiseptic because of all the shit around him. He clasps his hands together in front of him and rests his elbows on his thighs so he's slumped down a bit. His shoulders are taut and he only hears part of the conversation Azumi and Muya have. Tamegoro is going to be okay, they think, and that's good enough for him for the time being. He's going to be staying the night, that's for sure, no amount of hate and trepidation for this place is going to keep him from watching over his brother.

It takes about two hours for Hijikata to get fully up to speed regarding everything that's going on. Both Tamegoro's doctors filter through in that timeframe and while Azumi asks a majority of the questions that also serve in filling Hijikata in on the things he missed, he listens intently and absorbs everything they're being told. He doesn't leave the seat once and Tamegoro remains asleep for the duration, but according to the staff, that's a good thing and a lot of sleep is to be expected for the next few days.

Azumi is decent company, her presence is reassuring, but she talks too much. He doesn't usually mind her, but in times like these where he wants silence, she's filling the empty space with chatter and it's grating on him. He has yet to really snap at her, something about her being his brother's wife stops him, but there have been times that he has come close, _so close_ , to telling her to shut up. He doesn't mean it to be rude and he knows he comes off as crass for doing things like that to people, but he knows himself and he doesn't do well with things he finds so irritating. His temper isn't built to be very accommodating to others, but he regularly makes an exception for his sister-in-law.

He listens to what she has to say and responds accordingly, all the while keeping himself in check. It's very tiring, he doesn't like having to make sure his posture is open, his words aren't clipped, his tone is neutral, that's a lot to have to focus on, especially when his mind is already so far off. He's good at interacting with people when he absolutely has to, but it always feels sort of fake to him, not that he really has any choice in this situation. More than anything, he's just glad she's not crying or reaching out to him for more contact or comfort.

A soft knock sounds against the door and they both look up at a different nurse, but it's one they've met before. Hijikata can't remember her name, he thinks it starts with an _r_ , but he can't be certain and he's too far away to read her badge.

“I'm sorry to disturb, but there's someone here to see you,” she says quietly, looking at Hijikata.

Hijikata sighs and lurches to his feet as the aches in his joints from sitting too long in one position make themselves known. He walks to the door and runs a tired hand through his hair while his mind takes it upon itself to drift off again. So, it's a genuine surprise when he exits Tamegoro's room and finds Gintoki leaning against the wall opposite.

“You're still here?”

“Yeah, of course,” Gintoki replies like it's obvious and tilts his head toward the now cracked door. “Everything alright?”

“They seem to think so. They called it an atrial something, with his heart, you know.”

“He'll be okay though?”

Hijikata grunts and wipes his sweaty palms on his thighs. “Looking that way. Did you... need something?”

“Oh, right.” Gintoki procures a box of cigarettes out of his left pocket. “Found a place around the corner. Figured you'd be staying?” Hijikata nods and Gintoki pulls his wrist up to take off the plastic bag hanging from it. “I got restless waiting, so I grabbed this stuff when I went to find the cigarettes. There's more in the bag, too.” He hands the bag over. “It's mostly food and body stuff. Turns out, the cafeteria here sucks.”

“You went there?”

“Just looking for some sweets, I was sorely disappointed. There was, like, _one_ piece of cake down there in that black hole. It was chocolate flavor and looked so sad on the dinky little paper plate it was plastered onto. The icing looked grainy and I think there was supposed to be some whipped cream on top, but it was mostly melted. It was like the cake was crying, not that I blame it when it was in such deplorable conditions.” Hijikata just _stares_ and when Gintoki catches his eye, he ducks his head. “Ah, did you wanna grab some clothes from your apartment? Should I stick around?”

“No. No, I'm set, you can go.”

“Okay... but call me if you change your mind or need a ride back.”

“Ah....” Hijikata feels around his body, searching for a lump that should be there. “I dunno where my phone is.”

Gintoki pulls it out of his right pocket and takes Hijikata's free hand in his own to gently press the device into his palm. He has such a smart ass look on his face that Hijikata can only send him a weak glare in response. It'd be something more powerful if Hijikata had the energy, but he doesn't, so, weak glare it is.

“Does Azumi need anything?”

Hijikata's face twists. “You know her name?”

“I _have_ had a conversation with your brother before.”

“Oh, right. I dunno, lemme check.” He walks back to the door and pokes his head in. “Do you have everything you need here?”

“Need?”

“You're staying the night, too, aren't you?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Do you need, like, I don't know, a toothbrush or something?”

“No, no,” she waves a hand, “I grabbed some things while the ambulance was loading him.”

Hijikata nods and backs out of the room. “You hear that?”

“Yup!” Gintoki raps his knuckles a few times against Hijikata's shoulder as he starts heading down the hall. “Don't forget to call or text if you think of something, though.”

“Yeah, see ya.”

Gintoki gives one last wave and Hijikata takes a deep, long breath before pushing back into the room with the plastic bag held tight between both hands.

-o-O-o-

The night is longer than Hijikata expects it to be and he gets no sleep whatsoever. There were points where he thought he'd be able to doze, but the hospital is cold and offers nothing except relentless uneasiness. There's always movement somewhere, even in the wee hours of the morning, and Hijikata is receptive to every single noise. Azumi doesn't sleep well, either, but she's at least able to grab some sparse naps here and there.

It's morning and Hijikata isn't scheduled to work, so he just stays at the hospital and makes a place for himself there. No one calls in after him, they know not to bother him on a day off, however, once it gets leaked that Tamegoro isn't in, Hijikata gets bombarded. Suddenly, he has everyone texting and calling him, even people he didn't know had his number. He spends all morning answering calls and questions as well as dealing with the doctors and nurses. Most of it is a mess and Tamegoro gets taken away for a short time to get a test done, then he gets blood drawn after he comes back. Azumi is all over the place with her fretting and worrying and it takes hours before things finally calm down again.

Hijikata's sitting in his seat like he has been a majority of the time and when he hears rustling, he looks up and relief eases the set of his shoulders. “You're awake.”

“Good morning,” Tamegoro greets.

“Afternoon,” Hijikata corrects softly. “How do you feel?”

“Really good, actually. Rested. If I hadn't woken up here, I wouldn't have thought anything bad happened.”

“Yeah, you scared a lot of people, my phone's history can tell you that. I don't even know half those people.”

“Well, you're one of my emergency contacts, so that's bound to happen.”

“That's more talking than I ever wanna do. So just... don't get sick anymore and save me the trouble.”

“Working on it.” He looks around and frowns. “Where's Azumi?”

“Getting lunch, I think. Are you hungry? Do you need anything?”

Tamegoro makes a face. “No. Whatever meds they have me on completely stole my appetite. I could use another pillow, though.”

Hijikata quickly finds a fluffy one and helps wedge it behind Tamegoro so he's sitting up straighter. They talk some more about the last test Tamegoro has scheduled and Hijikata informs him of everything he can think of until Azumi comes back. Once she's there, Hijikata moves back to his seat and lets her take over fussing and getting Tamegoro what he needs.

From then on, Tamegoro stays awake and it's a repeat from the night before. The doctors stop by, the nurses do as well, new information gets passed along and Hijikata takes every opportunity he can to step out to smoke. It gives him something to do and now that he knows Tamegoro is going to be okay, he feels better about leaving the room to feed his bad habit. He smokes about two or three cigarettes each time he goes and as the afternoon wears on, he finishes off all the ones that had been in his bag. The battery on his phone is dwindling, so he uses it sparingly to retain what little life he can salvage, and as the evening rolls around, Hijikata's running on empty as far as energy goes.

Of course, he's not done yet.

“You sure it's a good idea to be discharging him so soon?” Hijikata asks Azumi as Muya fills out the proper paperwork.

“It's what your stubborn brother wants and he'll sleep better in his own bed. Both doctors and two nurses have given him the all clear and one of the nurses will be on call for us.”

“I guess that'll have to be enough.”

When it's all said and done, he helps Tamegoro to the car even though it's clear he doesn't really need it. It's just that Tamegoro's eyes keep drooping and Hijikata doesn't want him to trip or run into something. Hijikata knows he isn't much better off, the only thing really keeping him awake is sheer willpower. Azumi has pulled the car up and she's the one that drives them, but the bags under her eyes are worrying. That's the main reason why he's going home with them, he knows Azumi won't sleep unless someone is watching over Tamegoro regardless of whether or not he has been deemed well enough to leave the hospital.

“Do you want anything to eat or maybe a change of clothes?” Azumi offers after she parks.

Hijikata shakes his head and once again helps Tamegoro to get where he needs to be. He's sure he doesn't smell the best since he's still wearing his gray shirt and jeans, but Gintoki had gotten him enough simple supplies like deodorant and dental hygiene products that he doesn't feel entirely filthy. He gets Tamegoro to his room in the small two story house and leaves him to his own devices to change and get ready for bed.

All the flooring is wood in the house, which doesn't feel the best against his now bare feet, but he's not complaining. Tamegoro's room is on the main floor, so Hijikata starts setting up in the small living room right outside the door. The sun is already down and to Hijikata, it doesn't feel like the day will ever actually _end_. Azumi spends a lot of time with Tamegoro and Hijikata wastes his time just studying the interior. He hasn't been over in a long time and what he notices most is that their TV is about three times bigger than it used to be. Everything is nicely furnished and the couch he's sitting on is comfortable, but they've had this couch forever and it's well worn. All the tones are really earthy and the saving grace is that there isn't anything brightly colored to irritate him.

“Okay, he's asleep,” Azumi says sometime later. “Those meds really knock him out.”

“Go on and get some rest then, I'll stay up with him first.”

“You're sure?”

“Yeah, I've got this.”

“Alright, I'll be up in a few hours.”

Azumi pats his shoulder and heads upstairs to one of the guest bedrooms, probably so she won't wake Tamegoro if she moves around for awhile. She ends up sleeping for five hours and Hijikata's glad she gets some solid rest in. He has passed the hours by reading the paper and zoning out to the TV, which he has on mute, and his fingers are itching for a cigarette. He also stole Tamegoro's phone charger and used it to give his own some juice. He's sure his eyes are bloodshot and he reflexively glances at Tamegoro's open door every so often just to make sure he's still sleeping okay.

“How are things?” Azumi asks, her robe wrapped tightly around herself.

“Quiet.”

“That's good. The bed's free... or would you rather sleep here on the couch?”

Hijikata stands and stretches. “I'm gonna walk back to my place.”

“At this hour?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want a ride?”

“No, I'm okay,” he replies and heads for the door to put his shoes on.

“I'd feel better if you let me take you.”

“I wanna walk. I haven't really stretched my legs in over a day, I need to get out.”

“In the middle of the night isn't the best time to be doing that,” she scolds, but he's not having any of it.

“It'll only take about an hour for me to walk.”

“It's not safe.”

“I'll be fine, don't forget I'm a cop.”

That seems to placate her some, but she still demands, “Call me once you get there.”

“'Kay.”

“I mean it.”

“Alright.”

He doesn't really have anything to take with him except his wallet and phone, so he double checks he has both, then starts out the door. Azumi manages to pull him back in for a quick hug where he awkwardly pats her back and she thanks him at least six times. He knows she's grateful, he knows Tamegoro is, too, but he's really over all this emotional stuff. It takes him upwards of fifteen minutes to extract himself from Azumi's verbal clutches and he all but jogs down the path to get away.

Hijikata starts walking and it's so good for him to get out and clear his head. It takes him less than ten minutes to find a convenience store to buy himself a new pack of cigarettes and they're like a little slice of heaven for him. Azumi hates smoking, so he always makes a point to avoid doing it at their place. He doesn't even like to step out to smoke because he still smells bad and he feels guilty if he trails it back into the house with him.

He smokes that entire pack one after another and his throat is killing him by the time he's done.

He stares at the sidewalk, bumps into someone somewhere along the way, grunts in acknowledgment of it, and he just _walks_.

Everything around him blurs and fades away, he's so tired that he trips several times only because he can't be bothered to lift his feet up enough. He's getting careless and he still feels like the hospital stink is clinging to him. In all honesty, he hasn't been right since Azumi called and being at the hospital for _that long_ really took a lot out of him. It does feel good to be out walking and he feels like the night air, though tepid, is doing him a lot of good... but not _enough_ good. He still gets wrapped in things he hasn't thought about in a long time and it sits like a heavy weight in his gut.

He gets so distracted that when he finally looks up, he has no idea where he's at. His palms start to sweat and he knows he has no reason to panic – he's _not_ panicking at all – he's still unsettled. He spins in a slow circle and... nothing looks familiar, he can't recognize a damn thing. Hijikata wipes his hands on his pants and walks a little faster, but he doesn't know where he's going, so the movement and the illusion of going somewhere doesn't make him feel any better. He stops short on a corner and when he sees a bar, he takes a step toward it since it's still open, but stops himself. He wipes his brow with the back of his hand to get some moisture off and he has enough presence of mind to be aware that going in there would be a bad idea.

It's then he remembers he has a phone.

Pulling it out of his pocket, he accesses his contacts and finds the one he's after.

“ _Hello?_ ”

“Ah, hey.”

“ _Everything okay?_ ”

“Yeah... well, no. That ride still an option?”

“ _Yeah? Sure. Where are you?_ ”

“I dunno. Just started walkin'.”

“ _Okay_ ,” there's noises coming from the other end of the line in the background, “ _what do you see? What's around you?_ ”

He looks around and it's all blurry, he has to wipe his free palm on his pants again. “I... I dunno....”

“ _Listen – are you listening? Sit down somewhere, alright?_ ”

Hijikata keeps the phone pressed to his ear and walks down the sidewalk, one foot after the other. Gintoki's silent on the other end, but every thirty seconds or so, he'll make a noise to let Hijikata know he's still there. Sometimes it's the rustling of papers, sometimes he's clearing his throat, they're all quiet noises that don't grate against his headache. He crosses two streets in his trek and he keeps going until he finds a bench that's situated somewhat away from any traffic.

“Okay.”

“ _You did that?_ ”

“Yeah.”

“ _Good, now tell me something around you, anything at all. A street name, a building, a restaurant._ ” Hijikata rattles off some things he sees right across from him and Gintoki makes a pleased sound. “ _Got it, I know exactly where you're at. Don't move, okay? I'll be there soon_.”

Hijikata hangs up and keeps his phone in a tight grip as he waits. He keeps his eyes down and takes deep breaths, hoping that that might help the headache he can feel starting to build. He's rather shocked he hasn't gotten a headache until now, but he's glad it took its time getting to him because he doesn't know how he would have made it through the day with one.

Gintoki shows up in less than fifteen minutes and hops off his bike, leaving the helmet on the seat. He's in front of Hijikata before he can even stand and he almost regrets calling him. He knows he needs to get back to his apartment, but he's also rather fine being left to sit exactly where he's at. He feels that it's in his best interest to be left alone, he _wants_ to be alone... doesn't he?

“You look like you're gonna be sick.”

Hijikata gets up and pushes passed Gintoki. “Let's just go.”

“Not until I know you're not gonna puke. If you haven't noticed, there's really only _one_ place for that puke to go.”

“I'm not gonna puke,” Hijikata says and sits down on the back of the bike. “I'm tired, cranky, and could really use a drink.” He pauses and rubs an eye. “And a smoke.”

“You're out?”

“Yeah.”

“I bought you a lot, no wonder your voice sounds awful.”

“It happens.”

“That can't be healthy.”

“I don't smoke for good health.”

“That's true. Here, move your right leg.” Hijikata shifts his leg forward so Gintoki can get into the compartment there. “See if this'll help.”

A water bottle gets pressed into Hijikata's hand and he lets out a garbled noise when he sees it. He uncaps it and chugs half of it down, then wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

“That's much better.” He burps quietly in the back of his throat and rests the bottle against his thigh. “Not the kind of drink I had in mind, but it'll do for now.”

“I'm less convinced you're gonna puke on me, too, since you're keeping that down okay.”

“I told you I wasn't gonna puke.”

“You _look_ like you might, though, and no one upchucks on my child.”

Hijikata groans. “ _Please_ don't tell me you actually call this thing your child.”

“Sometimes? She's my baby....”

“And you don't think that's weird?”

“I didn't until you started speaking to me in that tone of voice....”

“Let me put it this way, I'm sitting on your child right now. You ride your baby, hell, _I'm_ riding your baby. Weirded out yet? 'Cause I am.”

Gintoki holds both arms out incredulously. “Why would you say that? Now you made it gross! Don't talk about her like that!”

“Then don't call your bike your child.”

“But –”

“I'm straddling your child as we speak.”

“Stop it! Okay, okay, okay, I won't call her that around you!”

Hijikata smirks. “I had no idea you had such strong feelings for a bike.”

“It's not just a bike, asshole,” Gintoki grumbles and reaches out to touch one of the handles. “It's kinda the only thing I own that I willingly put money into. You may not know this, but that's sort of a big deal for me.”

“Huh,” Hijikata sips more water, “how long have you had it?”

“Couple years. At the time, I hadn't even wanted a car or anything, but fuck, I was walking by this garage one day and she was just sitting out front. It was probably the sexiest thing I'd ever seen, so of course I bought her on the spot.”

“You had a raging hard on for your child, you're disgusting.”

“I said stop it! It's not like that!”

“Whatever you say...” Hijikata trails and shrugs.

“I really don't like you right now.”

“Far be it from me to get in the way of your attraction for inanimate objects. Should I get up? Is me sitting here making you jealous?”

Gintoki's about as distraught as Hijikata has ever seen him and he would have liked to indulge in it a little longer, but his phone goes off and it startles them both.

He sees who's calling and flips it open, answering, “Everything alright?”

“ _Yeah, it's all fine!_ ” Azumi says. _“I just hadn't heard from you and got worried._ ”

“Oh, I'd actually forgotten you'd wanted me to call. Sorry.”

“ _It's okay, are you home?_ ”

“No, but I'll be going there soon.”

“ _You left almost two hours ago, what happened?_ ”

“Nothing.”

“ _Tosshi..._.”

“Nothing! I'm actually just out with my neighbor right now.”

“ _At two in the morning?_ ”

“It's that early?” He pulls the phone back to look at the time and frowns at the hour. “I had no idea.”

“ _Your neighbor, though? Is that the guy that was at the hospital?_ ”

“Yeah.”

“ _You're sure you're okay?_ ”

“A little shaken still, but alright. What about you?”

“ _I've been okay since we were told he'd make a full recovery_.”

“That's good,” he replies and stares down at the seat. “Anyway, it's late, er, early. So... I'll see you later?”

“ _Call if you need anything_.”

“Yeah, uh... same. Sorry for forgetting to get back with you.”

“ _As long as you're okay now, I don't mind, and you sound better, too. Be sure to get some proper sleep_.”

“Night.” He hangs up and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I'd really like to go now.”

Thankfully, Gintoki doesn't argue with him and hands him a helmet to put on. He does so and after Gintoki sits, Hijikata takes hold of his hips once his phone is safely in his pocket and the water bottle has been emptied and thrown away. It takes roughly fifteen minutes to get back to the apartment complex and Hijikata doesn't raise any question when Gintoki follows him. They go up the stairs and Hijikata is so glad to be back in his own apartment that he lets out an audible sigh.

“Shower.” A hand nudges Hijikata's back. “Go.”

Hijikata nods and goes to do just that, he's so ready to get the hospital smell off himself. He knows he reeks of stale cigarette smoke as well and while he doesn't mind that, it probably only adds to his not-so-appealing aroma. He grabs fresh clothes from his room, sweat pants and a white shirt, and takes a twenty minute shower, most of which is spent staring at the water going down into the drain. The water itself is so warm it's almost hot and he's reluctant to leave it. However, once it starts to get cooler, he finds he has no choice and gets out to dry off and change. The second he walks out of the bathroom, the smell of food hits him and his stomach damn near folds in two as it snarls.

“Perfect timing!”

Hijikata sits heavily down at the table. “For what?”

“Voila!” Gintoki announces and puts a plate in front of Hijikata. “Food has been served!”

“It's eggs.”

“Do you not like eggs?”

“Eggs are fine.”

Gintoki shuffles his feet. “Are you not hungry?”

“I am.”

“Then... what's the problem?”

Hijikata sighs. “I'm exhausted.”

“Okay.”

“Still really cranky.”

“Alright.”

“I don't think I even have the energy to smoke at this point.”

“Understandable.”

“Despite all that, I'm still not going to eat anything with my fingers.”

Gintoki stares at him dumbly for at least ten seconds before it clicks and he lets out a laugh. He goes back to the counter and retrieves a pair of chopsticks that he hands over with an apologetic smile.

“Need me to feed you, too?”

“No, I can handle this much on my own.”

Once he starts eating, he scarfs down everything on his plate. It's by no means the best thing he has ever tasted, but he's so hungry that he just doesn't give a fuck and overall, it tastes fine.

“You good now?” Gintoki asks when he's finished.

“Yeah, but still tired.”

“Want me to tuck you in?”

“Hell no, I'll rip your balls off if you try.”

“You're not going to work later, are you?”

“Not in the morning, but eventually, yeah.”

“That's a terrible idea.”

“I can't slough off my job! My brother's fine, why would I need time off? And what concern is it of yours, anyway?” Hijikata scowls and warns, “Remember that cranky thing? I wasn't kidding. Don't fuck with me right now, I'll pulverize you.”

“If you remember, I'd wanted to fuck with you before, but we never got around to it.” They both look at the black bag still sitting innocently on the floor and Gintoki snorts. “So much for that idea.”

He gets up to move toward it and Hijikata stops him, saying, “Leave it.”

“Really?”

“Will you be needing it for something else?”

Hijikata holds his breath.

“No.”

He lets the breath out.

“So, leave it.”

One of Gintoki's brows slowly goes up. “Does that mean you're giving me an official raincheck?”

“I'll sleep on it,” Hijikata replies flatly and takes his plate to the sink.

“And then let me know tomorrow? Is that how this is gonna work?”

“No, it's time for you to leave.”

“Kicking a man out on your doorstep at three in the morning, that's a little rude.”

“I haven't kicked you yet, but I could if you really want.”

Gintoki chuckles. “That's quite alright, I'll pass. But do I get a goodnight kiss?”

“Absolutely not.”

Gintoki edges closer. “Not even a thank you kiss?”

“Nope.”

“Aww, that's kinda mean.”

“Cranky, remember?”

“Alright, alright,” they're facing each other now, “lemme just check this one thing.”

Gintoki puts a hand on Hijikata's hip and reaches up to brush his v-cut bangs aside. His fingers feel cool and linger up on his brow for several long seconds until Gintoki hums.

“You're a little warm.”

“I'm sure it's 'cause I haven't slept yet.”

“Maybe, but I'm still gonna ask you about it tomorrow.”

“Okay, mom.”

Gintoki's arm snakes around Hijikata's lower back and supports some of his weight. Somewhere in his muddled brain, there's an alarm going off that he shouldn't allow this, but he's literally too damn tired to give a rat's ass.

“I think I like this lazy crankiness you've got going on, it's a lot easier to handle than your normal.”

“Don't get used to it.”

Gintoki smirks and it's no surprise to Hijikata when he leans forward to kiss him. His lips are soft and Hijikata closes his eyes as a hand slides up his body to cup the back of his neck. He feels the thumb of that hand brush back and forth along his skin and he really needs to push Gintoki away now, but... after such a long couple days... this feels... nice. He has something warm and solid to lean against and he hates that he's drawn to that. He accepts kiss after chaste kiss and he's so exhausted that he lets them linger longer than they should. He also hates how he doesn't mind the hands on him, the ones that aren't grabbing at him, but just touch and feeling him out.

“You sure you wanna be alone?”

“Yeah,” Hijikata whispers and leans into the next kiss that he knew would be coming.

Gintoki nips at his bottom lip and murmurs, “I don't believe you.”

Hijikata's head drops down and his forehead lands on Gintoki's shoulder. He doesn't remember bringing his arms up and wrapping them around Gintoki's chest, but that's exactly what he's doing. Over the years, he has forgotten this feeling, the one so close to security, and it's catching him off guard. He's not the hugging sort, he doesn't necessarily _hug_ , he hadn't even hugged his own brother earlier, and he'll fervently deny that what's happening right now is a hug.

It's not a hug.

It's not an embrace.

It's him holding a warm blanket to himself.

A blanket that just so happens to be standing up and has a pulse.

It also appears to have the ability to rub his back slowly up and down.

God, he's tired.

“I need bed.”

Gintoki snorts. “Want me to carry you?”

Groaning, Hijikata forces himself to lift his head and push Gintoki away. No more, he's done, he can't do this. He pulls back and gets his eyes open, but everything is blurry – that seems to be happening a lot tonight. He rubs an eye and has to squint at Gintoki because he's not sure what he's seeing.

“What's wrong with your face?”

“Eh?”

“S'red...?”

Hijikata points to his own cheek just below his eye where a smidgen of red is cresting Gintoki's cheeks. At least, he thinks that's what he's seeing, he's honestly not sure with how fuzzy everything is.

“It's warm in here, can't you tell?”

“Ah, yeah.”

That makes sense, Hijikata's starting to roast – he'd left the heat on, hadn't he? He can't recall, that's from too long ago.

“I'm going to be looking through the window to make sure you go to bed.”

“That sounds so creepy, don't do that.”

“Someone needs to.” Gintoki grins. “If you're not in bed by the time I get to my apartment, I'm gonna call. Don't bother turning your phone off, either, because I'll just come right back over if you do.”

“Geh! Freak! Get outta here already, I'm not a child!”

“No peeking in the bag!” Gintoki calls as he's shoved out the door.

Hijikata locks it and thumps his forehead against it as the very last of his energy leaves him. He numbly picks the bag up and takes it along with his phone to his room. He shoves the bag underneath his bed and plugs his phone with uncoordinated fingers.

He then falls face first on his bed and passes out.

He's _done_.

**To Be Continued**


	8. Feel the Monotonous Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, when something throws off a routine you rely on, things can go wrong very quickly. Note: the added tags.

Hijikata wakes up at the sound of his alarm and it takes him several very long seconds to figure out where he's at. He groggily reaches out and shuts the sound off, but while he rapidly blinks his eyes, not much is coming into focus. Where's he at again? He remembers the hospital and that has him coming to life faster, if only because his heart rate shoots up so quick it hurts. He falls off his bed in his haste to go make sure his brother is okay, but when he stumbles into the wall and hits his head on it, an onslaught of more _helpful_ memories come back to him.

Tamegoro's safe at home.

Hijikata's at his apartment.

Taking a deep breath, he rubs his eyes and goes back over to sit down on his bed. He inhales sharply through his nose and shakes his head to try getting himself to settle in faster. With his phone in hand, he digs out a dwindling pack of cigarettes from his nightstand and goes to his window seat. It's amazing how much he relaxes after his first cigarette and he hates how his fingers are trembling, but he attributes that to him just needing his nicotine fix.

His shades are drawn closed, so he opens one side of them and feels the texture of his blinds between his fingers. They're old and plain, they came with the apartment and he never bothered to change them. He needs to clean them, they've gotten a little musty from neglect, and he can both smell and see his own laziness. Just moving the one shade has brought down a cascade of tiny airborne particles that would drive anyone with allergies into a sneezing episode of doom. He can only see them because of the light shining through the window and he waves them away just to watch them dance with the smoke coming from his cigarette.

He opens his phone and sees that he has a couple text messages, it just goes to show how deep of a sleep he'd been in since neither of those text tones had woken him up – though, only a few hours of sleep doesn't amount to much. The first text is from Azumi letting him know that everything is still okay with Tamegoro and that he has eaten a little, but then went back to sleep.

The second text is a really strange one from Gintoki that asks, _Are you still alive?_

Hijikata frowns at the oddity, but texts back a quick, _Yes, go away_.

He checks the time on the text and sees that it came in about an hour ago, which seems erroneous and way too early for someone like Gintoki. Why the hell wasn't Gintoki sleeping? Inhaling another drag from his cigarette, he lets it out through his nose and leans back against the cushion behind him. He rests his head against the wall and watches the smoke drift upward whenever he lets it out.

Using his thumb, he dials Azumi and spends about fifteen minutes talking to her. He only means to check in with her, but she goes on about what she has to do for the day and takes about six separate detours within the conversation. It's terrible of him, he knows it is, but he zones out while she talks. He blows out smoke and watches it, then picks out shapes he sees. While she's going on about what groceries she needs to pick up, he exhales some smoke into a circle, then uses a finger to push his right nostril closed so he can fire a stream of smoke out of his left one. The line of smoke smashes into the now oval and obliterates it rather than goes through it.

By the time he's done talking to Azumi – most pointedly, when Azumi is done talking to him and he's finished grunting in response – he has four butts in his ashtray and he has a headache. He only got a few hours of sleep, maybe three at most, and he definitely needs more, but there's a long day ahead and he can't dawdle. He forces himself to get up and he goes to the closet to find something to wear for the day. There isn't much in his closet, just a few hanging shirts and some more shirts are folded up to the left in a cubby. Four cubbies are stacked on top of each other and they separate shirts, pants, socks, and miscellaneous items like belts and... stuff.

He grabs a pair of jeans and the cleanest shirt he can see is a black one that's a little small for him, but he doesn't care. Hijikata sheds his pajamas and throws them on the bed, then dons his chosen outfit. The pants are a little snug, too, which makes him frown because that's the opposite of the problem he usually has. He thinks about the last time he washed anything and it has been awhile, so he can't remember if he accidentally shrank the loads. That's entirely likely and now he's paying the price for his own carelessness.

Hijikata goes to the kitchen next and starts up a brew of his usual blacker than black coffee. While it's doing its thing, he wanders off to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face. He looks _rough_ and he wouldn't be surprised if anyone who saw him thought he was either sick or on his way to falling tragically ill – the irony in that considering what happened to his brother isn't lost on him. He does his best to wash the dark circles away, but they're stained into his skin and he looks no less drained after he's done scrubbing. He runs his damp fingers through his hair and it slicks some of the strands back for a few seconds, but those quickly fall forward into his unruly v-cut.

After he's done with his morning piss, he returns to the kitchen and grabs his favored mug to fill it up. He takes a big gulp, but then he remembers something he has unintentionally neglected for... quite a few days by now. Grabbing his keys, he heads out the door and goes down the stairs into the main lobby. He deviates away from the service counter and enters an alcove that's lined on both sides with mailboxes. Hijikata finds the one with his apartment number on it and uses the right key to unlock it. It's full of letters when he opens the small door and he quickly scoops them all up, then fits them under his left arm.

He's back up in his apartment mere minutes later and this is where he seats himself at the table to begin sorting through the mail. He drinks his coffee as he does his thing and makes sure to have his phone there next to him so he can keep track of the time. He reads through bills, missives, work related newsletters, and coupons for things he never signed up for. He doesn't know how, but it always seems like he gets on mailing lists for shit he doesn't want, doesn't need, and doesn't remember even coming in contact with. Most the things he goes through is junk mail, so that makes it easy on him, and by the time he's done, he has a solid two cups of coffee in his system.

Putting on his shoes, he pours the rest of his coffee into a to-go cup, and quickly goes over to water his plant while he's thinking about it. Once he's sure everything is done and that he has all he needs, he leaves for work. It's a nice day out, but he isn't really paying much attention to anything... he's too busy thinking about the impending storm that will undoubtedly come down on him once he gets to the station. He's going to be crowded and he's going to have to do a lot of talking, he's not looking forward to it. He wants to _work_ and talking to people _is_ work, but it's not the kind of work he's interested in. Sighing to himself, he drinks more coffee and hopes to high heaven that the caffeine somehow gives him special powers to ward off the evil of having to _be social_.

Roughly fifteen minutes later, Hijikata walks into the office and, as expected, he gets harassed by a surge of people. Tamegoro isn't back yet, he isn't due to return until the next week, and so it's up to Hijikata to answer everyone's questions. He also gets to collect gifts, pull up the slack for Tamegoro's paperwork, attend meetings he wants no part in, and it isn't until noon that he feels like he has a handle on everything that had been thrown at him.

He's at his desk, there's a pile of paperwork on the left, a pile on the right, and a third pile tucked safely away unseen in a binder on the floor. His hand is cramping from writing so much, he has two debriefing packets from the meetings earlier, and he calls Azumi again around one to check in. Tamegoro is still doing fine and that's reassuring enough for Hijikata to keep hacking away at all the work in front of him.

“Tosshi!” Kondo walks up with a big smile and perches himself on the only bare corner of Hijikata's desk. “How're you holding up?”

“Busy, not that I mind.”

“Right, but that's not what I asked.”

Hijikata sighs. “I'm okay. He's fine and out of the hospital, there's no reason for me to dwell on it.”

“You look good, but still thought I'd ask.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want me to stop by later?”

“No, I'll be okay. I don't know how long I'll be at Tamegoro's tonight.”

“I have a key, I could let myself in.”

Hijikata shrugs. “If you want, I'll just be catching up with work when I get there.”

He knows Kondo means well, but the whole babying thing has never worked for him. As much as he cares for Kondo, this kind of shit really gets on his nerves and he never handles it well. Then, once he snaps, which he's bound to do if this keeps up, he always feels guilty and hates himself for it afterward.

“Want some lunch?”

“Thanks, but I'd rather not take a break.”

“You need to eat something! You can't do all this on an empty stomach!”

“I've got some bars in my desk,” Hijikata says and he's at least sixty percent sure that that's true.

“You think that'll be enough?”

“Azumi will probably have food ready by the time I get there, I'll eat with them.”

Kondo drums his fingers against his thigh. “I felt so bad when I heard the news, you should've called so I could give you a ride.”

“Don't worry about it, my neighbor was able to take me.”

“Which one?”

“Just some guy I know.”

“But... all your neighbors I know of are women. Sorry, but I'm confused.”

“He lives in the building across the street.” Hijikata puts the papers he'd been reading down with more force than he intends to. “Tamegoro met him.”

Kondo visibly relaxes. “Ah, that's good then.”

“Azumi sorta met him, too. Or knows what he looks like, anyway.”

“Very good! I'd like to meet him!”

“Not necessary.”

“He must be a nice guy if he's willing to drive you somewhere in an emergency.”

He's starting to fish and Hijikata isn't going to have any of it.

“Quit,” he says sternly and he knows there's a bit of a bite to his tone. “I see what you're doing and you need to stop.”

“Sorry,” Kondo replies and both looks and sounds genuinely apologetic. “You know I just –”

“Yes, I know, sorry for snapping.” Here's the guilt he knew would happen. “How 'bout we do lunch tomorrow?”

Kondo grins. “Yeah! I'll bring something in and surprise you!”

“You don't have to do that.”

“Of course I know that, but I want to! We'll talk more then, so don't work too hard!”

“Right.”

Hijikata says goodbye to him and picks up his tossed papers again. He deals with Sougo around three, but he's actually subdued for once, so it's not the worst encounter he has ever had. Five comes quickly and Hijikata leaves with a bundle of things in his arms. Azumi picks him up as they'd agreed the last time they'd spoken and it's a quiet and short ride back to their house. When they get there, Hijikata collects all his things and takes his shoes off at the door before showing himself in to see Tamegoro.

“Hey,” Hijikata says and sits on the seat next to the bed that Azumi must have pulled over.

Tamegoro's sitting with his back against a bunch of pillows and he snorts. “Wow, you look worse than I do.”

“I seriously doubt that, have you seen yourself?”

“I have, actually! I can still walk just fine, except the wife doesn't like it.”

“Can you blame her?”

“No.”

“Really, you should only be getting out of bed to pee and that's it.”

“You hear that, Azumi?” Tamegoro calls, raising his voice. “I hope you're happy it's now two against one!”

“I am!” Azumi yells back. “Stay in bed or I'll make sure you have to pee there, too!”

“I _do_ like her,” Hijikata mutters.

“Yeah, yeah, what's all that?”

“Gifts from the office, everyone misses you.”

“Give them here! Anything good?”

“Dunno. No flowers, thank god.”

Hijikata hands over the bags and Tamegoro laughs under his breath. “Now, see, I think that's a shame. I would've liked to see you come walking in here with your arms full of flowers.”

“I resent that. It's amazing to me that you actually _wonder_ why I don't stop by more often.”

“No, no, I'll tell you what's amazing.” Tamegoro opens one of the gifts and eyes some chocolates. “I have to have some kind of health problem to lure you into the house. I'm sick, you show up. I have a heart thing, you show up.”

“That was more than a heart thing,” Hijikata remarks disapprovingly. “And I show up for some of your get togethers or parties, whatever you call them.”

“Only if I fight you or bribe you.”

Hijikata's shoulders slouch. “Not this again....”

“See? You're already trying to avoid the conversation.”

“This isn't about me! Don't turn something about you into something about me, that's not fair!”

“Okay, truce?”

“Truce. This is about _you_.”

Hijikata spends the next couple hours keeping Tamegoro company and it's _pleasant_. Tamegoro doesn't dig and they're able to just talk and spend time together as they normally would. Nothing unsavory comes up and the only thing they don't do is eat. Azumi is preparing something and she offers for Hijikata to stay and join them, but he turns them down. He can see that Tamegoro wants to fight him, but he placates him by telling him that Kondo is bringing lunch tomorrow, which is true. He also says he'll pick something up on his way out and he says something about wanting to be back at his apartment before nightfall. If anything, that's what gets them to let him go because they don't want him walking back in the dark.

Needless to say, it's a form of relief when he's on his way with his binder of paperwork under his arm. He makes sure to text Azumi that he's fine once he has been walking long enough that he _should_ be back to his apartment by now, but that's not where he's going. He has deviated to the park and he hasn't smoked a single cigarette the entire way there. His fingers are itching for one, but he's running low and he's saving them for when he's sitting.

Big Bertha hasn't changed at all when he reaches her and Hijikata finds his seat at the base. There's a thin sweat on his brow from all the walking, but he doesn't mind. It's just warm enough that the sweat doesn't give him a chill and he doesn't think he runs the risk of catching a cold because of it. He lights a cigarette and stares out over the water while his mind empties out. He feels better now that he knows Tamegoro's still doing well, but Hijikata's just... he doesn't know. He didn't get very much sleep last night and he's sure that has a lot to do with it, but he feels so numb. He's okay with that, he doesn't want to _feel_ , not right now. Or... maybe he does, he really can't tell.

The whole day has just been one big blur and the only things that stand out are a few select conversations with specific people. That's good, though, right? Shouldn't that be good?

He licks his lips and keeps smoking as the sun slowly meets the earth. He watches it for awhile, watches the smoke that comes from the cherry red end of his cigarette, but after a bit, he picks up his binder and pulls out some paperwork. He still has some light left and he uses it to read through some stuff that he'll need to work on when he gets back to the apartment. He keeps his phone out so he can see it if it goes off and though he knows he'll hear it, he still wants to have it within his sights. He keeps expecting it to go off any second to deliver more bad news and that in itself should tell him that he's not really over what happened.

He's not really over a lot of shit.

Hijikata smokes until he's out and reads until there's no light left to see the words in front of his face. He texts Azumi to let her know he's getting ready for bed and that he'll talk to her tomorrow – it's only a _partial_ lie. He'll be getting ready for bed when he gets back to his apartment, she doesn't need to know every little detail and neither does Tamegoro. He stands once he's done sending that message and his ass hurts from sitting so long on the roots. He gathers his things and since he's out of smokes, he puts all the spent butts into the empty carton and throws that away in the nearest waste can.

With his binder under his arm, he starts walking back to his apartment, but makes a stop at the one convenience store with the old lady. He hasn't seen her in quite some time, but she greets him as she always does. It's refreshing to see her, it proves to be a nice reminder of his routine, except... this time, things go a little differently. The thought hasn't crossed his mind once, but when he sees a blue bottle on his way to get his required mayonnaise, he swipes that up to add it to his goods. He keeps any conversation to a minimum and once he's outside with everything paid for, he stops.

Hijikata hasn't felt like this in a long time and he has to take a lot of quick breaths to keep himself calm. He leans back against the wall right next to the door, but when someone else comes out, he startles and walks away a few steps. Just to give himself something familiar to do, he opens one of his new packs of cigarettes and lights one up. He smokes it between shaking fingers and he almost drops it more than once, he even sprinkles some hot ash back on himself. His breathing is quick and it doesn't even out as he walks – the bag feels so heavy in his hand.

“Get it together,” he tells himself and hunches his shoulders.

He finishes his cigarette and since he doesn't have any tray for it, he stops at a trash can and stamps it out on the top of it. He's feeling better by the time he gets to his apartment and it's a relief to be inside, like he can't be seen when he's in here. He dumps his bag of shit on the table and runs a hand through his hair – he doesn't move, he just stand there. It's ridiculous and he feels entirely stupid, he's an _idiot_ , and he made a mistake.

Throwing the binder on the table, he filters through the bag until he finds the blue bottle and takes that to the bathroom. He can't just throw it away, he needs to get rid of it, get it out of his apartment in such a way that he can't get any of it back no matter how hard he tries. He tears the plastic on the outside off with his fingers and it's almost a frantic battle when the plastic refuses to break at one part. Hijikata forces the cap off and tears the seal on the top so he can pour a mass of round white pills into his palm.

They're just sleeping pills and they're nothing really harmful, but his throat still goes dry just seeing them. Each one is smooth against his fingers and as he stands over the toilet, he has every intention of dumping them in and flushing them down. The pills are a cheap generic brand of melatonin and they're not strong enough to just knock someone out if they take them. He chews on his lip and he can see his fingers shaking slightly, which is an overreaction since this isn't him. This isn't like him, he doesn't do shit like this, and he doesn't want to go back to the way things used to be.

He just has to flush them, that's it.

Five minutes later, Hijikata strides into his room and hurriedly looks around. There are a lot of different spots he could choose, but he finds himself walking over to the window seat. On the opposite of where he usually sits, he shoves the still full bottle beneath the cushion and places an inconspicuous pillow on top of it. He hasn't taken any, he doesn't plan on taking any, and he sees no reason why they can't just... sit there.

Since the shades are open, he can see into Gintoki's apartment, but it's dark inside like no one is home. It's too early for Gintoki to be asleep, so Hijikata can only assume that he hasn't come back for the night or whatever. Maybe he's not coming back at all, maybe he's out with someone else, Hijikata doesn't care. He closes his shades to shut out that part of the world and goes back to the kitchen to grab his paperwork so he can give himself something to do.

He's aware it's going to be long night, but he doesn't care, he'll do what he needs to.

-o-O-o-

The next night, Hijikata can't sleep.

He barely slept the night before, too.

He has tried everything he can think of, but none of it is working and he's getting desperate. He can't slow his mind down, he can't stop himself from thinking about things he shouldn't, and it's affecting him in the worst way. His palms are sweaty, he can't sit still, it feels like his heart is pounding way too fast and he can feel that beating in parts of him that he doesn't think a heart beat belongs. The day had been fine and had consisted of much of the same as the day before minus the trip to the pond. He's fine with that, he has a routine, but the paperwork, the work itself, it isn't serving him as it had before. He has had a routine for a long time and for some reason, he's finding it really difficult to find the same rhythm.

He needs sleep.

Everything will be alright if he can just get some solid rest instead of only two to three a night. That's what's driving him so crazy and he doesn't want Kondo to question him more about how tired he looks or have his brother give him those probing looks. He needs to be normal, he can't draw attention to himself or make anyone think he's unwell. It's going on one in the morning, which isn't all that late, but when he hasn't slept in close to forty-eight hours, he's collapsing and starting to lose control of his situation.

Before he can talk himself out of it, he goes into his room and he's so tired that all reasoning has deserted him. He fishes the bottle out of its hiding place and he feels a cold sweat spring up on his forehead just seeing it. His mouth is dry as he opens the top and he hates himself when he sprinkles some into his hand. They _look_ so innocent and surely there can't be any harm in taking just a few to help him sleep. He _needs_ to sleep, he can't let himself stew like this all night, so what's wrong with taking a few to help put him out?

Licking his chapped lips, Hijikata keeps three pills in his palm and heads to the bathroom. He tosses the pills back and cups his hand under the faucet to slurp some water up to get them down. The bottle is safely back under the cushion of his window seat and all he has to do now is wait a little bit for the meds to kick in, then he'll be asleep.

Sleep is all he needs, that's it.

**To Be Continued**

 


	9. Everybody Looks Left, You Go Right – That's the Kansas City Shuffle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gintoki actually has a POV =u= I've been waiting to throw some Gintoki-centric things in and here we are!

Speeding through traffic is possibly one of Gintoki's favorite things when the streets are really congested. He'd never drive this way with someone else riding with him, but since it's just him right now, he zips through every available open space. It reminds him of the game where the frog has to hop across the street without getting hit, he forgets what it's called. Hunching his shoulders, he banks right and slips into a narrow opening so he can cut across the next lane to make his turn. It doesn't take him long to find a parking place and, as always, he's slightly disappointed when he has to shut off his bike's alluring purr.

He dismounts and stows away his helmet before he grabs a bag from the compartment in the back. The building he's in front of is modestly sized and since it's relatively new, it's not yet decorated with any kind of... anything. It doesn't have any signs, there aren't any shrubs or flowers out front, it's rather plain at first glance, but that will be changing soon. Gintoki shoves the twin doors open and steps into a room with a high ceiling where there's people running around in all directions. It _smells_ new, the lingering fresh paint scent is still potent, and all the walls are void of pictures or anything that could make the place more personable.

It doesn't take him long to spot Katsura and he's quick to get in front of him, greeting, “I come bearing glad tidings!”

“I could use some of that right now.”

“Come on, time to have a sit!”

Gintoki leads Katsura to his office, which is so far just as bare as everything else, and he urges Katsura into a seat. Katsura's hair is a bit frazzled and his shirt collar is unbutton and opened somewhat haphazardly. He looks like he has had a rough morning and Gintoki has high hopes as he gently places the bag in front of him on the desk.

“What's this?”

“A gift from your wife.”

“She and I aren't married, when are you going to drop that?”

“Never. Because you two are going to get hitched eventually, I'm just getting a head start on getting used to it.”

Katsura sighs tiredly. “Whatever you want to do. So, what, you ordered this and she made it?”

“Something like that, it was a joint effort. You've been working so hard and I didn't think you'd want to eat today when you know you need to. This is something light that you have less of a chance puking back up.”

“How thoughtful.”

“Eat.”

“You're going to watch me?”

“Yes.” Gintoki sits down across from him and smiles as Katsura unearths a carefully wrapped bowl of soup. “You're gonna do great today, but you can't have your stomach rumbling halfway through the presentation, that'd make you look bad.”

Katsura examines the soup and uses the spoon to taste it. “Ikumatsu didn't make this, I don't think.”

“She helped.”

“In what way?”

“She supervised and let me use her kitchens there at the restaurant. Technically, she paid for it and I made it. I told you it was a joint effort.”

“And there's even something for Elizabeth.”

“Yeah, give that here, I'll take care of it while you eat.”

Katsura hands him the small bag and he shakes it to summon Elizabeth to him. The duck emerges from her nest in the corner and comes waddling up to him, her neck outstretched toward the bag. He opens it and tosses her a few kernels of corn to peck at and he can hear Katsura digging into the soup. It's a really simple recipe and the soup itself is full of nutrients, but the base is a broth so it won't sit heavily in his stomach. It'll keep him hydrated, too, just in case he forgets to drink some water and there's enough protein in it to keep him from getting hungry for awhile.

“Are you stopping in to see Takasugi later?”

“Yeah,” Gintoki tosses some more corn to Elizabeth when she quacks softly at him, “he's still packing all that shit up.”

“Nice of you to help him.”

“He's paying my fee, so I can't complain.”

Katsura laughs. “What's your fee now? As I recall, you got more expensive recently.”

“A meal of some sort, at least two pudding cups, something with chocolate, strawberry milky, and a parfait within the twenty-four hours of my service, I don't think that's too much to ask.”

“You're still in the reasonable range, at least,” Katsura replies with mirth in his voice.

“I don't ask for much. Hey, how many of the people here still think we're sleeping together?”

“Pretty much all of them.”

“Really? Even though Ikumatsu stops by?”

“Yeah, since I've known you longer and you like to drape yourself over me.”

“ _Drape_ is reaching a little bit.”

“You're very handsy.”

“I haven't been today!”

“A rare phenomena, are you feeling okay?”

“Fine, thanks. How's the soup?”

“Almost gone and I wish there was more. You don't happen to have another bowl tucked away for Takasugi that I can steal, do you?”

“Afraid not, I only made the one there for you.”

“Next time make more,” Katsura says and lifts the bowl to drink the rest.

Elizabeth tugs on Gintoki's pant leg, so he tosses her more corn. “Will do. I wasn't sure it'd be any good, so I hadn't thought to make more until you tried it.”

“Definitely make more. You should do it at Sakamoto's next week for dinner.”

“I was actually going to try something new for that.”

“You've got something in mind?”

“I do! Not sure how it's gonna turn out, but... we'll see when I try it.”

“What is it?”

“When have I ever told you after you asked me that?”

Katsura rolls his eyes. “Never.”

“So, why would I start now?”

“I hate when you do that.”

“I know,” Gintoki replies and grins. “Is the presentation room all ready?”

“Yes.”

“Do you need anything else?”

“Mm... tie?”

Gintoki snorts. “Sure, where is it?”

“I actually have three,” Katsura says and pulls them all out of one of his drawers. “Which one do you think is best?”

“The green one! For sure the green one, that's my favorite, but... how did you get it? I could've sworn I'd stolen it from Takasugi a few months ago.”

“You did, but then I stole it from you.”

“ _When_?”

“A couple weeks back, whenever it was that Sakamoto and I visited you together.”

“You sneaky thing! I'm stealing it back after this!”

“Good luck with that,” Katsura mumbles and puts the tie around his neck.

Gintoki goes over to him and pushes Katsura's hair back, then fits the tie beneath the line of the collar. He crosses the two ends of the tie over itself and flips the thicker part in between, then pulls the thin end down. Katsura is way better at doing ties than he is, but he can make them look presentable and they both have the same problem in that they can tie ties, just not on themselves.

“Do you want to do another practice run on me?”

“No, I think I've got this.”

Gintoki adjusts the knot so it's snug, but not _too_ snug against Katsura's throat, and nods. “Of course you do, they won't know what hit'em.”

Katsura pats the back of Gintoki's hand and gathers up the now empty bowl to put the lid back on. Gintoki trails some corn back to Elizabeth's bed to lure her into it and runs through some last minute things with Katsura to make sure he's ready. He knows he is, but the extra assurance helps Katsura and Gintoki doesn't mind glossing it all over. Once he's done and Katsura's good to go, Gintoki heads back out to his bike. He speeds off to Takasugi's place and goes much faster than necessary to get there. The seat beneath him is nice and warm from the sun, the wind feels good as it rushes around him, and just being out like this is enjoyable.

The place he parks in front of is actually a set of two apartments on top of each other. Takasugi's housing is larger than average in these parts and really, it's too much space for one person, but Takasugi likes the extra room. Gintoki does as well since he gets to benefit from it and they all like to crash in it since it's plenty big enough to accommodate them. The front isn't decorated very much, but Katsura had put some flowers out on the porch maybe a week ago and those are all still alive so far.

Gintoki goes up to the door and lets himself in, announcing, “It's just me, don't freak out!”

“Of course it's you, you're the only one that bangs the door against the stopper like that.”

“It's never intentional, I always forget about it.”

Takasugi walks down the stairs in jeans and a button up shirt that's too big for him and it's not buttoned up all the way. He's sweating a little and Gintoki can tell just by the look on his face that he's frustrated. It's not hard to guess why since there's boxes and things all over the place, it's to the point that getting down the hall or through doorways is difficult.

“Where should I start?”

“Anywhere. I don't care. Just...” Takasugi spins in a slow, lazy circle as Gintoki pushes his shoes off, “start somewhere. The living room, maybe?”

“You got it! What've you been doing?”

“Avoiding this,” Takasugi spits and kicks one of the boxes as he makes his way to where the kitchen is.

Gintoki shakes his head with a fond smile and goes left into the living room. It's packed with stuff that's in stacks and piles and at one part in the corner, the stuff almost reaches the ceiling. If someone random just walked in on this, they'd think Takasugi's some kind of terrible hoarder in need of an intervention. Gintoki picks a spot and starts sorting stuff into piles and he makes a few boxes to get him going. There's many clusters of unconstructed boxes around and it's easy to find a roll of tape to put some together.

“Are you done yet?” Takasugi asks twenty minutes later.

“Funny,” Gintoki remarks and glances at where Takasugi's leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed. “Why is there so much of this crap?”

“It's what happens when you have wealthy parents that like to shove things on you when they run out of room.”

“Parents,” Gintoki chortles, “what're those? Oi, what about these, uhh... is this a collection of dictionaries?”

“Yes, special edition collectors items bound in genuine leather that are worth thousands. Just put them on the shelf, they can sit there and rot where I can see them deteriorate.”

“My, you're in a _lovely_ mood this afternoon, aren't you?”

“Leave me alone.”

“Did you not get a nap or...?”

“You can either pack and shut up or leave, your choice.”

Gintoki laughs and tops his box off so he can tape it shut. His phone rings and after looking at who it is, he grabs his bluetooth and sticks that in his ear so he can talk while keeping his hands free.

“You've reached receptionist Gin-san! How can I help you today?”

“ _God, it's good to hear a familiar voice_.”

“Bad day?”

“ _No, just full of layovers, gate changes, and cancelled flights. It's a mess today since some sheep escaped onto the runway_.”

“Were there any causalities?”

“ _Nope! They were seen in time, now it's just a matter of herding them away_.”

“Who's that?”

Gintoki waves Takasugi over. “Sakamoto's going to be late, I'm sure he could use some words of encouragement.”

Takasugi sits on the floor next to Gintoki and presses the side of his face up against his own so he can hear what's being said.

“Aren't you in the pilot's lounge by now?” Takasugi asks.

“ _Yes_.”

“So what's there to complain about?”

“ _Just because I have unlimited food and drink, a nice place to sit, and air conditioning doesn't mean I wouldn't rather be home with you guys instead._ ”

“You live the life of luxury, quit trying to get us to feel bad for you.”

“So encouraging,” Gintoki mumbles and elbows Takasugi away. “Ignore him, he's cranky today.”

“ _As opposed to any other day_?”

“Extra cranky today.”

“ _Luck you, you get to be trapped with him_.”

“I'm trapped willingly, I do this to myself.”

“ _I would almost say you should question your life choices_.”

“I would almost say you're right, but enough of that, how's Mutsu doing?”

They fall into an easy conversation and Gintoki keeps him company for about an hour before Sakamoto has to go. He gets quite a bit of stuff packed and during the call, Takasugi passes through intermittently either carrying things or looking like a mopey ghoul. Gintoki packs a couple more boxes until he finds a pile of stuff he just can't pass up. He filters through it and finds some items he thinks are suitable before taking off his clothes right in the middle of the living room. He leaves his boxers on and dons the things he'd picked out for himself. They smell just the tiniest bit musty, but that's nothing compared to how they look once they're on him. It's a really old fashioned suit and the undershirt even has frills along the front of it.

“Yo! Check it out!” Gintoki calls and does a spin move when Takasugi comes into the room.

Takasugi's nose curls. “Where the hell did you find that? Take it off!”

“No! This is the most expensive thing I've ever worn!”

“And you look stupid.”

“Classy is the word you're wanting.”

“Dumb.”

“Classy.”

“Ridiculous.”

“Ridiculously classy. I can't believe something from your family actually fits me.”

“What's that supposed to mean?” Takasugi's asks, his eyes narrowing.

“Your family is short, why must we pretend like I was referring to anything else?”

“I always want to give you a chance to not be a jerk.”

“Too bad, so sad.”

“Hey, you've been marking these boxes, right?”

Gintoki's still checking himself out. “Only with a pen, that's all I could find.”

“You could've asked, I have plenty of markers.”

He procures a black marker from one of his pockets and starts remarking the boxes so they're well organized. Except Gintoki's flaunting comes to an abrupt halt when he sees how hard Takasugi's eyes are squinting as he writes. There's barely a sliver of green visible and Gintoki's stomach drops.

“Why don't we take a break?”

“I don't want to.”

“I think we should.”

Takasugi glares. “I'm fine.”

“What's the point of pushing yourself with this?” Gintoki stalks over until he's standing right in front of Takasugi and lifts a hand to cover his friend's right eye with it. Its twin stares sightlessly at him and Gintoki sighs as soft lashes brush against his palm. “I'm not going to fight with you over this again, but if you're going to refuse trying a surgery, then you need to take better care of the one you've got left.”

Takasugi's frowning at him and the slight pause gives Gintoki time to watch the green eye watching him back. There's a faint white scar vertically on both lids and most people don't see it since they don't know what to look for. No one ever guesses that Takasugi only has the use of one eye, he hides it well and practice has made him efficient in terms of compensating his own weakness.

“You're really not going to fight me anymore?”

“No.”

“You sure? I kind of remember you saying something similar before our latest fight.”

“See, you never listen. I said I wouldn't bother you about it for awhile.”

Takasugi snorts. “That lasted two days.”

“Felt like longer to me. This time is legit, though, I'm done.”

“About time.”

“Yes, how awful of me to want you to be able to see with both eyes.”

“So this is the last time you're going to bring it up?”

“Yeah, I promise.”

Takasugi nods and Gintoki removes his hand. “But you've gotta take better care of it.”

“You're going to start another fight this way....”

“Okay, then I'll drop that as well if you'll humor me and be done for today with all this packing.”

“Deal.”

Gintoki grins. “See? Compromise isn't that hard!”

“Just tell me what you want for your meal.”

“If you don't wanna call out or pick something up, we could take a raincheck and I could make us something?”

“Trying to butter me up as an apology?”

“I don't remember apologizing for anything, you should get your ears cleaned.”

Takasugi leads the way into the kitchen and Gintoki starts checking out the cupboards and fridge for things. One of the bulbs overhead is out and Gintoki sighs because the whole _take care of your one goddamn good eye_ thing never seems to stick. He goes out into the storage closet in the hall and pushes a pile of stuff aside so he can get the door open. He finds the bulb he needs and returns to the kitchen, then flicks off the lights so he can safely change the burnt out bulb for the new one.

“How long has this been out?”

“Few days? I'm not sure.”

“If you're not gonna fix it yourself, call me and I'll do it for you, asshole.”

“It's just a light.”

“It's more than that,” Gintoki grumbles, but he knows Takasugi isn't listening.

Have a bad eye? Here's an idea! Keep the lighting really dim, that'll help!

Takasugi idly goes through his mail while Gintoki starts rummaging around in the cabinets once the bulb is fixed. He looks for expired things first because Takasugi likes to hang onto stuff like soups even after their expiration date because he considers them _still good_. That's offensive and Gintoki always looks just to make sure there aren't any lurking in some dark corner.

“Are you still seeing that guy?” Takasugi asks unexpectedly without looking up from his mail.

“The one you met at the restaurant?”

“Yeah.”

“Sorta, yeah.”

“You seeing anyone else?”

After what happened in that _fucking_ kitchen?

Ha.

“No, just him every now and then.” Takasugi doesn't say anything, but Gintoki glances at him and sees the slight rumple in his brow. “You're surprised.”

“A little. He's a dud.”

“No, I told you, he just wasn't expecting you,” Gintoki replies and finds some decent things in the fridge to work with.

“Do you like him?”

Takasugi's openly watching him now and that's never good.

Gintoki shrugs indifferently. “He's a decent lay.”

“That's deflective.”

“Zura would kill me if he found out I was telling you anything first.”

Takasugi huffs. “I take priority over him and that's still deflective.”

“It's not deflective. He's a decent lay and that's all there is to say.”

Gintoki keeps going about cooking and puts a pan on the stove to get it heating up. Takasugi's considering him, weighing his options, deciding if it's a good idea to press or not, and Gintoki steadfastly ignores him.

“Is Katsura going to call when he's done with his presentation?”

Gintoki gives no sign how relieved he is.

“Of course he is, but I have no doubt it went well.”

Takasugi throws out his junk mail and gets Gintoki a strawberry milk out of the fridge. “I've got more in the bottom drawer.”

“Damn right you do.”

The rest of the afternoon is pleasant and Gintoki ends up making them chicken and rice with a broth he'd been able to throw together. No more uncomfortable questions are asked and since they eat in the kitchen – the brightly lit kitchen – there aren't anymore squabbles about the whole eyesight thing. They talk, but it's all light conversation and when Gintoki leaves Takasugi to clean up, he packs up a few more boxes, forgetting completely that he's still wearing clothes that aren't his until he sees the discarded ones still on the floor.

“It's late,” Takasugi says as Gintoki tapes a box shut, “you should stay the night.”

“That sounds like a good idea, except your clothes have been too small for me for years now.”

“Never mind, you should go.”

“I was kidding! You're even more prickly about jokes these days, chill out already.”

They spend another two hours talking and fiddling with things and somewhere in there, Katsura calls. He gives a play by play of the presentation and Gintoki puts him on speakerphone so Takasugi can listen as well. Katsura sounds relieved and excited, almost breathless as the lingering anxiety concerning it burns itself off. It's late when they're through and Takasugi leaves to take a shower whle Gintoki readies himself for bed. He changes into some sleeping clothes – something of Sakamoto's had that been left behind at some point – and though Takasugi isn't back yet, he crawls into bed anyway. He stretches out over the large mattress and closes his eyes as he waits for Takasugi to come in.

“You look comfortable.”

“I am,” Gintoki responds and a small smirk touches his mouth. “Want me to be the big spoon?”

“If you want.”

“I might end up smothering you.”

“There's little doubt of that, my eye is the least of my problems when you're around.”

Gintoki outright laughs and it teases the faintest smile to Takasugi's lips – it's good to see, even if it only lasts a second.

-o-O-o-

Hijikata's desk is safely covered in roughly three inches of paperwork and Hijikata can't even bring himself to care. He'll take some of it home with him and the bulk of it will keep him busy for day. His meetings are done, none of them had been anything of interest and he felt they were just a waste of time, but he'll still be reporting it all back to his brother. He has lunch with Kondo, only because he'd promised, and it doesn't go too bad. His palms sweat for part of it, but mostly it's just a simple lunch and he gets to go back to work right after.

Sougo, unfortunately, has become a nuisance once again and while Hijikata isn't happy about that, it's nice to have that normality back into place. He doesn't want special treatment and he's tired of getting all the subtle little questioning looks from people – he'd hoped there wouldn't be a reason for him to be on the receiving end of such looks again. In his own way, Sougo is a good distraction and Hijikata takes pride in thwarting some of his little pranks. Paperwork, when it comes to Sougo, is what Hijikata thinks of as a lost cause and he doesn't even bother trying to talk to him about it.

Things today are easy, easier than they have been, and Hijikata's reluctant to say he's enjoying it, but truthfully, it's the reprieve he needs. He can just zone out, put himself into something routine and simple, and he unwinds. He doesn't relax, he hasn't done that in a long time, but his mind unravels some and the anxiety that had been clinging to him because of his brother has started to loosen its hold on him. He feels like he can breathe a little better and like the world is very slowly putting itself back into place.

There's a buzzing from under a stack of papers and Hijikata pushes them aside to uncover his phone. He'd put it on silent so it wouldn't startle him, but since it vibrates like a jackhammer, it ends up starling him anyway. Azumi's name is flashing on the screen and when Hijikata answers, he's surprised to hear Tamegoro's voice come through the line.

“ _Tosshi! You'll never guess!_ ”

Despite the fact that Hijikata knows Tamegoro's fine and that he sounds good, his heart still quickens.

“What? Is something wrong?”

“ _Not this time! I can't keep it in, I'm so excited!_ ”

“What is it?”

“ _Azumi's pregnant!_ ”

“She is?”

“ _We had no idea! She'd gained some weight in the last few months, but it wasn't anything all that noticeable. She went to the doctor today and found out she's four months along! Can you believe it?_ ”

“Four months?”

“ _Yeah! Some women apparently don't start showing for a long time and the doctor said everything looks good! Azumi's healthy and the baby is, too! You're the first one I've called, I can't even sit still!_ ”

“That's great, congratulations,” Hijikata says with as much excitement as he can muster. “I'm so happy for you.”

“ _You need to come over! We need to set up a dinner!_ ”

“Yeah, let's do that. I'll be by tonight.”

“ _Don't tell anyone at the office, I want to tell them myself!_ ”

“Okay.”

They say their goodbyes after a couple reassurances that Hijikata will be by and at what time he'll arrive. After he hangs up the phone, he stares at it for a few minutes, and then slowly puts it down so he can throw himself back into his work after an elongated pause.

-o-O-o-

Hijikata puts his keys on the table in his apartment and lets out a long breath. This whole day has just exhausted him and he's not sure how he's feeling. He's going to have a niece or nephew in five months or so and that's... good, but... he doesn't know. He _is_ genuinely happy for his brother and he's excited for them, but after spending a few hours with them, he's exhausted. So much socializing makes for a long day and he has made sure to bring plenty of work home with him. He goes into his room and when he sees Gintoki's light on, he pulls out his phone and sends a text.

 _Come over if you're free_.

It takes close to half an hour for him to get a response and by then he's immersed in a thick stack of paperwork. He stops and stares at Gintoki's fake name for a minute before sighing and flipping his phone open to read what the text says.

_I'm free. Be over in five._

**To Be Continued**

 


	10. Reasons Why Aero Will Permanently Be On the Naughty List: Chapters Like This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompts "Handcuffs" and "Leather" will be fulfilled in this for GinHijiGin Week =u=

[Art by: ](http://kvei.tumblr.com/) [Aga <3](http://kvei.tumblr.com/)

Hijikata keeps working, so much so that he loses track of time, and when Gintoki knocks, he gets up to answer.

“Woah, you look beat.”

“Not beat, just... really tired.”

“What do you think that expression even means?”

“Shut up and get in here.”

Gintoki sweeps inside and he hasn't brought anything with him. There's no bag this time and no new food for Hijikata to try, it's odd that he's so empty handed.

“Are all those papers for work?”

“Yeah.”

Gintoki whistles. “That's a lot.”

“I'm busier with my brother on leave.”

“Ah, that makes sense.”

Without preamble, Gintoki turns to grab Hijikata's hips and he squeezes them as he uses his thumbs to push Hijikata's shirt up just enough to touch his skin.

“Hope you're ready,” Gintoki says lowly with a light kiss to Hijikata's neck and starts pushing him back until he hits the counter. “'Cause I'm about to rock your world.”

Hijikata lets Gintoki push a leg between his own and he doesn't need to tilt his head because Gintoki's making plenty good use of the room he already has access to. Teeth nip gently and Gintoki's tongue soothes over the sting right after. It's just a flick, really, but it's enough to get goosebumps to break out over Hijikata's skin. While Gintoki's mouth is certainly plenty of a distraction, the hands on his hips are doing just as much damage to him.

Gintoki turns him around and presses him firmly into the counter to keep him trapped. This is what Hijikata had called Gintoki over for and so it's easy for him to ease into it. Sometimes, he's not good at relinquishing control and likes to put up more resistance, he's just not in the mood today. Gintoki thrusts forward, rocking Hijikata into the counter, and he can feel every bit of him. Hijikata has his hands flat on the counter and he uses the surface for some added friction.

“Ready...?” Hijikata doesn't want to reply, so he nods and then squawks when Gintoki steps away. “Good, but not yet.”

“A-are you kidding?”

“No, I'm hungry.” Gintoki goes over to the refrigerator and pulls out the eggs. “I've barely eaten today.”

Hijikata slowly turns around and waits.

He watches Gintoki put a pan on the stove.

Watches him put the eggs into a cup and scramble the yokes together.

It isn't until Gintoki's buttering the pan that Hijikata says, “You're serious.”

Gintoki glances at him coolly. “Ye...ah? What? Were you expecting me pour melted butter all over you and get off to dousing you in egg yokes?”

“No! That's disgusting!”

“Is it?” Gintoki goes back to tending the eggs. “Well, now I know food play it out of the question.”

“Asshole, it depends on the food and how it's played with.”

“Ah! So eggs just aren't your thing?”

Hijikata's shoulders slump and he stares with his jaw slightly dropped for a few extra seconds. “No. Eggs are for eating, not for... for... whatever the hell you apparently concoct in that fucked up head of yours.”

Gintoki laughs and Hijikata finally sits down, though, he does so stiffly since he's still half-hard and uncomfortable. He can't believe he just got shoved aside for some eggs. Scowling, he gathers the paperwork up and leaves only one small packet on the table for him to go through while Gintoki cooks. Everything else, he puts back into his bag to do later and crosses one leg over the other to hide the bulge in his pants. Gintoki has started humming to himself as he waits for the butter to finish melting and when it starts sizzling, he pours the beaten eggs into the pan.

“Do _you_ have a thing for eggs?”

“When I'm over here, I do.”

“That's a weird thing to say.”

Gintoki gives him a flat look. “Have you _seen_ your fridge? Do you ever open it? Are you even aware that such a thing exists within your apartment?”

“Of course! What the fuck?”

“All you have is old shit and eggs! Most of the time I have to _bring_ you food since anything we eat from in there,” he flips the fridge off with his right hand, “will either kill us or have us blasting out our insides from our assholes! I'm even risking my life with the eggs, but since you ate some the other day and are still walking, I'm deeming them safe!”

“You tested whether they're good or not out on me first?” Hijikata blurted incredulously.

“That hadn't been my intention at the time, no.” Gintoki moves the eggs around with a spatula and adjusts the heat. “It was more once I got back to my apartment and was crawling back into bed when it occurred to me that I might have just unintentionally poisoned you with your own shitty food.”

“So _that's_ why you asked me if I was alive....”

“Kinda, yeah.”

Hijikata leans his head back to momentarily glare that the ceiling. At the time, he'd thought that that text from Gintoki had been so random and strange. Knowing now that Gintoki had just been texting to make sure Hijikata hadn't been killed by bad eggs makes a lot more sense and he finds that so annoying. Gintoki keeps cooking and Hijikata eventually goes back to his packet, but since they're eggs, they don't take very long to finish. He dishes them out on plates and cleans up his tiny mess before brining Hijikata's food to the table.

“You didn't do anything to it, did you?”

Gintoki suddenly gives Hijikata the nastiest look.

“I would never,” Gintoki states, affronted. “I may be a sadist, but I don't do shit like that without consent, asshole. Even then, I'm not very into it.”

Hijikata's face goes hot with shame and he looks down with his head ducked.

He'd known that.

Even before he'd asked, he'd known the answer. Gintoki isn't like that, the guy would probably give the shirt off his back if it were asked of him. Gintoki goes back to finish whatever it is at the counter and while it doesn't seem like he needs Hijikata to say anything, it still feels like something needs to be said.

“That wasn't fair of me.”

Gintoki brings his food to the table and slowly sits down looking genuinely surprised.

“Yeah...” he smirks and kicks Hijikata's foot beneath the table, “but pretty soon I'm gonna be unfair, too, so let's call it even.”

“Those are two totally different kinds of unfair.”

“My kind is a lot more fun.” Gintoki uses his chopsticks to eat and when he looks back up to find Hijikata still staring, he asks, “Are you really sorry?”

“I don't remember ever saying I was sorry. I said I was being unfair and that's it, weren't you listening?”

“I was, but either way, you need to make it up to me,” Gintoki says and leans his head on his hand.

This feels like a trick or some kind of game and Hijikata doesn't know what to make of it. Immediately, he doesn't trust it, but he's also in no position not to play along.

“Do I?”

“Yeah. Come here.”

“I don't think so.”

“I wasn't asking.”

“I could hear, it's you're turn to listen. I said I don't think so, which is another way of saying no.”

Gintoki puts both hands on the table and stands. “Fine, I'll come to you.”

There's a slight smirk on Gintoki's face, like he's getting the utmost thrill out of this little game he has started, and Hijikata's invested enough to see where it goes. He's not the most cooperative of partners and he's shocked Gintoki hasn't lost interest in him yet considering his personality. Gintoki comes around to him and stops right next to him with very little space separating them. Hijikata doesn't look up at him, but he can't look anywhere else since Gintoki's crotch is literally right next to him. He settles for staring at his plate and it's strange to him to be so aware of another person – he swears he can feel Gintoki's heat coming off him.

“Undo my jeans, they're tight.”

“Do it yourself.”

“I want you to do it.”

Hijikata tilts his head and glares at Gintoki, but then he carefully situates himself so he can take hold of the hem. With fingers that may not exactly be steady, he uses his thumbs to press the two sides inward and pops the button of his pants. Gintoki smirks at him and that's really so irritating, but Hijikata slowly pulls down the zipper anyway.

“Anything else?”

“As a matter of fact –”

“Shut up, that wasn't an actual offer.”

“Then why'd you ask?”

“It was rhetorical! And why are you still standing here?”

“You haven't noticed yet?”

“Notice wh –” Hijikata cuts off and snaps his head up. “A-are those my boxers?”

Gintoki grins. “Maybe...?”

“Are these the ones you took that first morning?”

“Might be.”

“They are, aren't they?” Hijikata splutters and pinches Gintoki's stomach. “Give them back!”

“Right now? But I'm not done eating.”

“Tonight! You're such a thief! And you gave me a hickey that morning, too!”

“This is true, I can't deny.”

“Why _did_ you give me a hickey that morning?”

“Because I could? I could give you one now, too.”

Gintoki suddenly leans down and pulls Hijikata's shirt aside to attach his mouth to his shoulder. Hijikata feels the heat of his mouth and the wetness of his tongue just before teeth graze his skin. There's a slight sound from Gintoki's throat before he sucks and Hijikata jolts under the pressure. It takes only a moment for Gintoki to work a sizable hickey onto his skin and once he's done, he backs off to admire his handiwork.

He takes a step back, saying, “I kept it out of sight, don't worry.”

“I... wasn't,” Hijikata replies as Gintoki returns to his seat. “I don't think I like this.”

“That's a lie.”

“It's not.”

“You just don't like not getting what you want exactly when you want it.”

Gintoki sits down and starts eating his eggs like nothing happened and Hijikata shifts in his seat to try and make the tightness of his pants easier to endure. Picking up his chopsticks, he starts eating his own eggs just to have something to do and they actually taste really good. They're simple, lightly seasoned, and while they're not what he wants in this situation, they're a decent substitute. Gintoki eats without rushing, he eats like eating is the only thing he came over here for, and Hijikata can't help being frustrated.

“Oi, do have today's paper?”

Hijikata almost chokes on his food. “You wanna read the _paper_?”

“I just wanna check out what's happening, I feel I'm outta touch.”

“Well, too bad, I don't have one.”

“Eh, I'll live.” He takes a small bite and stretches his arms over his head causing his shirt to ride up, showing off his stomach. “God, I'm sore.”

Hijikata very nearly smacks his head into the table. Instead of looking like a lunatic, he finishes his eggs and cleans up. He makes a point to be loud about it as he does it in the hopes that Gintoki will speed up, but Gintoki remains resolutely set on one speed: too slow. Chopping his teeth, Hijikata grabs the paperwork he'd left out and starts going over it. Gintoki finishes maybe fifteen minutes later and he's like a sloth with how fast he cleans his plate and place at the table.

“Finished?”

“Almost, I wanna use the restroom. Do you have any mouthwash by chance?”

“There's some beneath the sink.”

“Thanks!”

Gintoki leaves and Hijikata tosses his hands in the air – this is _not_ what he'd summoned Gintoki for. He regrets the decision now and thinks that next time, he'll just use his hand and be done with it. Once Gintoki's out of the bathroom, Hijikata goes in to brush his teeth. If Gintoki's going to clean his mouth, then Hijikata has to do it as well. He exits the bathroom when he's done and heads for his room hoping to find Gintoki in there actually ready to get this over with, but the room is empty. He's about to turn around to look for him when arms wrap around his waist. He can feel Gintoki up against his backside and even though there's two pairs of jeans between them, he can still feel the very telling bulge of Gintoki pressing into him.

“You comfortable being tied?”

Hijikata leans back and thinks about it while Gintoki makes good use of the space on his neck. Gintoki isn't going very fast, he isn't rushing, and the gentle touch of his lips is reassuring. Hijikata relaxes against the wall and grabs onto Gintoki's hips as he thinks. He hadn't been ready for something like ropes before, but now? The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that the real question is whether or not he _wants_ the ropes this time.

“Not tonight.”

Gintoki gives no indication that he's disappointed by that, his lips haven't so much as stuttered in the trail. For Hijikata, that's a relief, he doesn't want to feel like things will get weird if he declines from what he thinks Gintoki might want. He _does_ want ropes... eventually, just not tonight and it's just nice to know that Gintoki doesn't seem to care when.

“Might be for the best, I don't think it'll take much to wreck you tonight.”

“I don't wanna think,” Hijikata admits.

“I'm good for that.”

“You're doin' a whole lot of touching without actually doin' much.”

Gintoki kisses his jaw again and smiles so _sweetly_ against his skin that Hijikata's stomach coils.

“Do you see this hand?” Gintoki asks as he slides his right one up Hijikata's chest.

“Yes....”

“Good,” Gintoki gives him a chaste kiss, “because this is the hand that's gonna make you _whine_.”

“I'll believe it if it happens,” Hijikata replies and holy shit, he's _hot_.

Gintoki pushes Hijikata into the room and lets go to pull at Hijikata's clothing. His shirt goes, then his pants, and Gintoki tells him to take off his boxers while he kicks his own pants off. There's finally some of the urgency Hijikata has been wanting, so he's quick to shove his boxers down. Gintoki's shirt hits the floor right after and Hijikata gets pushed down to sit on the bed. Gintoki's only wearing his boxers and he moves with purpose, like he knows exactly what he's doing.

“What're you doin'?”

“Keeping it simple, just shut your mouth and wait.”

The words would have sounded harsh were Gintoki not smirking the way he is. He pulls Hijikata's legs apart and he lets out a yelp, but Gintoki only reaches down under the bed to pull out the bag. He knows what a tease he is because he flashes Hijikata a grin with a saucy wink and Hijikata scowls. Gintoki pulls one thing Hijikata can't see out of the bag, then shoves it back under the bed. He puts the item in his boxers where Hijikata won't be able to see it, then spins in a quick circle.

“I need to borrow your handcuffs again, where are they.”

“...sure, they're in the top drawer over there.”

“Closer to the bed than last time.”

“Don't read into things that don't mean anything.”

Gintoki fishes them out of the drawer and motions to Hijikata to move. “Put your arms up.”

“Doing against the headboard again?”

“Yes... and no.” Hijikata lifts his hands once he has his back near the headboard and Gintoki fastens the handcuffs in place, but doesn't move away when he's done. “This is gonna be uncomfortable for a few seconds, but I'm sure you can handle it just fine.”

Before Hijikata can ask what he's talking about, Gintoki's pushing against him and forcing his body between Hijikata and the headboard. The movement pulls on his arms and he grumbles about it, but soon, he has Gintoki sitting behind him. Gintoki has gotten his head between Hijikata's arms, has a leg on either side of him, and his arms have encircled Hijikata's waist. There's still some strain on Hijikata's arms and shoulders, but it's not enough to make him uncomfortable and it leaves enough space for Gintoki to move his head forward to look over Hijikata's shoulder.

“This is... different.”

“Different is good.”

“Not always.”

“True, but this will be good.”

“I'll be the judge of that.”

Gintoki's hands have started moving up and down Hijikata's stomach in slow, teasing brushes of his fingertips. That by itself is stimulating enough to harden Hijikata's nipples and he lets out a slow breath through his nose in an attempt to relax further. He can feel the heat of Gintoki's chest against his back and though Gintoki's still wearing his boxers, the feel of his cock is still prominent and very distracting.

“Hold still.”

Gintoki reaches a hand back toward himself and when it appears again, it has something leather in it. Hijikata jumps as some lube gets drizzled along his half-hard length and his whole body feels coiled with anticipation. With both hands, lube now set aside, Gintoki fits a cock ring around him and Hijikata hisses as the cold metal of the ring touches his heated skin. The metal loop gets pushed all the way down around and passed his balls until it's snug against his body. A leather strap roughly two and half centimeters is attached to the metal loop by a small attachment and the leather part is pushed down until it's tight at the base of his cock. The attachment connecting the two pieces rests against the top and it's pulled taut leaving no room for movement.

“Too tight?”

“No.”

“It's always easier to give handjobs when it's like you're doing it to yourself,” Gintoki says and spreads the lube around with his hand as he starts pumping.

Hijikata rolls his head back against Gintoki's shoulder. “Guess I wouldn't really know.”

“Don't masturbate much?”

“Not really.”

“Me either, unless I have to. Sometimes it's better to just beat myself off so I can piss than it is to wait the morning wood out.”

“Amazing I'm still getting hard right now.”

Gintoki snorts and turns his head in more towards Hijikata's neck. “No, it's not. This makes you hot and you know it.”

“Listening to you talk about pissing doesn't exactly make my blood boil.”

Gintoki's hand doesn't move faster or slower, it keeps the same even pace, and his other hand hasn't stopped touching along Hijikata's lower stomach. This isn't something any of Hijikata's previous partners ever did, not even close, and it's... exciting.

“I can say whatever I want right now, you don't care,” Gintoki says and brings his hand up to gently circle Hijikata's left nipple. “You like this so much your asshole has probably already started clenching and before long you'll be thrusting up into my hand.” Gintoki kisses Hijikata just below his ear. “Too bad I won't be letting you cum for a long time.”

“How long is a long time?”

“You'll just have to find out, won't you?”

That's a really shitty answer, but Hijikata doesn't want to give him any satisfaction in letting him know that. Within minutes, Hijikata's hard and the lube makes lewd noises that go straight to his groin. He doesn't know what it is about that slick sound, but it always turns him on. It sort of reminds him of what it sounds like to have skin slap against skin when people fuck and it might just be built into human nature for him to react to it like this. Hijikata's soon sweating and he's doing his best not to twitch or move, but it's steadily getting to the point that he can't help it.

“Your leg is shaking a little,” Gintoki murmurs. “If you're cramping, I can stop so you can stretch for a few minutes.”

Hijikata grits his teeth – Gintoki knows damn well he isn't cramping.

“Mm... let's see what this'll do.”

With a twist of his hand, Gintoki changes both the pressure and the angle of his movements. Hijikata's back arches and he keens in the back of his throat without his consent. His handcuffs clank against the headboard in a sudden jerk and he starts to bury his fingers into the curly perm hair he can feel near his hands.

“S-shit –”

“Damn,” Gintoki goes back to the steady pumps and has his left hand pressed flat to Hijikata's chest just above his left pectoral, “your heart just went crazy.”

“Irrelevant,” Hijikata hisses.

He grunts when Gintoki tightens his grip and moves his hand up and down very slowly over the head. The friction has Hijikata's stomach muscles clenching and he can feel an orgasm building and as Gintoki's thumb brushes over the slit of his cock, he can feel precum dribble out. The cock ring is doing its job in restricting him, but it's not so tight that circulation is being cut off completely. He can feel himself throbbing and he turns his head hoping Gintoki will take the hint about what he's after.

“What? You think you get to kiss me just because you want to?”

A thrum of something with a name travels down Hijikata's spine and his orgasm gets closer. He keeps his noises as minimal as possible, but more and more he can't seem to pay attention to what sounds are escaping. He's too distracted by the warm of Gintoki's breath on his skin, the hand on his chest and stomach mapping him out, and of course the hand ceaselessly teasing his cock. More heat builds on him and his breathing becomes shallow, labored, he can't look away from Gintoki's hand. The tip of his cock is red and getting redder, and more precum drips off to join the small pool collecting in his sparse happy trail.

“You're so close, it must be getting painful,” Gintoki whispers.

Hijikata's to the point that he's having trouble staying still and it only gets worse when Gintoki's free hand comes up to brush Hijikata's bangs back and pet through his hair. It's such a weird thing for him to do and the angle is a little awkward, but it feels unexpectedly good. The room gets hotter and goosebumps break out on his skin in time with Gintoki's hand coming back down to trail gentle fingers along his stomach. Just as the pressure hits its pinnacle within him and he starts to stiffen, Gintoki's hand slows and squeezes tighter over the leather.

Hijikata lets out a strangled noise and watches through bleary eyes as his cock twitches and pulses to an orgasm he doesn't get. His body is so taut that he can't even breathe and it feels like something cold gets poured over him, but he doesn't get any cooler. If anything, more sweat covers him and the juxtaposition makes him tremble with a hard shudder.

“Ohh,” Gintoki moans softly, “that was a big one.”

“H-haah....”

That's all Hijikata can get out, that's the only sound he can coherently make other than a few cuss words that drop from his lips. Twice more Gintoki does that, works him up to an orgasm, then efficiently and cruelly denies him of it. He keeps everything slow, unhurried, and at one point takes special indulgence in teasing Hijikata's bellybutton. It's another one of those weird things that shouldn't turn Hijikata on, but inexplicably _does_ all the same.

“You wanna cum?” Hijikata groans and a fresh wave of heat ripples out over him. “Have you been a good boy?”

Hijikata's fingers have been twisted Gintoki's hair so long that they ache from it and he groans again as he nods. Normally, he'd be fighting this, but his cock is aching and his stomach hurts with how bad he wants to cum. He can't stop how much his legs are shaking and each time he moves his head, he's pressing against Gintoki's cheek with his sweat damp hair and skin. He doesn't _need_ to be kissed, but kissing is what he _still_ wants to do, it's what feels like they _should_ be doing when he's this desperate. And maybe that's just it, he's desperate, so he's craving any kind of touching that'll help get him the release he's needing.

“Say it,” Gintoki urges, “say you've been a good boy.”

“F-fuck you,” Hijikata hisses and hits his head back against Gintoki.

Gintoki's hand stops and he digs his thumb into the slit with enough pressure to make Hijikata keen.

“What was that?”

“M'not sayin' it,” Hijikata cries breathlessly and arches his back hard into the pained pleasure.

It's just a bunch of expletives in his head as Gintoki moves his thumb from side to side to dig his nail in even more.

“You've been pretty good, I guess, so I suppose I'll let you cum.”

Hijikata moans in relief and braces his feet against the bed as extra sweat gathers on his forehead with a thrush of heat. His orgasm is still right there, burning his veins, and he's so ready for release. Gintoki's hand starts pumping again and Hijikata feels himself respond immediately. The pleasure mounts and Hijikata's body starts to lock up, but right when it feels like he's going to climax, Gintoki has his hand tight at the base of his dick. His orgasm gets cut off, but his cock still twitches like he's cumming – just like all three times before – and it takes a moment under the blistering disappointment to realize he's making noises.

A lot of noises.

“Oops,” Gintoki says softly with sugar sweet innocence, “I lied.” He lets go of Hijikata and kisses the shell of his ear. “Here, this'll make you feel good.”

The lube gets procured again and he makes a thin line from the top of the leather to the tip of his cock. He flinches at first since it feels cold against his overly heated skin, but soon, Gintoki's hand is back and the heat of it feels scalding. His skin is so sensitive that he flinches and yanks on Gintoki's hair, but that doesn't earn him even a grunt from the bastard. The lube allows Gintoki's hand to slide easier over his skin and it's maddening, it feels so good that Hijikata's toes curl just with that stimulation.

It brings him close to orgasm faster and Gintoki must know it because he bites down lightly on Hijikata's earlobe. He strokes Hijikata more quickly, but not without some form of rhythm, and intentionally breathes a long breath through his nose right into Hijikata's ear. The sensation sends a hard shiver down Hijikata's spine and he moans louder than he has all night. Gintoki's other hand has stopped move, his arm is now wrapped loosely around Hijikata's chest with his hand turned up to scratch gently at Hijikata's collarbones.

When his orgasm hits, Gintoki keeps pumping and cum covers Hijikata's chest. His climax is so powerful that every muscle strains and the head of his cock turns a shade deeper than red into purple. He knows he gasps, groans, and cusses, but it's all drowned out by the sheer relief that he's finally cumming. Gintoki's hand slows and comes to a gradual stop, but regardless, Hijikata's still shaking. His nerves are shot and he feels half out of his mind with a zinging pleasure that keeps rippling through him.

“My, my, you've made a mess.”

It takes him a long moment to reply, “Wasn't t-that the point?”

“Yeah, but I didn't expect you to shoot your load almost up to your chin.”

Hijikata looks down and sure enough, he has cum almost all the way up his chest. He doesn't care, sex is messy, and in a way, in only proves to him that he just emptied himself of all energy he might have possessed.

“Okay, I get it, you can let me go now.”

“What do you mean? That's only one of three.”

Hijikata freezes. “T-three?”

“Yeah, maybe four depending on how you behave.”

“...I don't think I've got even _one_ more of those in me....”

Gintoki chuckles and Hijikata almost hates how his spent dick throbs in response to such a noise.

“Do you like this cock ring?”

“I... guess?”

“I like it,” Gintoki goes on conversationally. “The leather is really nice and the metal piece looks good, especially on you.” He reaches down and with the softest touch of the tip of his pointer finger, he follows the underside of Hijikata's cock up and down. Hijikata shivers as fresh goosebumps break out over his skin and his breath quickens shallowly. “I haven't even told you the best part.”

“A-and what's that?”

Gintoki lightly kisses Hijikata's shoulder and his fingers pause over a place on the leather near the right side.

“It vibrates.”

Hijikata can hear nothing over his own sounds as Gintoki suddenly turns it on.

**To Be Continued**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a special type of cock ring and I've written it this way on purpose! Most cock rings _should not be worn longer than 30 minutes!!_


	11. One Man's Junk is Another Man's Treasure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The struggle is real.

Hijikata's breathing so hard and his body is locked up to the point that no part of him doesn't hurt in some way. It's not an all consuming pain, but he's shaking and several of his muscles are cramping from being strung out so long. He has just cum for the third time and he can't take anymore. He doesn't know how long Gintoki has been making this drag out, he lost all sense of time he doesn't even know how ago, but he has reached his breaking point, so there's nothing more to do now except stop. Gintoki must know it, too, because he has already started being gentler and his teasing edge has dissipated.

“Hold on, this might be a little uncomfortable,” Gintoki says and takes off the cock ring.

It's not vibrating anymore and Hijikata flinches as the metal is carefully maneuvered off him. His skin is so sensitive there that every little touch sends jolts and shivers through him, he can't even bring himself to care that he's a _mess_. His chest is covered in his own cum, which is no longer warm, but sticky and drying. Hijikata squeezes his eyes shut and grits his teeth as Gintoki pulls the cock ring off the rest of the way and he can hear his own hands make noise by rattling against the headboard. He's aware of how hard he's still breathing, but Gintoki is a calm presence behind him that encourages him to relax.

“Lemme get your arms.” Hijikata feels Gintoki's hands at his wrists and moments later, the handcuffs fall away. His fingers are trembling and Gintoki keeps hold of his wrists so he can slowly lower Hijikata's aching arms for him. “Easy... not too fast....”

Hijikata's arms get lowered and once he can feel the bedding beneath his fingers, Gintoki's hands are following his arms back up. He's massaging into Hijikata's muscles and he groans softly because he doesn't expect it to feel so good. There's a definite strain remaining in his shoulders and he doesn't want to move any more than he feels he can actually do it. His breathing is tempering, but he keeps his eyes closed and focuses on getting control over himself. He's aware of when Gintoki uses something, maybe a tissue, to wipe up his chest and stomach, and he does nothing against it. He still feels gross when Gintoki's done and while he's shaking less, he's unable to do much more than he already is... which is nothing.

“You okay?”

“My entire body is made of jello.”

Gintoki licks Hijikata's shoulder and keeps his mouth pressed there. “Huh, doesn't taste like jello. Tastes more like sweat and like you've been totally fucked out.”

“You didn't even fuck me.”

“I told you all I needed was this hand,” he says smugly and slides it up Hijikata's chest.

Hijikata grunts, but he has no energy to retaliate more than just a feeble swat of a hand. Gintoki keeps running his hands over Hijikata's body and he's steadily unwinding, enough so that he can open his eyes. He hasn't been pushed like that before, no one has ever tested him to see how long he can last or built him up to his very limit so many times in a row only to tear him down before he can finish. This has been a first for him and while he knows he's going to be sore, he really can't complain about this kind of treatment. It's like with the candles, but simpler and equally satisfying.

“You know, I don't mind this position at all, but I'm having trouble feeling my ass at this point and I can't say I'm fond of that.”

Hijikata has to really gather himself before he can move and when he does, he feels like he weighs a thousand pounds. He leans forward and runs a hand through his sweaty hair as Gintoki wriggles out from behind him. It's only once he has sat up that he's aware of just how exposed he is and his face heats up. He uses the edge of the blanket to cover his lap and he glances quickly at Gintoki, who's not paying attention, from the corner of his eye. Gintoki's stretching and rubbing his lower back and that's when Hijikata spots his blue boxers. The back of his neck goes hot and he can't recall Gintoki ever reaching orgasm. He remembers feeling his erection against his back, but once that fucking vibrator turned on, his memory is fuzzy at best and all he remembers vividly is sensation.

“Did you...?”

“Eh?” Gintoki shoots him a look and Hijikata tips his head toward his boxers. “Ah! You didn't notice?”

“No....”

“Damn, I must've outdone myself then if you didn't notice _that_!” Gintoki barks out a single _ha_ and goes back to tending to his lower back. “Just know I'll be giving these back with a little more... spunk.”

“That's disgustin', at least wash them first!”

“They're yours, you can do that!”

With a laugh, Gintoki disappears out the door and Hijikata pulls his pillows over so he can flop back against them. He's starting to feel crusty from all the bodily fluids on himself, but it's really not the worst feeling when he's so sated. He looks over to the nightstand and he can see the cock ring sitting on a tissue. Now that he's able to see it properly, he can tell how the vibrator works and how it gets charged. If this is just one thing that was hidden away in Gintoki's bag, of course he's curious as to what else is in there.

“Much better,” Gintoki says as he reenters the room wearing only his jeans. “Before you ask, yes, I'm going commando.”

“I wasn't gonna ask.”

“Why not? It's a valid question.”

“Because I don't care, dumbass.”

Hijikata pushes himself up onto his arms and that's as far as he gets. If he moves anymore, the blanket will fall away and he doesn't have anything to cover himself up with to get to the bathroom. He's also almost too physically exhausted to really give a shit about cleaning himself up, that can wait until morning if it needs to.

“It's still early, you wanna have a drink? No offense, but you look like you could really use one.”

Hijikata shakes his head. “No, I think you should go.”

“Oh?”

“I'm tired, I just wanna take a shower,” if he can, he's probably going to have to force himself for this, “maybe do some paperwork, and then sleep.”

“You sure? I mean, I didn't fuck you, so I know you can walk just fine. Unless you really are so strung out that your legs are too weak to carry you.”

“Moron, it's nothin' like that, don't get full of yourself.”

“You... really want me to go?”

Hijikata's distracted with gathering the blanket around him more so he can get up. “We're done here, aren't we?”

“We could be or we couldn't be.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“Just because we're fuck buddies doesn't mean we can't just hang out, I've explained this to you before.”

Hijikata frowns. “I don't really do that with people.”

“You went to lunch that one day,” Gintoki says and picks Hijikata's boxers up to hand them to him.

“What a disaster that was.”

“Again, I didn't know they'd be stopping by and there's no way they'll show up here.”

“The answer is still no, I told you I don't wanna be friends and I meant it. I feel like we've had almost this exact same conversation before and I don't like repeating myself.”

Hijikata slips on his boxers underneath the blanket and once they're on, he works up the energy to get out of bed. His joints pop as he rises and he feels weak even though he knows he's not. He shakes his hair out and pushes by Gintoki to get out to the bathroom. He just feels too sticky and gross... he'll have to wash his sheets and blanket tomorrow after so much activity. Every one of his muscles feel like they're still under some strain and he wants nothing more than to submerge himself in some hot water until he loosens up. That's really what's getting him going right now, the thought of steaming in a shower and giving Gintoki time to leave.

“Should I stay to make sure you don't pass out in there?”

“No,” Hijikata scoffs, “I can manage.”

“Don't forget to hydrate!”

“Shouldn't you be gone by now?” Hijikata calls back before kicking the bathroom door shut behind him.

He sees himself in the mirror and he looks _terrible_. He's visibly filthy, his hair is matted and shiny, and on his shoulder he can see a big hickey that he honestly doesn't remember Gintoki leaving.

“Fuck you,” Hijikata mutters spitefully and leans in closer to inspect the red and purpled stain. “A-are those...? Those are teeth marks! What a fuckin' bastard!”

Quickly, he goes back to the door and flings it open only to find Gintoki reclined against the wall directly opposite with his arms crossed and a disgusting smirk on his face.

“I was wondering what you were gonna do when you saw that. Pretty nice, huh?”

“Pretty nice,” Hijikata echoes darkly. “Pretty _nice_?” He lunges forward and pinches Gintoki's left nipple between his fingers. “I'll show you _pretty nice_!”

He twists and Gintoki screams as he wilts against the wall, “Red light! Red light! Respect the safety words!” Hijikata lets go and Gintoki curls in on himself, then bursts out laughing. “I give you a hickey and you give me a titty twister? How's that a fair trade at all?”

“We never said anything about fair! Consider that payback for the first one, too!”

Gintoki rights himself and keeps both hands over his nipples, he also looks close to laughing again. Hijikata takes a few menacing steps toward him and he bolts down the hall to get away from him.

“You better be gone when I get done with my shower!” Hijikata calls and retreats to turn on the water.

He slams the door behind him and locks it just to be safe – Gintoki's just the type to get weird ideas. He sheds his boxers and when the water is warm enough, he steps inside. He takes a longer shower than necessary, but the hot water just feels so good that he can't bring himself to rush. By the time he's finished, he's covered in prunes and yearning for a cigarette. He gets out and dries himself with a towel that's hanging on a hook. He hadn't brought any clothes in with him, so he wraps the towel around his waist and heads for his room.

There's no sign of Gintoki, but when he walks into the bedroom, he finds his blue boxers positioned neatly on the bed like it's on display. He mumbles under his breath and picks them up carefully between his thumb and forefinger to deposit the soiled article into the laundry hamper. He drops his towel and puts on sweatpants and a white shirt that has a hole in it. He grabs his cigarettes and lights one up. After his first puff, he knows he should have had one right after he'd had his arms released because the little buzz the nicotine gives him is so good he moans as he exhales. He notices that the cock ring is gone and in its place is a glass of water that hadn't been there before – Hijikata rolls his eyes.

He spends an hour smoking and doing paperwork while occasionally getting up to stretch his tired body out. He keeps working his muscles and overall, he's fairly comfortable... but not completely. His body is wiped out, but his mind won't stop and he's already feeling unsteady. It's enough for him to make the effort to walk over to his window seat and move the cushions aside so he can grab the blue bottle hidden there. His palms start to sweat just seeing it and he wants to put it down again, but he doesn't move.

With both his mind and body taken care of, then he'll sleep well, it only makes sense.

Dumping some pills into his palm, he tosses them in his mouth and downs them with the glass of water Gintoki had left. He chugs half the glass in one go and then puts the bottle back in its hiding place so he can crawl into bed and sleep.

-o-O-o-

Hijikata spends the next week living two lives.

He feels like he's two different people – there's a day Hijikata and a night Hijikata.

Day Hijikata is the hard working and organized younger brother to Tamegoro. He's the guy that spends extra time with Kondo to make up for neglecting him and puts up the front that everything's fine, nothing has changed. It's as if nothing is amiss and everything is going as it should, he's a model worker, a good sibling, and a decent friend to a select and very small number of people.

Night Hijikata is a man of routine, a person of deceit, someone he hates, but can't live without. He hates that he can look his brother in the eye and so easily pretend like he's not up to anything, like he doesn't look forward to going back to his apartment at night so he can take a few pills and knock himself out. It's so easy when he's sleeping, he doesn't have to think at all, everything just fades away. There's no thinking, no dreams, he just shuts down and it's _quiet_.

He's not hurting anyone with what he does.

This won't be like last time, he's sure of it.

-o-O-o-

“How are we not done with this yet?” Gintoki wails as he hefts his finished box on top of another box.

Katsura leans against the box tower and points to the adjoining room. “That's how.”

Gintoki follows his finger and throws his hands up into the air. Takasugi is on his stomach with a blanket underneath him and a bunch of puffy pillows situated around him and Sakamoto is on his back using Takasugi as a cushion for his head.

“Oi! Asshole! It's a little rude to ask people for help and leave them to do all the work!” Takasugi lifts a hand and shows off a very perfunctory middle finger. Gintoki walks over and nudges Sakamoto with a foot, saying, “I expected more from you than this.”

“I can't be blamed for your expectations being too high.”

“What's the matter with you? You were ready to fight off an entire Hun army when you go here.”

Sakamoto laughs and gently grabs onto Gintoki's ankle. “Even loud people get tired eventually, I've had a long week.”

“I think we all have,” Katsura says and wraps a blanket around himself before sitting on Takasugi's other side. “We've almost gotten it all.”

“By we he means me and him.”

Sakamoto pulls on Gintoki's pant leg. “We get it, you work so hard, you're so underrated, we don't appreciate you enough, anything else you want to hear?”

“Stop it. I'm not coming down there, I refuse to use his ass as a pillow, he'll fart.”

“Fuck you,” Takasugi says, “my ass is too good for you.”

“I'm not even sure if my head will fit on that thing, it's so tiny.”

“I don't remember inviting any of you down here with me.”

“As if we need an invitation,” Katsura retorts as he turns on the TV with the remote.

“Down,” Sakamoto tugs harder on Gintoki's pants, “we've done enough for today.”

Gintoki finally lowers himself, but instead of settling next to Sakamoto because he wants to see the TV, he ends up using Sakamoto's stomach to rest his head. Katsura changes channel a few times and stops on a game show. Gintoki rubs an eye and bats at Sakamoto until he's handed one of the pillows that he wedges under his lower back. Katsura and Takasugi are talking quietly together and the sound of their voices is so familiar, it's soothing. He relaxes and tilts his head to the side just enough to get a whiff of Sakamoto's fading cologne.

“When do you head out again?”

“Next week sometime, I think on Monday.”

“Mutsu must love it when you don't know for sure. How's she doing?”

“Good!” Gintoki can almost hear his smile just by how his voice pitches higher. “You'll see her by the end of the month.”

“About time! I was beginning to think we'd scared her off.”

Sakamoto tugs on Gintoki's hair. “She eats pushovers like you for breakfast, she would never be scared off by the likes of you.”

“I'm not a pushover,” Gintoki snaps and writhes to get himself free.

“You're both _wriggling_ ,” Takasugi complains, “stop that.”

They hold still and Sakamoto whispers, “I think he had to go out and be _social_ today, so he's in a bad mood.”

Gintoki snorts. “When is he not in a bad mood these days?”

“He'll be better once he has his house back.”

“But then he'll just find something else to bitch about.”

“We should bet on what it'll be.”

“Count me in, three hundred yen says it'll have something to do with rising yakult prices.”

“Double or nothing it'll be about having to attend fundraisers.”

“You're so on,” Gintoki says with a smirk and flips a hand back to hit Sakamoto's chest, “you might as well just give me your money now.”

“Cricket!” Katsura shouts.

Sakamoto and Gintoki bends his head back so they can share a look and they both ask at the same time, “What?”

“That's the answer,” Katsura replies smugly and points to the TV. “Which insect accurately indicates the temperature? The cricket.”

“ _What is the most common blood type in humans?_ ”

“A positive!” Gintoki yells.

There's a pause, then Katsura says, “Type O.”

“I agree,” Sakamoto says quickly.

Takasugi adds, “It's obviously type O.”

“No! Fuck all of you! You can't wait for Zura to answer and just ride on his ingenious coattails! New rule, we all have to answer before Zura does!”

“I second that,” Katsura says, “but we should decide what the prize is going to be so I know what I'm going to be getting.”

Sakamoto's stomach puffs up beneath Gintoki's head, so he knows what's coming before it happens.

“Hell no!” Sakamoto booms. “Now it's the three of us versus you!”

“That's not fair!”

“All in favor?”

“I'm for it!” Gintoki announces.

Takasugi sighs. “Well, someone needs to get those two idiots some points, so I'll go along with this one.”

“Fine,” Katsura agrees airily, “it's not like this will change the outcome. The grump can keep score and I've got the remote to pause it if you guys need more time to come up with an answer.”

“You're so going down,” Gintoki mutters.

“We'll get him this time,” Sakamoto whispers and wraps an arm around him to pat his chest.

He keeps his arm there and Gintoki focuses on the TV as it comes back from commercial. The host talks a bit and makes some jokes, but then gets back into the questioning to keep the game going.

“ _If you suffer from pogonophobia, of what would you have a fear of_?”

Katsura chuckles knowingly, Sakamoto's fingers dig into Gintoki, Takasugi grunts, and Gintoki already has the sinking feeling that they're fucked.

**To Be Continued**

 


	12. The Problem With Vocalizations is That Once They're Out, They Can't be Taken Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you're going to mess something up, you should go for broke and just fuck it up as spectacularly as you can //jazzhands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Aga, I hope you've read your email! I mean every word of it and really just kinda love you a lot. And by kinda, I mean really super definitely (/∇＼*)｡o○♡

**Art by:[Mikansei](http://mikansei.tumblr.com/)**

Weeks have gone by.

 _Weeks_.

Hijikata gets so caught up in his new routine that he doesn't notice the time slipping passed. Everything is going well for him and he has nothing to complain about. Work keeps him busy, his brother and Azumi are blissfully happy, Kondo is content, Sougo is mostly preoccupied, and there's nothing more Hijikata can really ask for. Things are fine with the exception of possibly one thing: a natural perm.

Gintoki is... an indulgence at best.

Hijikata still sleeps with him from time to time and the sex is _good_ , but Hijikata has steadily been putting the breaks on that. There's no use allowing something that's not going anywhere to continue for as long as it has. He has survived going long intervals without sex and he can go back to doing that. Gintoki has at least provided a decent distraction from his previous norm, but now he's too far away from what he's comfortable with and that's unacceptable.

Over the past several weeks, Hijikata has been pulling away more and more. He restricts Gintoki's visits, kicks him out – most nights – right after they have sex, and he makes sure that they only come together to have sex. Hijikata isn't demanding of the physical contact, so he has only been allowing it twice a week at most. He can't believe he even allowed Gintoki to sleep over before, the idea seems ludicrous now that he's looking back. On top of reducing the amount of times they sleep together, Hijikata has also been weaning off how far they go. He figures that if he cuts Gintoki off from a viable outlet and doesn't let Gintoki experiment or use that stupid black bag of his, then he'll lose interest and move on by himself.

The problem is that Gintoki hasn't commented on Hijikata's distance and doesn't even seem to be bothered by it. He still texts Hijikata, still comes around; he does all the things he usually does and Hijikata can only determine that Gintoki's too dense to take the obvious hints. One of the biggest issues with this is that he and Gintoki aren't together, so it's not like they can break up, and they're not strangers, so it's difficult to just _stop talking_. Hijikata's doing the most natural thing he can by lengthening the intervals in which they meet up and hoping it'll die off that way.

He'll be fine when it happens and they'll be better for it, too.

-o-O-o-

“Are you doing anything this weekend?”

Hijikata doesn't look up from his paperwork. “You more than anyone should know that I don't do things if I can help it.”

Tamegoro laughs softly, but there's no humor in it as he responds, “Yes, I'm well aware. Will you come over tomorrow, then?”

“Before I say sure, I have to ask what for?”

“Moving some stuff around.”

“Ah, and the wife still won't let you do too much heavy lifting,” Hijikata surmises.

“You don't know the half of it, she's on the rampage. No parties, no drinking, no working out, no lifting a finger around the house,” Tamegoro ticks each thing off with a finger. “She's pregnant, yet I'm the one that's not allowed to do anything. She chased me into our bedroom with the broom the other day when I went to do a load of laundry. She even threatened to lock me in there if I didn't promise to take a break!”

“I believe you're ranting, brother. It's so unlike you.”

“I have a right to rant, I'm frustrated.”

Hijikata finally finishes writing his last statement and looks up. “You only have another couple weeks of taking it easy, don't you? Isn't that what you said?”

“Yeah,” Tamegoro gives him an odd look, “I said that last week.”

“It has been busy around here, you know that. The days are starting to run together. Anyway, another week of her worrying and then you'll be in the clear by the doctor. If you're expecting me to be on your side with this, then I've got a surprise for you.”

Tamegoro's frowning down at him. “Are you alright?”

“Me? I'm about as good as I can be,” Hijikata replies and the lie slips so easily off his tongue with no small amount of guilt. “You're the one that has been going around scaring the shit out of people.”

“Right... it's just, you haven't mentioned anything about having to go to the hospital.”

“There's nothing to say. You were there and that was where I needed to be.”

It's best to make this straightforward and make it seem like the words don't taste like bile at the back of his throat. He faces the conversation head on, he meets Tamegoro's gaze, he doesn't look away or give any indication that his insides are twisting in on themselves. Hijikata knows he's an easy person to read most of the time, he knows that he can't typically hide things worth a damn, but everyone has their secrets and this is one he has no intention of giving up willingly. He's not hurting anyone, anyway, so he's allowed to keep this for himself.

“Yeah, but that wasn't easy for you.”

“Now you're just being ridiculous,” Hijikata scoffs. “It wasn't a difficult decision for me and you were discharged so quick after that, neither of us were there long.”

“Kondo said you haven't talked to him about it.”

Hijikata rolls his eyes. “I know you do that shit sometimes, but you shouldn't be talking to him about me like that.”

“We're both just worried.”

“I get that, so hopefully you can understand why I'm starting to get annoyed. Your trip to the hospital was _weeks_ ago,” he elucidates and it takes a great deal from him to remain calm as he speaks. “I don't have a calendar in front of me, but I want to say it has been close to two months since then. You're back to work, your wife is pregnant, I'm the same as I was before, what more do you want?”

Calm.

He keeps his hands where Tamegoro can see them, he makes sure his fingers aren't curling or twitching, and he does his utmost to stave off the amount of irritation wanting to creep into his voice. He allows some of it to be heard, it'd be wrong if he were _too_ calm, so he finds and maintains a believable balance.

This is what day Hijikata is good at and what night Hijikata doesn't have to worry about.

“You're right,” Tamegoro deflates, “sorry. I think all of Azumi's worrying is rubbing off on me.”

“I hate to tell you, but you don't get to take your frustration out on me.” He has to change the subject. “How's Azumi doing?”

“Excited. She doesn't need me at all, she has everything figured out including her diet.”

“Don't be so hard on yourself,” Hijikata teases, “she needed you for one thing, at least.” He waits for Tamegoro's brows to scrunch in confusion. “There's no way she could've gotten pregnant on her own.”

“True,” Tamegoro concedes and his shoulders shake in a silent laugh. “That's very true, but now that I've played my part, she has everything else covered.”

“That's just the kind of person she is, you're very lucky.”

“Another truth. So, will you come over this weekend?”

“Sure, but the moment she starts bossing me too much I'm gone.”

“Yeah, right,” Tamegoro retorts because they both know that's not true. He kicks off the desk and calls over his shoulder, “I'll call you with a time!”

That night, Hijikata does his routine and quickly finds that it's not enough. He gets drowsy, but it doesn't shut him down as he needs and he's not about to wait. He goes to his liquor storage and downs a few more pills with a mouthful of something that's strong enough to make his eyes water drinking it straight. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, Hijikata shuts his eyes and waits for the concoction to kick in.

-o-O-o-

“One more time!” Katsura throws his notebook at where Gintoki's standing and crosses his arms. “Oh, come on, you can do one more!”

“Absolutely not. My throat hurts, I'm tired, it's near dinner time, I'm hungry, Elizabeth is getting restless, and at this rate I'll be hoarse by morning.”

“Taken out of context, that sounds like you're having a great time.”

“Smack yourself,” Katsura says flatly and pulls his legs up to fold them underneath himself. “You're too far away for me to do it, so please, do us both a favor and smack yourself nice and good for that one.”

“Not a chance, I refuse to reprimand myself for a proper witticism.” He sticks his tongue out in the face of Katsura's scowl and smiles. “Sit tight, I'll get something that'll put you in a better mood.”

Gintoki makes his way into Katsura's kitchen and he's so familiar with it that it doesn't take him long to do what he needs. In less than ten minutes, he's walking back out with something in each of his hands.

“Here,” Gintoki says and holds out the cup of tea.

Katsura smiles as he takes it and breathes in the steam coming off the top. “My favorite.”

“Did you want any snacks to go with it?”

“No, this is fine.”

“What happened to that debilitating hunger?”

“It's still there, but if you recall, I said it's _almost_ dinnertime. You know if I eat too early then I'll just get hungry again in the middle of the night.”

“I could still get something that'll hold you over.”

“Tea is enough.”

Gintoki sits down and while tea isn't his favorite, one cup every now and then doesn't bother him. Katsura drinks his cup with reverence, like that single cup alone is his only saving grace against all things dark and evil in the world. It had taken Gintoki years to get the tea right and he hasn't gotten it wrong since, but he still watches Katsura's face when he takes his first sip every time just to make sure. They talk a bit and Gintoki easily relaxes into the familiarity of it. He has spent countless hours at Katsura's place and it's more of a home to him than his own apartment.

Even as they talk, though, Gintoki can tell that whatever Katsura has been keeping from him all day is about to come forward. He has noticed something off about Katsura for the last couple days, but he hasn't said anything. He was going to give Katsura until the end of the week to come clean before Gintoki asked about it.

As it turns out, he doesn't have to wait that long.

“There's something I want to show you.”

Gintoki warily watches Katsura get up and rummage around in his bookshelf before extracting a small object. Masking his emotions very carefully, Gintoki displays nothing more than abundant interest when Katsura sits back down next to him and holds out a box.

“Why, Zura!” Gintoki gasps after he opens it and feigns a swoon. “You shouldn't have!”

“Moron, this is serious.”

Sobering, Gintoki nudges his shoulder into Katsura's and smiles. “She's gonna love it.”

“You sure?”

“Now who's being a moron?” Gintoki chides and moves his arm up around Katsura's shoulders over the back of the couch. He lifts the ring up higher where it sits in the palm of his hand and inspects it once more. “This is gorgeous! I'm a little surprised you already have the ring, though.”

“You're not upset, are you?”

“What – why the hell would I be?”

“I don't know,” Katsura laughs breathlessly and shakes his head. “I've been thinking too much, probably.”

“Sounds about right. How long have you been agonizing over showing me this?”

“I only lasted three days and it would have been two if you weren't busy yesterday. I just saw it on my way to meet her and bought it on the spot. When I saw her later on, she asked me twice if I was feeling okay.”

“Unbelievable,” Gintoki shakes his head and keeps smiling. “When are you gonna ask her?”

“I have no idea. This was step one and I haven't thought about the rest yet.”

“You do realize that you're gonna have the most legendary bachelor party of all time, right? I'm just warning you now in case you don't already know.”

“I'm well aware,” Katsura says and there's a laugh buried in his voice. “With friends like you three, I fully expect the worst. However, there are going to be some ground rules for this one. We can't have things exploding or catching on fire this time.”

“But this our first bachelor party....”

“Don't look at me like that! Nope! That face isn't going to work on me, don't even try it!”

Gintoki laughs around the hands on his face and whines, “But Zura!”

“It's not Zura, it's Katsura! You can throw me a party, but you can't overdo it!”

“I don't know what that means! I never overdo anything!”

“You're a liar!” They're scrambling against each other and Gintoki has his hand tight around the ring box so he doesn't drop it. It's so heavy in his hand, much heavier than it actually weighs, but even still, he protects it from any potential harm. “Never overdo anything! Ha! I thought Tatsuma's last birthday party was going to bring the building down!”

“That wasn't intentional!”

“You say that every time something gets out of hand!”

“Because it's the truth!”

Katsura finally gives up trying to smother Gintoki and sits back with an attractive flush in his cheeks. Gintoki's grinning and for the moment, he can forget about the uneasiness tying his intestines into knots. He glances down at the ring and it must have cost a lot since it's so delicate, finely carved, and lined with precious yellow stones that have to be genuine – he can't imagine Katsura settling for anything less. With care, he closes the box and hands it back to Katsura.

“I'm happy for you,” Gintoki says softly and means it.

“I know.” Katsura pats Gintoki's thigh, then leans forward and picks up his cup to finish his tea. “I'll be sure to inform you when I'm about to ask her.”

“Yeah, do.”

Katsura takes a deep breath and steals his resolve. “Okay! Now that that's out of the way, let's finish perfecting this speech and call it a day.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Gintoki picks up his cup and as he stares down at it, he gets an idea.

He doesn't question it, though a part of him tells him that he should, and the idea itself helps drive off the hollow feeling that's threatening his wellbeing. Gintoki wraps things up with Katsura and leaves with a warm hug and a murmured congratulations. After that, it takes him over an hour to finish everything he wants and he's actually feeling good about it once he's done. He doesn't know how this is going to be received, but as each moment passes, he's looking more forward to it. It's a risk and it's something new – the anticipation is maddening.

Swallowing, he knocks on the door in front of him when he gets to where he's going and waits.

Hijikata appears and frowns at him. “What do you want?”

“Nothing much, I brought something for you to try,” Gintoki replies and holds up the bags he has in each hand, grinning.

“You never texted.”

“Considering you do the same thing every night, I figured it'd be a safe time to stop by. You gonna let me in or what?”

Sighing, Hijikata abandons the door and walks back to where he's set up at the table with all his many papers. The hollow feeling is still a portentous weight inside Gintoki, but it's easier to ignore now that he's here because that feeling is being overrun by nerves. Hijikata is distracted, so Gintoki is able to set everything up on the table with just one grumble from Hijikata telling him to not move anything too much. He's really engrossed in work tonight, not that Gintoki minds, and he takes it upon himself to refill Hijikata's drink and make one for himself. He can honestly think of nothing better right now than a big glass of booze to take the edge off, so that's what he indulges in. He doesn't know exactly what liquor mixture is in Hijikata's glass, so Gintoki just gives him what he's making himself and he doesn't think it's going to matter.

“Food's out,” Gintoki says as he sits.

Hijikata glances at the box in front of him and picks up his chopsticks to eat. Gintoki takes a huge swallow of his drink and openly watches, waiting. It's nothing extravagant, just some tonkatsu with a side of miso soup and a serving of unagi since he'd had the ingredients there to throw that together. The last thing he puts out is an entire container of mayonnaise and he isn't at all surprised when that gets upturned over the food. A big dollop of it even gets dropped into the soup and Hijikata stirs it to encourage it to loosen and disperse. He slices off a piece of the pork cutlet and after dipping that in some mayonnaise, he pops it into his mouth.

Hijikata chews and his eyes widen fractionally, he even stops working for a second.

“Mm... this is good. Where's it from?”

Gintoki suppresses a smirk and responds quietly, “I made it.”

“You did not.”

“I did!”

“Are you... sure?”

“Yes!” Gintoki beams and feels good enough to start eating what's in front of him. “Had some time today.”

“This is good enough to be in a restaurant.”

“It kinda came from one. Ikumatsu always lets me use her kitchen when I want.”

“And she is... of course...?”

“You don't remember? You met her.”

Hijikata blinks. “I did?”

“When we went out to eat, she was the woman that came up to our table,” Gintoki explains.

“Oh, okay.”

That's all he says before he goes back to alternating between eating, reading, and drinking. He sometimes takes a pause to write something down, but mostly he's doing the former three and not paying Gintoki much mind. That's fine with him, it gives him a chance to eat and unwind to the beat of the alcohol flowing through him in increasing quantities. He put a lot of care into this meal, cooking always helps him calm, but even as he eats, he can think of things he'll differently next time.

“I'm not in the mood for sex,” Hijikata says after awhile without looking up.

“That's fine, that's not why I came by.”

Hijikata's brows go down so far that his whole forehead wrinkles. “Then why are you here?”

When put like that, he doesn't know anymore. If anything, he feels a bit foolish for this and the unexpected tinge of shame doesn't sit well with him. He finds out his friend is planning to propose to his girlfriend sometime soon and his first instinct is to come here to woo a guy that has made it clear – repeatedly – that this is only sex. Gintoki isn't stupid, he can understand that well enough, but there have been little glimpses of something more that have _gotten to him_ and he'd thought for a moment – deluded himself, really – that he hadn't been alone in that.

A bitter sense of self-deprecation slams into him and he hides it behind a smile, saying, “Just made more food than I could eat myself and didn't want it to go to waste.”

Hijikata makes a disapproving face and to Gintoki, such an expression is basically calling him an idiot, which he can't deny. Hijikata stares a moment longer, then brings up his paperwork again and eats as he reads. Gintoki bites his lip and berates himself for being every part the sentimental ass that he is. Every single one of his friends have warned him about this particular flaw of his, but as he watches Hijikata subtly through his lashes, he isn't quite convinced he's making things up. Sometimes he can romanticize stuff, but with this... he really doesn't think he's deceiving himself too much.

Gintoki doesn't know what he and Hijikata even are. Hijikata insists they're fuck buddies, but for the past several weeks Gintoki hasn't felt like that title is entirely accurate. They're less than dating, they're more than fuck buddies, and that's all he knows.

He continues to watch Hijikata eat and work and there's no denying how attracted he is to the man. Hijikata, without really seeming to know it, is quite the eye catching individual. He's severely rough around the edges, but when he shows who he really is, whenever it can manage to seep through to the surface, he's a rather stunning person. Gintoki understands self-defense and he understands even more what it means to act one way, but feel another. He can see that in Hijikata and Gintoki has also seen the type of person Hijikata is beneath all the stubborn grouchy standoffishness.

He wants to see more of the person underneath and that alone has given him every amount of patience he needs. Trust isn't going to come easy, whatever Hijikata has been through has seen to that, but Gintoki wants it enough to wait for it. The revelation that he wants more from Hijikata than just an excellent fuck hadn't been easy to come to terms with, but he's here, he's trying, and he's hoping that Hijikata might eventually take notice.

Now isn't the time to bring any of that up, of course. Hijikata must be having an off couple weeks or something because he's different than before and has been for awhile. Gintoki can only guess that Hijikata's extra stressed at work or maybe he's still worried about his brother. He wants to ask, but with the mood Hijikata's in, he's only going to get snapped at and he doesn't want that.

He's going to give Hijikata some space and hope things get better.

For now, he enjoys both the company and the companionable quiet that helps keep the hollowness at bay.

-o-O-o-

A couple weeks later finds Hijikata at work and wanting nothing more than to press his face into his desk. He has a headache the size of the nearest planet in the solar system and it has been sticking with him for the last three days. It doesn't get in the way of his work, but it's wearing on him. He'd take painkillers, but he isn't sure how they'll effect him and he doesn't want to experiment with that while he's out of the apartment.

Eyes flicking around the inner office, Hijikata's pleased to see that it's mostly empty. Now is as good a time as any to slip away for a bit and so he makes his way out back where he'll be alone. There's nothing unusual about him doing that and his last break had been approximately two hours ago, so he isn't worried about acting or looking suspicious. He does this all the time, why would anyone question it?

Once outside, Hijikata reaches into his back pocket and pulls out the eyedrops he has hidden there. He tilts his head back and puts a few drops in each eye to stave off the redness he knows is lurking. His sleep cycle has been getting all kinds of fucked up and it's leaving his eyes bloodshot and angry looking. The drops help cool them and after the initial burn, the relief comes enough to make him sigh. He's very careful about this regime – if his brother or Kondo notice, he'll have more questions than he can answer.

It wouldn't even be a big deal if the redness happened to be there just once a week or something. He gets bloodshot eyes from smoking too much sometimes and no one thinks anything of it, but his eyes are glaringly red _every_ day now. He can't blow that off as too much smoke, that's the same excuse way too many times, it'd draw attention to him. Lack of sleep has made him extra paranoid and he's very aware of that because he has to be. If he lets something slip through the cracks, not only will his whole routine be ruined, but he'll have to see the disappointed look on his brother's face.

At all costs, he can't have that.

So, he sneaks off regularly to take care of his eyes and does a check to ensure there's nothing obviously askew about him. Of everything in his life right now, work is the least of his worries and it offers a blessed constant. It's not always easy, but it's there and it challenges him while also giving him something to put his time into. Paperwork and reports are never lacking in his field, so there's plenty to keep him occupied and give him all the excuses he needs for many occasions. It still gives him something to take home with him, too, so he's grateful to the endless supply of rhythmic monotony that helps him keep his head straight.

He smokes a cigarette while he's out and cloaks himself in the familiar scent. The more he reeks of tobacco, the easier it'll be to get people to believe his eyes might be irritated because of it should they comment on the redness. He actually has several answers prepared if anyone asks and he won't be caught off guard by any similar line of queries.

Hijikata finishes his cigarette and stamps it out beneath the heel of his shoe. He takes a deep breath and goes back inside to head to the restroom. He's tired, like always, and he knows that that fatigue likes to settle itself in the lines of his face if he's not careful. This is likely the fifth time he has gone to the bathroom today, but he has made sure to drink a lot of coffee to add credibility to his many visits.

After checking that all the stalls are empty, he looks at himself in the mirror and is pleased to find that the bloodshot veins are well contained. He turns on the cold water and cups his hands beneath it so he can bend down and splash some into his face. He's quick about it to increase his chances to be done by the time anyone walks in. The chill of the water helps wake him up a bit more and he leans on the sink as he studies his features. He doesn't look as tired as he feels and his eyes aren't sunken in, which is a relief. There aren't any dark circles along his lower lids and the only sign of his habits can be seen in his dry lips. His whole mouth is dry a lot, but his lips are typically chapped and it's definitely not something anyone will take notice of.

Satisfied, he straightens up and sucks in a breath as his vision swims. He fights against the lightheadedness and focuses hard on the faucet until it passes. He takes several deep breaths as he collects himself and wipes the water from his face with a paper towel. Those little spells happen from time to time, but they pass quickly, so he's not bothered by them. Similar things happen to people all the time from crouching and getting up too fast, it's completely normal.

Hijikata returns to his desk with everything in careful order and picks up where he'd left off. The headache is still there, but the edge of it has been taken off from the cigarette and that makes it slightly more manageable. He works for an hour before he's approached by someone and even though he'd much rather avoid encounters with others, he can't be anything but than pleased to see his brother still up and moving.

“This has been the busiest week,” Tamegoro says and takes a seat on the corner of Hijikata's desk. “I'd complain if I didn't love doing it.”

“And your enthusiasm keeps me employed,” Hijikata replies and taps a stack of papers meaningfully.

“I've always liked giving you things to do.”

“I know,” Hijikata says and shoots Tamegoro a glare. “If you think I've forgotten the time you sent me after a five-leaf clover and told me I wouldn't be allowed to have dinner until I found one, you'd be very wrong.”

Tamegoro laughs until his eyes gloss over with mirth. “Oh my god, that was so funny! You came back covered in dirt and close to tears with three four-leaf clovers clutched to your chest!”

“I was not close to tears! I was just hungry and – oi! Stop laughing! I was _six_! You should be ashamed for taking advantage of me!” Hijikata pauses and scowls. “I wasn't kidding. Really. You can stop laughing now.” Tamegoro covers his mouth and shakes his head, but the laughter still comes. “If you ever wonder why I'm bitter and mistrustful, this is why. This right here. And you're... still laughing. Okay, I'll wait.”

“Sorry!” Tamegoro gasps and gets a handle on himself. “Sorry... I – sorry. I'd just forgotten that. You never did tell on me.”

“I didn't know you'd done something mean, I was just glad to have dinner and figured if I told someone, then I'd be sent back out until I found the five-leaf one.”

That almost sends Tamegoro into another fit of laughter, but he stifles it behind a hand even though his eyes are absolutely shining with glee.

“You were the cutest kid.”

“Don't you dare ever say that out loud again.”

“I'm not going to apologize for that one. You doing anything later?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary. Why?”

“Azumi wants to go out and we invited some friends to come along. Why don't you come out with us? It'd be great to have you there!”

“Thanks, but not tonight,” Hijikata replies casually. “Maybe next week.”

“That's what you said last week when the coworkers wanted to go have a drink. Kondo had really been hoping you'd join them.”

“I know, I already made amends with him. As for tonight, I'm just not in the mood.”

“You never are,” Tamegoro says with a quiet laugh that's edged with a fond exasperation. “You need to get out more, I don't think I've ever seen your skin so pale.”

Hijikata raises an arm to inspect it. “I wouldn't call this pale, I get plenty of sun during my walks. You're just trying to guilt me into saying yes and it's not gonna work. Besides, I was just at your house helping you move stuff.”

“Yeah, a couple weekends ago.”

“We see each other almost everyday here at work.”

“It's not a bad thing to want to spend time with you.”

“No, it's not,” Hijikata agrees, “but it's bad when you try and guilt me.”

Tamegoro raises his hands. “Alright, alright, you've got me. Just put some thought into saying yes next time.”

“Will do, now go work or something. Be useful.”

Tamegoro departs with a pat to Hijikata's shoulder and the day carries on as it should. Kondo comes over for a talk close to the time Hijikata's set to leave and he gets through that okay. It's a lot of the same, people seem to like to harp on him about being more active and it's starting to get on his nerves. It's beginning to take considerable effort to act like himself and the urge to smoke more and crash into bed to escape by way of sleep only gets stronger.

Hijikata's head is pounding by the time he's back at his apartment and now that he's here, he finds some painkillers. He swallows them with water, then goes to the kitchen to make a drink and settle in for the evening. His eyelids feel heavy and today's routine has thoroughly sucked him dry of all his energy, he's absolutely exhausted. He hasn't woken up feeling rested in a long time, but he's sure that soon, he'll get a solid night's sleep that will set everything right – he just needs to continue being patient.

With that in mind, he wanders into his bedroom and goes to his window seat. He extracts the bottles from their hiding spot and tilts a couple of each into one of his palms. An early night's sleep isn't going to hurt him and he can only think he'll benefit from it at this point. The weekend is just a couple days away and if he wants to make it there without his body betraying him, he has to get some cautionary sleep. He takes the pills with his liquor and knows that that'll settle him down shortly.

The knock on the door is as startling as it is unwelcome.

Quickly, Hijikata looks around to make sure there's nothing left out that shouldn't be seen and his heart is suddenly racing. Everything looks as it should, but he spreads the paper he'd brought back with him out on the table to make it look like he'd been interrupted from working. He'll be sitting down with them soon anyway, so it's not technically a lie. With everything set, he goes for the door and opens up only to purse his lips unhappily.

“What're you doing here?”

“I texted you,” Gintoki says and pushes his way in. “You didn't answer, but your light was on, so I decided to come over anyway.”

“I didn't hear my phone,” Hijikata says and has to look for it because he doesn't remember where he put it. He finds it beneath some papers and flips it open, muttering, “Ah, so you did. I must've been... in my room.”

“You eaten yet?”

“Wh – well, no, but – get out of there! You can't stay, I'm tired and don't... you're not listening.”

Gintoki closes the fridge with a carton in his hand. “What's with you and eggs? It's like the only thing you ever have in there.”

Huffing, Hijikata sits heavily in his chair and his head gives a throb. “I don't know.”

He doesn't remember buying them and he's tempted to say those are the same eggs Gintoki made him... how long ago? He doesn't recall.

“Why don't you ever sit on the couch?”

“Hm?”

“The couch,” Gintoki points to it, “you always stick up for it, but then I never see you actually sitting on it.”

“Better lighting in the kitchen.”

“I guess... but you could just get a brighter lamp for in there.”

“It's fine as it is.”

“If you say so.” He cracks some eggs into a bowl and starts whisking. “I see you're still doing the pencil pusher thing.”

“Shut up.”

Hijikata looks down at his papers and he distantly wants to change into some pajamas, but he can't summon the energy. He can feel his head starting to go fuzzy and that's alright, that's what he wants. He's glad that he at least had the state of mind to bring his drink to the table and he takes in a mouthful of that to encourage the nebulousness. Gintoki's already working the stove and he's humming to himself, but it sounds far away. Hijikata picks up a couple pages and then searches around the table and in his pockets, but doesn't see what he's looking for until he glances up again.

“Oi, gimme that pen there on the counter.”

Gintoki hands it over and says, “If you need anything else, I'm your man-friend!”

Hijikata's already engrossed in his papers and absently frowns down at them. “Man-friend?”

“Well, the way I see it, we're not dating, so I can't be your boyfriend and I don't see you tolerating the term lover, so, I figured man-friend is a good compromise.”

The hairs on the back of Hijikata's neck prickle.

“Wha –”

“I mean, I'm really just your fuck buddy, as you keep insisting. Fuck buddy with the luxury of having somewhere to fuck, which is here at your place while we pretend my place doesn't exist and lucky for you, I've taken a liking to your apartment.”

Peeking over the top of his papers, Hijikata raises a brow as his speeding heart takes residence in his throat. “How does that make me lucky?”

“Because I'm easy to deal with,” Gintoki says, topping off Hijikata's glass with booze before flitting back off to the stove like it's the most natural thing in the world to be here. “I clean up after myself –”

“T'ch,” Hijikata grunts, eyes back on the paper, but he isn't seeing the words.

“– most of the time. You should've let me finish. Really, overall, I'm pretty cleanly, you can't discredit me for that.”

“Is there a point to all this?”

“I'm working my way up to it.”

“Make it quick.”

“But build up is important!”

“It's a lot less important than you think.”

“Just listen!” He can see Gintoki wave the spatula at him out of his peripherals and he raises the papers higher. “Besides being clean, I can cook, which is a bonus. Everyone likes a guy that can work his way around the kitchen.”

“I wouldn't exactly call cooking different styles of eggs talented.”

“You shut up! It's very talented! And I brought you stuff I made a couple weeks ago! I'm... a little offended you've forgotten, actually,” Gintoki adds thoughtfully and he doesn't sound upset about it. “Anyway, I'm convenient, easy to get along with, I'm dangerously charming, you've never met someone with a sense of humor better than mine, I'm sure –”

Hijikata slams the papers down on the table, snapping, “Make your point!”

Gintoki stands frozen with his spatula raised and he blinks a few times. “Come over.”

“What?”

“To my place.”

“Why in the hell would I do that?”

“Because we're kind of a couple.” Hijikata's eyes stretch wide and Gintoki shifts his weight. “Aren't we?”

“No,” he states definitively.

He doesn't know why he'd let Gintoki in or why he'd thought he could make it through a meal in the condition he's in. This is his apartment, he's supposed to be safe here, but Gintoki has made it decidedly unsafe. On top of that, everyone has been pushing in on him from all sides. His brother in trying to get him to do one thing, his friends another, and Gintoki in more ways – it's too much. It feels like no matter what he does, he can't please anyone without them asking for more, more, _more_.

More than he has to give and more than he's capable of giving.

“I think you should leave now.”

“You're upset,” Gintoki observes. “I didn't think that'd upset you so much.”

“Which just proves that you really don't think,” Hijikata bites back and sways enough as he abruptly stands that he has to clutch the table to steady himself. “I'm going to my room to change and I expect you be gone by the time I come back out.” It's a threat he has given Gintoki before and since he has been ignored on previous occasions, he feels the need to add lowly, “I mean it.”

Gintoki grabs onto Hijikata's wrist, stopping him. “I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone like this.”

“Too bad I'd rather be alone,” Hijikata replies, yanking his wrist away forcefully.

“Could you at least – oi!” Gintoki pulls Hijikata back and steps in front of him to bar his way. “At least say we can talk this out later.”

“There's no need for that, there's nothing to talk about.”

“I think there is.”

“Why?”

“Well, you're acting... weird.”

“Even if I were, how is that your problem?”

“So, you _are_ aware that you're being really unstable right now, right?”

“I'm not unstable! You've outstayed your welcome, so leave already!”

“I don't understand, why the hell is it such a bad thing for me to give a shit about you?”

“Because I don't want it! I don't need it! This,” he motions between them, “is only about the sex and you know that! I dunno why you're tryin' to make this more than it is!”

Gintoki grabs Hijikata's biceps to stop him once more and searches his face. “Forget about that for a second, you're really not yourself!”

“I'm fine, asshole! How many times do I have'ta say it?”

“You can say it as much as you want, I'm not gonna believe you! You should see yourself, you really don't look so good!”

Panic grips Hijikata to his core and he shoves Gintoki away from him.

“I _never_ asked for any of this!”

“You did when you invited me into your bed!”

“That wasn't an invitation into my life! You are just a fuck! I know you're a dense piece of shit, but I said it's only about the sex enough times to make sure it got through to you!”

“I don't buy that!”

“Why the fuck not?”

“Because I think you could like me and that terrifies you!”

Hijikata recoils as if he has been struck, his eyes wide and shoulders pinched up.

“Get out,” he seethes.

“No! I'm not leaving until I know you're gonna be okay!” Gintoki raises his chin stubbornly, but his expression softens. “If you really don't want me, fine, but you're – look at you! Something isn't right!”

A cold, lurid fury shudders down Hijikata's spine and flows through every vein. Gintoki's too close, he's seeing too much, and Hijikata's desperate to keep his secret safe. His hands shake, his head pulsates viciously, and he knows he has lost control of himself and the situation completely.

“I guess I'll have to spell it out for ya then! You. Are. A. Mistake!” Hijikata explodes, taking care to enunciate each word clearly and concisely so the idiot will be sure to understand. He advances on Gintoki and lashes out at him, shoving him away so hard he trips and falls back on his ass. “I regret everything! I should never have let you in, I should never have shown you anything about my life, I regret every goddamn thing about you!” He takes a meaningful step forward and with each step, Gintoki scrambles backward out of his way until his back hits the wall. “You're so pushy with all your stupid fuckin' questions! My life is none of your fuckin' business and you were only ever a distraction to me! A _distraction_ , you got that? You're _nothin'_ to me! Is that clear enough for you, bastard?”

Hijikata's breathing is ragged when he's finished and his vision is cutting in and out, but he can still see the way Gintoki's looking up at him as the silence stretches.

“You're... such a fucking asshole,” Gintoki says finally. He looks away and slowly leverages himself enough to stand. “I shoulda known, really. You couldn't even pull your head outta your goddamn ass long enough to realize that I bottom, too.” He makes a soft noise in the back of his throat. “I don't know why I thought... never mind, I'm leaving.”

He speaks with such deadly calm that it completely offsets the way Hijikata's fighting for breath. The words barely register and Gintoki seems so far away even though he's now standing just across the kitchen.

“Get out,” Hijikata says again, his hands trembling at his sides and his eyes unfocused.

The last thing Gintoki does before he disappears is turn off the stove and in less than a minute after the door clicks shut, Hijikata has collapsed on the floor with the wall at his back and his aching head between his hands.

**To Be Continued**

 


	13. Chances Often Present Themselves in the Darkest Hour

**Art By:[Erengelion](http://erengelion.tumblr.com/)**

Hijikata wakes up with a killer headache and a stiffness in his body that's so prevalent it's painful. He has only a sketchy recollection of the night before. He remembers the pills, he remembers drinking, he remembers the cold kitchen floor... and that's the first thing that doesn't make sense. He had passed out on the floor, he knows that,he remembers thinking about how much he'll regret that in the morning, so the soft mattress beneath him doesn't add up and he panics.

Opening his eyes too quickly, he shouts against the sharp throb of his headache and covers his face with his hand. His heart is racing and his mind is being overrun by all the worst case scenarios he can come up with. Did his brother find him? Why hasn't his phone gone off? What the _hell_ happened last night? Has he been found out? Is he even in his own apartment?

His other arm flails out to find his phone and he hits something off the nightstand, he hears it slide and thud against the carpet. He finds his phone and there's a lot of relief that comes with holding it in his palm. It means that he's in his apartment and that his phone is where it should be, but there's still the problem of how his phone got there because he doesn't remember ever plugging it in. Everything is way too normal, so normal it's _wrong_ , and Hijikata can't be bothered to care when he forces his eyes open to look around. His eyes burn and the light, what little there is, is way too much, but he's so panicked he barely feels his headache.

As it turns out, it's a glass that he'd knocked off the nightstand and the water that had been in it has spilled everywhere. There's a pill on his nightstand as well and he suspects there used to be more because there's no way one painkiller is going to be of any use to him. His hand must have pushed the other one or two pills off when he'd been searching for his phone. The now singular pill is sitting on top of a note and instead of easing his panic, the handwriting makes him even more unsteady and filled with dread. It's not his brother's writing and it doesn't belong to Sougo or Kondo or anyone he can immediately place.

Glancing around the room, it's definitely his and everything is as he'd left it from what he can tell. He checks his phone for messages and there's nothing waiting for him. He turns off his alarm because it's going to start blaring in five and the sound might just break his brain with how fragile it is. The water, the note, the meds, the bed – they all mean something put together, but Hijikata can't get the pieces to fit yet.

Carefully, he gets out of bed and goes to try a new perspective. He takes to standing in his doorway and he looks around in the hopes that that might trigger a clearer memory from the previous night. All his belonging are as they should be... but there's one blemish on his otherwise untampered with room. He doesn't even notice it at first since it's such a small thing, but once he realizes the black bag is missing from underneath his bed, his gut rolls and he wonders what's even going to come up if he pukes since there's nothing in his stomach.

He remembers now, vaguely, it's all coming back in fragments. He still doesn't recall how he ended up on the bed or any of that, but he knows Gintoki had left and he hadn't left with any kind of bag on his shoulder. With his limited mental facilities, Hijikata can put together that Gintoki left and then he must have come back. The handwriting has to belong to Gintoki, he had to have been the one that put Hijikata to bed and left out the painkillers. The missing bag says a lot, it means that Gintoki has no reason to return and while Hijikata should be relieved he doesn't have to deal with that whole thing anymore, all he feels is empty.

He hates himself for this, but before he can help himself, he's diving right for his window

seat to make sure his stash is still there. Did Gintoki go through his stuff? Did he find the bottle? Did he take it?

Some of the questions get stalled when he finds his partial bottle of meds and he heaves out a massive sigh. This is pathetic, his behavior isn't right or healthy, but he doesn't honestly know what he'd do without this bottle. Gintoki might have found it and left it, possibilities like that are still wavering through, but the tiny and quiet rational part of him is telling him he's getting worked up over nothing. If Gintoki had found the bottle, assuming he'd actually gone looking for something, then he wouldn't have left it and might not have even known to think anything of it. A random bottle of sleeping pills stuck in some cushions doesn't really mean anything, it could have just fallen there or something, there's no way Gintoki would be able to make the leap from connecting a random bottle of pills to something more.

Hijikata's hands are shaking as he sits down on the bed and everything feels so out of place even though it's all pretty much how he'd left it the day before. He's not awake yet, he's crashing a little bit, and it's still early, which explains why his head is still so groggy and fucked up even though he'd gotten some sleep. Everything starts coming back to him in little snippets as the fog begins to lift and the more he remembers, the more horrified he is.

His phone being on his nightstand makes him wonder something and so he picks it up to check his theory. His hands are now shaking so bad that he finds it difficult to navigate through his contacts, but he presses on because he needs to know now. In his search bar, he types Ian and nothing comes up. His breaths come harsher with trepidation as he tries Gintoki or Sakata to see if either will bring something up, but they don't. Next, he flips through every contact he has, which isn't all that many, and he thinks he might just start having trouble breathing when he hits the bottom and doesn't see anything that might be Gintoki. He checks again, just in case, but there's nothing, the number isn't in his contacts anymore.

Devastated, Hijikata stumbles to the bathroom and he feels like he's going to puke because of a wave of nausea and having way too many feelings all at once. There's a split second during the journey where he thinks he might not actually get sick, but that's a load of shit and he soon finds himself on his knees in front of the toilet heaving up bile. He pukes until he's just spitting and he doesn't feel any better afterwards. Flushing the toilet, he gets up and before he can reach the sink to splash some water on his face, he's stopping as if he has been struck.

The painkillers he'd used the night before are sitting on the counter where he'd left them. The cabinet he'd gotten them from is still slightly ajar and beneath the bottle is another note that reads: _Do_ _not_ _mix with alcohol again._ Hijikata reads it over three more times and he's starting to get an idea of what happened. He knows Gintoki left, Hijikata had watched him leave, but he hadn't taken the black bag with him that time. So that means Gintoki had come back and he'd found Hijikata passed out on the floor. He'd put Hijikata to bed and then must have gone in search of painkillers for him only to find the bottle Hijikata had left out on the counter.

Hijikata moves away until his back hits the wall and he stands like that, staring at the note. His panicked heart eases slightly and he lets out a startled breath through his mouth. Gintoki had known Hijikata was out of sorts last night, but he doesn't know about the sleeping pills, he just thinks Hijikata had only mixed alcohol with the painkillers. It's an easy enough mistake to do that and it's not a stretch for Gintoki to connect the dots that way. It's true, it's what happened... except, Gintoki doesn't know he's missing a piece of the puzzle.

“He doesn't know,” Hijikata whispers to himself in astonishment and puts his trembling hand over his mouth.

He leans more heavily against the wall and he can't believe it. Gintoki doesn't know about the sleeping pills – Hijikata's secret is still safe. He knows his brother hasn't been informed or contacted, too. He knows this because had Tamegoro gotten word about anything like this going on, he'd already be here and he isn't, which can only mean that he hasn't been told. That's perhaps the biggest relief of all and it's thank to that piece of information that Hijikata's slowly able to begin getting a grip on himself.

Pushing off the wall, he picks out a couple painkillers and takes them using some water from the sink. He knows he won't be able to function without them in this state and he still has to get ready for work, so that's what he sets about doing. There's nothing he can do regarding Gintoki and he has to get to work – that's all he has to focus on right now.

-o-O-o-

Nearly two days pass and Hijikata isn't doing well.

At this point, him not doing well is a given, but this is different than before.

Hijikata stares at the paperwork on his desk and he's not seeing any of it, his mind is on Gintoki again. He can't get himself out of the loop he's in and he goes from angry to miserable to somewhere in between within seconds. He's sure he's a mixture of emotions at all times, but he can't keep track of it anymore. It's messing with his work and with all the effort he's putting into looking normal, it's just exhausting him even more.

He's cutting corners, getting sloppy, and someone is _bound_ to notice how many times he disappears throughout the day to collect himself. He goes out back or to the bathroom and he has even started going to odd places like the supply closet just for a moment alone. He's falling apart and the fear that someone will find out is so consuming that it's yet another reason why Hijikata can't sleep at night.

In the last day and half, Hijikata has remembered everything, every last detail, that happened that night with Gintoki and now he can't get it off his mind. He once more doesn't recognize himself. It'd been so easy to think he could focus on work, but he can hardly string two thoughts together without Gintoki crowding in on him. It's really no wonder Gintoki had grabbed his bag, deleted his number, and left, Hijikata certainly doesn't blame him. The extra stuff, the thoughtful shit, pisses Hijikata off because what kind of moron tries to take care of someone that hurts them?

Hijikata stares down at his hands and they ball up into fists as he recalls what it'd felt like shoving Gintoki down. He'd yelled at Gintoki, belittled him, made him crawl on the floor like a dog, and _still_ , Gintoki had put him to bed and left something to ease the headache in the morning. Who does that? What person in their right fucking mind does that for someone who's so cruel to them? Hijikata doesn't even understand what Gintoki sees in him! Gintoki had very clearly been asking to date him before the fight and Hijikata truly can't fathom it. He hasn't done anything in the time they've been together to suggest he wants a relationship or that he's even good enough for one. What does Gintoki possibly see in him that makes him think that the two of them dating is a good idea?

It's not like he'll get the answer to that now. He has no right to ask and any chance of them dating went flying out the window right around the time Hijikata had lashed out. He'd never seriously considered it before because he'd always thought of it as something that would never happen since it could never happen and now.... Hijikata shakes his head and tries to go back to his paperwork.

“Hey,” Hijikata startles and looks up at his brother, “can I sit?”

“Go ahead.”

Tamegoro pulls up a chair and sits across from Hijikata. He looks somewhat grim and the muscles in Hijikata's back lock up because he's expecting the worst, as he always is anymore. He was able to avoid Tamegoro pretty well yesterday, but that's only because Tamegoro had been out on calls. Today, he's around the office more and there's nowhere for Hijikata to hide.

“I've been watching you the past few days and you don't look well.”

“Y-yeah, I'm just tired.”

“It's more than that, I can tell.” Hijikata nods and he has known since the beginning that he can't hide this forever. He told himself the pills would just be a temporary thing, but he can't fool himself anymore and he obviously isn't fooling anyone else, either. He has to face the music now and come clean to his brother so they can try and figure out a way to move forward. Hijikata doesn't want it to be this way and already the weight of failure feels like it's crushing him – he can't believe he has managed to let Tamegoro down like this for a second time. “I didn't want to say anything, but... did something happen with Gintoki?”

Hijikata's face goes slack and he says too quickly, “I don't know what you mean.”

“Toushiro.” Hijikata goes even more rigid while panic wraps itself around his heart and squeezes in a way that's becoming achingly familiar. “I know.”

“You know... what?”

“That you've got something going on with Gintoki.”

Hijikata feels the blood drain from his face. “W-w –”

“Little brother of mine,” Tamegoro interrupts affectionately, “you can't fool me. You would _never_ let some random stranger crash on your couch.” Hijikata's mind scrambles to come up with something to say, but Tamegoro goes on, “I wasn't sure if it was more than that, but then he came to the hospital and Azumi told me about how he treated you... I don't want to push you, but if something happened or you're having trouble being with someone, I can help.”

“Thanks, but I think I'll handle this on my own.”

“That's fair, just don't forget I'm here.”

“Yeah, no, I won't. Thanks.”

He's able to change the topic after that and once he has the chance to get away, he's escaping outside. He puts himself in the alley where no one can see him and he hits the back of his head against the building. He can't fucking believe this. The whole thing is so tangled and it was never supposed to be this way... he doesn't even know how it turned into this so quickly. Gintoki thinks Hijikata had been dumb and mixed alcohol with painkillers and Tamegoro thinks he's just having relationship issues – miraculously, neither of them have any idea what's really happening.

That's both a good and bad thing for him and it's laughable that he's skating by under the radar like this. No one knows, no one even suspects, and his hands are trembling again. There's nothing and no one to stop him and he can't stop himself, not when he's this far into it. The next time Hijikata goes too far, he might hurt his brother or Kondo or do irreparable damage to himself.

He needs _help_.

And Gintoki is the only person he can turn to for help on this.

He knows he can go to his brother and Kondo would be understanding, but he doesn't want to put them through this. They've dealt with enough because of him, asking for more would just... he can't do it. The more he thinks about it, the more repulsed he is by the idea of going to them. Hijikata has already fucked up with Gintoki and there's no chance of them dating now, so asking for his help doesn't seem so out of reach. Gintoki had helped him the other night after he'd passed out and Gintoki had had no reason to do that. He knows Hijikata is messed up and that something's off with him, so maybe that'll play into convincing Gintoki to help him.

He needs to apologize, too. The guilt he's carrying around won't abate unless he apologizes and makes things right or at least clears the air between them. He can't let Gintoki's last memory of him be him yelling and shoving him down. If Hijikata were himself, he'd never have done such a thing... or he wants to think he wouldn't. He doesn't know himself anymore and his head is so clogged, he can't separate what's real and what isn't. Whatever good qualities he once possessed seem so far away, he has no idea why his brother and Kondo stick with him and try so hard for him.

Hijikata has a cigarette to help calm himself and it's barely enough to get him through the rest of the day. By the time he's headed back to his apartment his anxiety is so high he can't hold still and he's terrified of what the night will bring. There's still no light in Gintoki's apartment and no sign that he has been there – Hijikata knows because he looks frequently. The curtains are still in the same position and to Hijikata, it looks as deserted as it had been the day before. It worries him, but there's nothing he can do about it.

Tomorrow he'll try to find a cellphone number and if that doesn't work, then he'll have to call the apartment complex and see if they can offer any information. He's going to find Gintoki one way or another – he has to.

-o-O-o-

Each day, Hijikata thinks about Gintoki more and more; he remembers little things and big things, neither of which he can get away from. Yesterday had been awful and unsuccessful. Gintoki's records hadn't given him anything substantial because Hijikata doesn't know enough about him and as a police officer, he can't abuse his power. Calling Gintoki's apartment complex had offered nothing because of business and client privilege. Hijikata isn't doing an investigation for work, it's a personal one, so he can't flash his badge and break into that privilege no matter how badly he wants to get in contact with Gintoki.

Last night had been horrible, one of the worst nights so far, and Hijikata has barely slept. The amount of bottles he has bought is sickening and it's even worse that he has to buy different forms just for them to have any affect on him. Anymore, sleep is a dissonance between slumber and wakefulness. He's always caught in a place where he feels awake and his thoughts are his dreams. There's no such thing as sleeping the night through or having a dreamless nap, he's only ever either awake or having a fitful drug induced nightmare where he wakes up just as exhausted as before.

So, yesterday had been a complete bust and today, Hijikata's trying his best to formulate new ideas. It's not going well and he's an absolute mess, but he's not giving up. There's a coffee stain on his white shirt, his desk is more cluttered than it has ever been, his thoughts don't connect very well due to exhaustion, and Gintoki is constantly on his mind. Every time he tries to get things sorted so he can be productive, he can never finish or he gets sidetracked.

He rubs his face with his hand and more glimpses of Gintoki press in on him. He remembers his old pros and cons list and that whole thing seems so stupid now that he knows what kind of person Gintoki is. Never once has Hijikata felt unsafe with Gintoki, not when he was tied or held down; no matter what, Gintoki has always taken care of him both sexually and domestically. Gintoki's the one that made sure Hijikata ate something, he was always bringing something over or making something for him. Hijikata recalls the pizza they'd eaten in bed and how at ease he'd felt about the whole thing.

Throughout everything, Gintoki was considerate and tolerant of all of Hijikata's bullshit. Hell, Gintoki couldn't even suggest taking Hijikata somewhere without getting flack for it. Hijikata doesn't remember their outing to the restaurant entirely well, he mostly remembers being anxious and uncomfortable, but Gintoki had been in tune with that and had offered for them to leave. Gintoki always pushed Hijikata to do things with him and try new experiences, but he never _made_ Hijikata do anything. Hijikata squeezes the pencil in his hand and he knows he's _such_ an asshole. Someone wants to spend time with him just for the sake of spending time with him and he goes and does what he did, like having such a good person in his life is the end of the world.

Gintoki broke Hijikata's routine with something _good_ and he destroys it. Not only that, but he might just destroy himself completely one of these days if something doesn't change.

Checking the time, Hijikata takes a deep breath and gets up. He has been waiting until noon to try out his next idea and if this doesn't work, he'll have to brainstorm something else. Since he's running out of options, Hijikata braves returning to the restaurant Gintoki had taken him to. He doesn't want to go, he doesn't want to be seen or have to interact with anyone, but he's so desperate he's really scraping the bottom of the barrel. So much so that by the time he enters the restaurant – which takes him awhile to find – he's overheated and sweaty. He looks around and it feels like everyone is staring at him. It's not true, but it feels that way and all he wants to do is retreat to someplace isolated. Also, he's painfully aware of the stain on his shirt, which he keeps forgetting about.

“Hello again.”

Hijikata turns to a man sitting at one of the tables and he recognizes him as one of the people Gintoki had introduced him to. However, he doesn't remember his name. He rattles his brain to try and put a name to the face, but nothing is coming to him except the stupid long hair nickname. He can recall the lunch, he'd been aware of Gintoki for the most part, but everything else has escaped him because he hadn't been paying attention. He'd been focused on other things, like not wanting to be there, getting back to work, how he was going to get through the night... but that's it. He does remember that this man had had his hair in ponytail the last time they'd met, but that's the extent of Hijikata's memory regarding him.

“Hi.” He approaches the table and looks around hoping Gintoki might come walking out of the bathroom or something. The man at the table has papers and various things spread out over the top and it doesn't look like anyone is sitting with him since there isn't enough space for a second person. “I'm looking for Gintoki.”

The man motions to the room. “As you can see, he's not here.”

“Yeah, I – have you seen him recently?”

“Of course, I see him almost everyday.”

“So he's okay?”

“You've got a lot of nerve to ask that,” he replies coolly.

“Listen, I need to talk to him. How can I reach him?”

“For you, I'd say he's unavailable.”

Hijikata's jaw clenches. “That's not an option! He hasn't been coming back to his apartment and his number isn't listed! _Where is he_? Is he with one of you or maybe – maybe he's with staying with relatives right now?”

The man's face changes then and he goes from politely tolerant to openly annoyed. His brows come down and he frowns in such a disapproving way that Hijikata feels a fresh wave of anxious heat flush through his body.

“Did you really just ask if he has _relatives_?”

“Y-yeah...?”

The man shakes his head in disbelief. “You two slept together for _months_ and you don't even know _that_?”

“I didn't –”

“I don't want to hear it,” the man interrupts. “Whatever you have to say, I really can't tell you how much I don't want to hear it. I tried to keep an open mind about you, but then I met you and I didn't like you. I didn't like the way you treated us and I didn't like the way you treated him, either. I warned him to be careful, but he kept insisting there was a lot more to you.”

He shakes his head and Hijikata swallows loudly – he doesn't mean to, but his mouth is so dry. It's obvious the man has more to say, but he seems to be at a loss for words and Hijikata can't provide any.

Well, he can't provide anything except the obvious.

“I hurt him.”

“Yeah, you did.”

“If I can just –”

The man's eyes flash. “Just what? Talk to him? He hasn't told me what exactly you did, but I think you've done enough.”

“That isn't for you to decide!”

“Isn't it?”

“No!” Hijikata's anger comes in a torrent and it's mostly fear that's making him snap. He doesn't have to explain himself to this guy or anyone else, there's no way he'll understand even if he wanted to. “This is between _him_ and _me_! You weren't there, you don't know what happened, and you don't know anything about me!” If people weren't staring at him before, then they are now and he's aware enough of it that he makes an effort to lower his voice. “I just want to talk to him, that's it.”

There's a soft shuffling and a duck raises its head from the man's lap and rests its head on the table. Its dark eyes stare at him and Hijikata can't believe he even forgot about the fucking duck. Who the hell forgets about a man that has a _duck_?

“A stirring speech,” the man replies flatly, unimpressed, “but there's no way I'm letting you anywhere near him.” He lets out a breath through his mouth and shakes his head as he runs his fingers down the duck's neck. “I'd like it if you left, please.”

Hijikata wants to tell him that this isn't how he wants it to be and that he hadn't meant to hurt Gintoki, but it won't do any good here. His face colors in shame and he can't think of anything to say; coming here had been a mistake. With everyone's eyes on him, he leaves and he catches sight of a familiar blond woman watching him from a partially open door that leads back to the kitchen.

Ducking his head, he escapes outside and his breaths are coming out in harsh bursts. He's furious that such a bastard has the nerve to talk to him like that, but he's just as angry that it makes sense. Gintoki's friends hadn't liked him and yet Gintoki had defended him to them, then Hijikata had turned right around and proved to Gintoki that he's every bit as terrible as his friends think he is. He's assuming Gintoki's other friends hadn't liked him, but it's a safe assumption since he'd been a particular asshole that day... just like most other days with Gintoki.

He wants to blame it on the pills, but it's not that simple. Hijikata has been closed off to other people for so long that he can't recognize good things when they happen and Gintoki's friends have a right to be protective. It's a bitter realization to swallow and he hates that that man has formed this negative opinion like it's some sort of fact. It's not up to that guy whether or not he gets to talk to Gintoki, the only person that can make those decision is Gintoki himself.

Hijikata stops at a designated smoking area to light one up and he must still look thoroughly pissed off because people give him plenty of space. His mind is whirring and he's shaken up so much that he can't get his hands to stop that trembling thing they do more frequently now. He thinks once more about that night with Gintoki, it replays over and over, and the guilt is like a physical stab.

Had he lashed out like that at his brother, things would've been fine in the end. They'd be able to make up, Hijikata could apologize, and everything would be okay. Tamegoro knows Hijikata loves him, he knows how important he is, so taking some anger out on him would have resulted differently despite how ugly it'd be and how terrible Hijikata would feel afterward.

It's decidedly not the same with Gintoki, though, because Gintoki doesn't know he's... important. Hijikata hadn't really known, either, and that's part of what makes this hurt even more.

 _Because I think you could like me and that terrifies you_!

Hijikata closes his eyes and takes a deep breath – it shouldn't take someone yelling that into his face for him to realize it.

-o-O-o-

Approximately six nights since their fight, Hijikata is in his kitchen trying to focus on work, but it's not happening for him. This is a familiar dance now and it's not the sort of routine he wants or needs. There are good routines and bad ones. A good routine is like what he had before Gintoki where things were simple and uncomplicated. A bad routine is like what's occurring right this second – after Gintoki – where he's so racked with self-reproach and anxiety that he can't sit still for longer than a couple minutes at a time.

Hijikata isn't an entirely stupid man, but he thinks he might be since it has taken him this long figure out that the whole before and after Gintoki thing is a load of shit. He'd taken his feeling out on Gintoki – his fears, his anger, his frustration, he'd unloaded every ounce of it onto Gintoki, a man that doesn't deserve such treatment. Hijikata has been over this so many times that his head just swims with it and nothing is helping.

The confrontation with Gintoki's friend broke what little confidence he had and his attempts to get in touch with Gintoki have ended mostly in panic attacks since he still hasn't managed it. Hijikata has started going by the cafe they'd met in and he makes a stop multiple times a day, but Gintoki's never there. He has asked the employees there if they've seen him and though they all remember him, they can only tell Hijikata that they haven't seen him in a long time.

On top of that, Gintoki's apartment remains empty, dark, and untouched and it's a perfect reflection of how Hijikata feels. Just glancing at the dark apartment across from his own makes his heart beat faster because what if Gintoki doesn't come back? What if he moves out and Hijikata really has no chance of ever seeing or talking to him again? There's no sign of Gintoki's motorcycle, either, and Hijikata always gets hopeful whenever he hears one when he's walking to work. In the end, Hijikata knows so little about Gintoki that he doesn't have any idea where to look for him. His likes, dislikes, favorite places, interests – Hijikata knows next to _nothing_.

The stress of the whole thing is getting to him and he can feel a breakdown coming. It's too early in the evening to begin his ritual yet, so he's just biding his time and gets up to look out his window at Gintoki's apartment frequently. It's all he can do and it's so meager, but at the very least, it's something.

Hijikata's phone goes off and after he reads the text, his jaw drops. He doesn't recognize the number, he knows it isn't Gintoki's, but his gut tells him to follow its instruction, so he does. He calls for a cab and throws on clothes he thinks he might be fresh – they're not stained, at least. He grabs his keys and heads down to the street as quick as he can. Whether this is a scam or a prank, it doesn't matter, his chest is already aching and he's throwing himself into this head first.

-o-O-o-

Takasugi hears his front door open and he listens to the sound of footsteps hurriedly coming his way. He can tell who it is just from that and he lowers his book into his lap where he's casually sprawled out on the couch. Sakamoto enters the room and Takasugi raises a brow at his obvious discomfiture.

“Don't be mad!”

Takasugi sighs. “This can't be good... what'd you do this time? You didn't flood your floor again with soap water, did you?”

“No! And I wouldn't come to you for that again, anyway! I learned my lesson from last time!”

“Hm... then did you piss off Mutsu again?”

Sakamoto tosses his hands up as he paces. “I wouldn't come to you for that, either! You're useless with that kind of stuff!”

“I'm not useless just because you don't like what I have to say.”

“If it's not an immediate disaster, then why are you here?” Sakamoto stops pacing and his mouth twists in a grimace. Takasugi's eyes narrow as he asks in a dangerously soft voice, “What've you done?”

Sakamoto spills and Takasugi listens; the more he hears, the more horrified he becomes. Throughout the spiel, he slowly sits up until he's leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. His book is forgotten on the couch and this is perhaps one of the worst things Sakamoto has ever done.

“Katsura is going to kill you,” Takasugi states once Sakamoto has finished.

“He won't if he doesn't know!”

“Of course he'll find out! Who do you think we're talking about here?”

“If I don't tell him and you don't tell him, then he won't know!”

“You moron, he'll figure it out! Enjoy this conversation while you can because you're going to be a dead man soon!”

“Stop that! It might not even turn out bad!”

“That's not the _point_!”

Sakamoto starts pacing again. “I'm sorry! I had to do it! You know what Gintoki has been like!”

“That doesn't make things any better!” Takasugi shouts and throws one of the couch pillows at him.

“Well, it's done now!”

“Yeah, and Katsura might just kill me, too!”

“You didn't do anything!”

“I know now, so I'm practically an accomplice! You do realize you've put Gintoki in danger, right?”

Sakamoto whirls on him and Takasugi finds himself with a finger in his face. “I would never do that to him! I told you, he got drunk, he said some things I don't think he meant to, and I did what I felt was best!”

“If anything happens to him –”

“Your threats haven't worked on me for _years_ , Shinsuke, don't even try it. Either support me and help or call Katsura and send me to an early grave, your choice.”

Takasugi glares and Sakamoto must already know what Takasugi's answer is going to be because he starts to smile.

**To Be Continued**

 


	14. Interlude: The Friend Dilemma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being a good friend isn't easy.

Hijikata's leg is bouncing and his phone is clutched in his hand as he stares nervously out the window. He has been cooped up in the cab for ten minutes and he's so overcome with the urge to ask the driver how much longer until they get there. He's wired from lack of sleep and the sheer amount of anxiety over this whole venture makes the cab feel a lot smaller than it is. He feels like he might crawl out of his skin at any moment and it's such a _terrible_ feeling – he can't fucking believe he's actually doing this.

He spots Gintoki right away, he's easy to pick out, and Hijikata's nerves shoot through the roof of the cab and get lodged somewhere in the atmosphere. Gintoki's standing, clearly drunk, in front of the bar and there's a man approaching him. The guy is cautious at first, then once he realizes Gintoki's drunk, he moves in like a vulture and grabs onto his hips. The fury that grips Hijikata nearly blinds him and he's opening the door before the cab has even made a complete stop.

“Wait here, this won't take long.”

Hijikata gets out of the car and storms over, so livid he's shaking for reasons unrelated to his issues for once.

“Oi, get your hands off him!”

The guy looks up and there's a tipsy sneer on his lips. “Hah? Who're you?”

“The person who's about to kick your ass if ya don't get your grimy hands offa him right now.”

“He looked lost... I was just takin' him home, what's so wrong with that?”

“Off,” Hijikata snarls, grabbing the front of his shirt and forcefully walking him away from Gintoki. “When a cop tells you t'fuckin' do something, you fuckin' do it, ya hear?”

“Woah, man – what? Cop?”

“That's right, asshole.” Hijikata pulls his badge out of his pocket and waves it right in his face. “Cop. Now, get the fuck outta here and don't let me see your face again, got it?”

**((Art by:[Rounove](http://rounove.tumblr.com/)))**

“Ey, ey, alright, I'm gone,” he replies, raising his hands in surrender, but Hijikata still gives him a push for good measure.

When he turns back around, Gintoki is leaning on the brick wall with one hand braced against it. Hijikata puts his badge away and goes over to him, his heart still beating in his throat. Gintoki is a lot more drunk than he'd originally thought and even though he's using the wall for support, he's still swaying and looking like he might fall. Or puke. Or both.

Hijikata approaches slowly and his hands are shaking so bad that he has to keep them in fists. Gintoki stumbles against the wall, mumbles something that sounds vaguely like _excuse me_ , and pats the wall a couple times in apparent apology before resting his shoulder against it. Hijikata's heart lurches at such a _stupid_ thing and he's reminded once more what a good person Gintoki is – he apologizes to _walls_ when he thinks he has bumped into it. Taking a deep breath, Hijikata taps Gintoki on the shoulder to get his attention.

All the fear that Gintoki will recognize him get obliterated when Gintoki blearily turns to him and clutches the wall for support. His eyes are half-mast and hazy, he's so far gone that Hijikata is sure he has no idea where he is. Hijikata hates that there are so many people around, he hates that they're in public, and so he reaches for Gintoki's arm to fix the situation and get them someplace safer and more private.

“Hey, let's get out of here,” Hijikata cajoles and he's honestly kind of amazed that Gintoki just comes with him.

He has to support a lot of Gintoki's weight as they go to the cab, but he doesn't mind. Gintoki is so drunk, he won't be able to tell how bad Hijikata is shaking, and unexpectedly, Hijikata gets angry. If he can get Gintoki to come wit him this easily, it would've been just as easy for that other guy to take Gintoki away. As grateful as Hijikata is toward whoever it was that sent him the text, he's also furious with that person for leaving Gintoki on his own in such a state. Hijikata may not know Gintoki as well as he should, but the friend that texted Hijikata obviously does and yet still left Gintoki to get hit on by some old fuck.

“Shoot,” Gintoki slurs as his foot clips the pavement and he misses a step.

Hijikata takes on more of his weight, but Gintoki doesn't seem to notice too much because he's concentrating so much on his feet. He looks seconds away from passing out and Hijikata can't believe he's even _touching_ this man when he has absolutely no right to. It's enough to make him want to jerk away, but if he lets go, he knows Gintoki will fall – likely on his face – and that definitely can't be allowed to happen. Climbing into the cab is difficult since he has to maneuver Gintoki in first and get him sitting before Hijikata can follow, but he manages it even though it's painstaking.

“Back to the apartments?”

Hijikata sighs as Gintoki's head slumps against the window with a thunk. “Yeah.”

The driver heads that way and Hijikata sits still only for about a minute. He can't just let Gintoki headbutt the window with the glass fogging up beneath the heat of his breath, it's not right and it can't be comfortable. Gintoki might not care about comfortability right now being as drunk as he is, but Hijikata can't in good conscience leave him the way he is. So, he gently wraps a trembling hand around Gintoki's neck and carefully guides Gintoki into a different position. He means to just have Gintoki lean back against the seat and it works until the cab turns and Gintoki's head lulls onto Hijikata's shoulder.

He tenses up immediately and forces himself not to touch Gintoki anymore. If he were sober, he wouldn't allow it, and Hijikata won't take advantage of him. The entire ride is excruciating and after Hijikata pays the driver, the journey into the apartment is no less taxing. Gintoki mumbles things now and then, but most of it is nonsensical. He grunts and at times scoffs or huffs a laugh, but it's all further proof that he has no clue what's happening.

Getting Gintoki into the apartment is such a relief and Hijikata's shaking hasn't subsided in the least. He brings Gintoki into the bedroom and once Gintoki's knees hit the bed, he loses his balance and falls on his stomach, then doesn't move. Hijikata calls out to him and even pokes his leg a few times, but there's no response. Sure that Gintoki has finally passed out fully, Hijikata goes and opens his window wide to get some fresh air circulating. He has to pull out a cigarette and light up, a little something to ease the stress, but it doesn't do much for him. It's just a comfort, something he has done hundreds of times whereas whatever it is that's splayed out on his bed is all new territory for him.

-o-O-o-

“So, run me through this one more time,” Takasugi says and now he's pouring himself a drink. A _strong_ drink because he's obviously tempting fate and when doing such things, strong drinks are a prerequisite. “You and Gintoki went out for a drink.”

“Yeah.”

“He drank a lot more than you.”

“At least three times as much.”

Takasugi turns to face him, drink in hand, and leans back against the counter. “He finally says _something_ about that little bitch of a neighbor.”

“Very small things, yup.”

“Right, and because of that, you decide it's a good idea to take Gintoki's phone and text the aforementioned little bitch of a neighbor.”

“That's about what happened and I think it says a lot that Gintoki still even had the guy's number in his contacts.”

“Uh-huh,” Takasugi takes a swig, “Katsura is definitely going to kill you.”

“He might, but if things turn out for the better, then he has no reason to!”

“Yeah, we'll see about that. Are you _sure_ Gintoki left with the right guy?”

“Pretty sure! I'd only left Gintoki on his own out front for maybe two minutes before the guy showed up.” Sakamoto laughs softy as he remembers what exactly went down. “You should've seen him when someone started hitting on Gintoki!”

“Okay... what? You skipped that little detail earlier....”

“I was giving you the short version.”

“Now would be a good time to elaborate.”

“Pour me one of those drinks and I'll elaborate as much as you want.”

Takasugi rolls his eyes, but sets his glass down and starts making one for Sakamoto. He has a terrible feeling about this and he wants to be angrier at Sakamoto for what he did, but Gintoki hasn't been right for almost a week now. If he needs to get some closure with the bitch neighbor to get back to normal, then maybe this really is the best course of action.

“Here,” he says and sets the drink down in front of Sakamoto, “take your drink and elaborate for me.”

“Okay, okay, so I was there the whole time, I never let Gintoki out of my sights. After I texted the neighbor, the Hijikata guy, from my phone, I took Gintoki out front to wait for him. Figured it'd be easier that way since Gintoki was so drunk. I wish Gintoki had said something sooner when he was more sober, but he hadn't and I don't think he'd ever go along with this whole thing if he were sober, you know?” Takasugi nods and Sakamoto takes a pause for a gulp of his drink. “After about five minutes outside, I stepped away. I didn't want Hijikata to see me and really, I didn't want to have to talk to him, either. Within minutes of me moving aside, Gintoki got hit on by this older guy –”

“Why does he always get hit on by someone?”

Sakamoto tilts his head. “Because he's attractive? Why else?”

“No – well, _yes_ , but no, the amount of times he gets hit on is abnormal. It happens basically _every_ time we go out.”

“If this is about him getting more attention then you, I'm sorry, but I really don't want to hear it.”

“It has nothing to do with that and he doesn't get more attention than me, thanks.”

“It's the red eyes, I'm sure. We can analyze the statistics on that later, don't get me too sidetracked, I've had too much to drink for that.”

“Okay, Gintoki gets hit on by an older guy, then what?”

“This guy was really gross, the second he saw how drunk Gintoki was, he went right in and started feeling him up. He got his hands on Gintoki's hips and I was about to step in and clock the guy, but Hijikata beat me to it. He came out of nowhere and ripped the guy away from Gintoki, it was actually kind of cool. He looked familiar, so as I said, I'm _pretty sure_ it was the right guy. He took Gintoki away in a cab he'd kept waiting and I came straight here after that.”

“I still don't feel right about it. Give me your phone.”

“Why? What're you going to do?”

“I just want some verification! Phone, now!”

Sakamoto tosses his phone over and Takasugi catches it with one hand. He opens it up and finds the only number within the texts that doesn't have a name associated with it so he can send a text of his own.

-o-O-o-

Hijikata's phone goes off and when he looks, it's from the same unknown number as before.

 _You get him_?

He thinks about not replying, but eventually takes a picture of Gintoki passed out and sends that by way of answer. Now that he has Gintoki here, he doesn't know what to do with him. Hijikata isn't angry anymore, well... yes, he is, but it's wearing off to be replaced by so many other things. He has burned through several cigarettes and Gintoki hasn't moved from where he fell on the bed. Restless, Hijikata stubs out his current cigarette and gets up to do something, which turns out to be removing Gintoki's shoes.

Hijikata takes the shoes and places them by the entrance and he means to do something productive out there, but he ends up returning right back to his bedroom like he's drawn to it. He needs to start his nightly ritual, but it feels so _wrong_ to do it while Gintoki's here. Running a hand through his hair, he's reminded how shaky he is, and he goes to his window seat to get a few pills, just enough to make his hands shake less. He downs them with water from the faucet in the bathroom, then he's right back to his bedroom.

He sits on the edge of the bed and his stomach lurches as he looks down at Gintoki and _really_ looks at him. He hadn't let himself focus on it before, but now that Gintoki's settled and there's no one else around, Hijikata takes in the most startling difference about Gintoki.

His hair is shorter, a lot shorter, so trimmed it doesn't even look permy anymore. He's not bald or anything, there's still some hair, but it's short and significantly cut down. Someone cutting their hair isn't technically a big deal, but in this case, the loss feels personal. In the months he spent time with Gintoki, his hair never changed, not like this. Hijikata instantly feels like he's the one that brought this on and he might as well have been the one to cut it.

Surprisingly – or maybe not so surprisingly – the hair style doesn't look bad on him, it actually looks quite good. That doesn't remove any of the guilt, though, it only helps to highlight the fact that he has always found Gintoki to be incredibly attractive. For weeks and weeks, he has skirted around admitting too many things to himself, but there's no use in trying to lie anymore, he's in way too deep for that. Gintoki is easily one of the most attractive men he has ever seen and Hijikata has no willpower left to deny the obvious.

He's such a jumbled mess and his thoughts flicker from one thing to another. Gintoki on his _fucking_ sexy bike. Gintoki stuffing a piece of pizza into his mouth. Gintoki's dark voice in his ear as he takes full control. This isn't the first time he has had flashes of memories like this, each one bright and clear in his mind's eye. What he hasn't ever let himself think about is all the possibilities that can go along with his memories.

It's scary to let himself think that way because this bed can potentially become _their_ bed and this apartment can become _their_ apartment and he's not ready for that. But what he has learned is that he'll never be ready, not completely. He's not sure anyone is fully ready to make commitments of any kind to another person, especially ones this big.

Already, he's getting ahead of himself and making a mistake. He doesn't deserve to even have Gintoki in his apartment right now, not after what Hijikata did to him. Here he is letting himself consider a future with the man and he doesn't even fucking deserve one. He'll be lucky if Gintoki even sticks around long enough to hear him out and there will be _no_ relationship, not after what happened. Gintoki might forgive and might help him, but that'll be all it isn't. If Gintoki has any intelligence whatsoever, he'll be sprinting out the door the first chance he gets and Hijikata won't blame him.

“Such a fuckin' mess,” Hijikata tells himself and pulls at his hair hard enough for it to hurt.

Sleep won't come to him, he knows, so all he can do is take enough pills to keep himself from having too many side effects and... wait. He can't fantasize anymore about the possibilities because there aren't any, he lost every single one of those possibilities the moment he pushed Gintoki to the floor. Instead, he chooses to focus on what the hell he's going to say to Gintoki and figure how he can convince Gintoki to help him without compromising all his pride in the process.

This is going to be his longest night yet.

-o-O-o-

The second the phone goes off, Sakamoto flings himself over to Takasugi so they can look at it together.

“See? He's safe!”

Takasugi glares at him. “Are we seeing the same picture?”

“Uhh...” Sakamoto glances at the phone, “yes? Look, he's on a bed and everything!”

“He looks like he was dumped there! He's not even under the covers or anything! His shoes are still on!”

“Believe me, he's so drunk, he's not going to notice.”

“That's not the point! Just because he's passed out doesn't mean he can't catch a cold!”

“They might've just gotten there,” Sakamoto says, but it's a weak defense – he knows it even before Takasugi levels him with another glare. At the time, contacting Hijikata had seemed like a _good_ idea, but now... he's not so sure. He takes his phone and returns to his seat where his drink is waiting for him. “How about we ask for another photo later? Give the guy time to settle in? For all we know, he's freaking out as much as you are.”

“I'm not freaking out,” Takasugi takes a drink, “yet.”

“If we don't like what we see in the second picture, we know where the guy lives and we can just go take Gintoki back.”

“Fine, but I'm only agreeing because you're the one calling the shots with this debacle. If it were up to me, we'd already be on our way to pick him up and bring him here.”

Sakamoto grins. “You act so gruff all the time, but look at you! You're so concerned, you're ready to go for the jugular!”

“Only I get to mess with Gintoki,” Takasugi states. “When someone else does it, it just pisses me off.”

“Mm... speaking of people you mess with, how's that boy toy of yours doing?”

“Don't ask.”

“That usually means things are going well.”

Takasugi huffs, but deigns to answer, “I don't see him much, so I don't know why any of you bother asking about him.”

“Yes, it's almost like we care about you. How _awful_ that must be.”

“If you _cared_ about me, you wouldn't be dragging me down with you right now.”

“I'd say the opposite is true. I care about you _so much_ that if I'm going down, you're the one I want to go down with me.”

“I don't buy that for a second, you twisted shit.”

Sakamoto finally busts out the laugh he has been holding in and it's gratifying when Takasugi's smirks in response. At that moment, Sakamoto's phone rings and he's still laughing softly until he glances down to see who it is.

“It's Katsura!”

Takasugi stiffens, all traces of humor vanishing. “Don't answer!”

“I have to answer!”

“Do. Not. Answer.”

“If I don't pick up, he'll know something's wrong! He knows Gintoki is with me!”

“Except he's _not_ with you, so don't answer!”

Sakamoto debates for a moment longer before pressing the green button and raising the phone to his ear. There's a slapping sound as Takasugi shoves his face into his hand and Sakamoto is just glad that Takasugi hasn't thought to throw his drink at him... it wouldn't be the first time.

“Katsura! Hello!”

“ _How'd things go tonight_?”

“Good! Yeah, great! Fine! We had fun!”

“ _How was he_?”

“He's still pretty out of it, he barely said anything about what happened.”

“ _Barely is more than before, what'd he say_?”

Takasugi's glare is truly one for the record books and he's touching his glass like he's considering the pros and cons of throwing it.

“Little things,” Sakamoto admits because there's no need to lie about this part. “He was doing that thing where he acts all fine, but after he started smashing the drinks down, he mentioned random stuff and it was easy to tell he's still upset about whatever happened. Well, okay, no, not _easy_ , but easier, I guess.” Sakamoto knows he's rambling, but that sure doesn't stop him from continuing. “I jokingly mentioned that it seemed like he'd gotten attached and he grumbled something about proving that he's an idiot.”

“ _I think you need to put him on, I want to talk to him._ ”

“No, sorry! He's sleeping!”

“ _Sleeping? Where are you?_ ”

Takasugi shakes his head sternly and holds his arms up so they're crossed in the shape of an X.

“Safe at Takasugi's.”

Across from him, Takasugi slumps dramatically against the counter.

“ _Okay, good_.”

“He's going to have to go back to his apartment at some point.”

Sakamoto isn't paying attention, so when Takasugi suddenly tackles him, he loses his balance and they both fall to the floor. The phone clatters above them and though Takasugi is small, he's strong and slaps a punishing hand over Sakamoto's mouth as he grabs for the phone. Sakamoto reaches for it as well and since his arms are longer, he gets to it before Takasugi can.

“You _idiot_ ,” Takasugi practically growls, still not giving up. “Not only have you dragged me into this, but now you're intentionally provoking Katsura, what the hell are you _thinking_?”

“ _...lo? Guys? What's happening? What was that sound_?”

Sakamoto jerks and manages to press the speaker button as he shouts around Takasugi's fingers, “Nothing – hahaha! Takasugi's a bit drunk!”

“The hell I am!”

“ _Neither of you sound entirely sober_.”

Takasugi and Sakamoto worm around until they can sprawl out on their stomachs facing the phone, but Takasugi manages to get in one last little jab into Sakamoto's side.

“We're fine,” Sakamoto entreats. “Just taking it easy tonight.”

“ _That's probably best. How long did it take him to get drunk_?”

“Couple hours, but I was kinda pushing them on him.”

“ _You know that's not an effective method to get him to talk_.”

“It worked!”

“ _You got him to call himself an idiot, it doesn't take much to get him to do that...._ ”

“He said more than he did with you and your coddling!”

“ _I don't coddle him_!”

“You kind of do,” Takasugi murmurs and then looks like he wants to punch himself.

“ _I do_ not! _If anything, you two are the enablers! I just keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't get too low!_ ”

“Enabler,” Takasugi whispers fiercely and smacks Sakamoto upside the head. “That's exactly what you are!”

Sakamoto covers the microphone with his thumb and jerks a leg up to knee Takasugi's side.

“I'm not an enabler!”

“Instead of actually helping Gintoki, you enabled him to go back to that little bitch!”

“He has shit he needs to work through! We can help him bury what he's feeling, but we can't really help him resolve anything! We weren't even _there_ , we don't know what happened!”

“And then you sent him there when he was drunk off his entire ass! How do you think he's going to feel when he wakes up thinking he's safe with you and realizing he's alone with a guy that hurt him in some way?”

Sakamoto pauses. “When you put it like that....”

“ _Will one of you answer me?_ ” Katsura bellows and both of them snap their heads up to look at the phone.

Sakamoto removes his thumb and laughs. “Sorry! We're just... on the floor.”

“You are the worst,” Takasugi whispers vehemently.

“ _That's it,_ ” Katsura says, “ _I'm coming over._ ”

“No, that's okay!” Sakamoto yelps. “I – haha – we're not sober, you're right! We were actually just on our way to bed when you called!”

“ _I'm coming over,_ ” Katsura repeats more firmly.

“That's really not needed,” Takasugi says coldly and only Sakamoto can tell that he has stopped breathing.

“ _It's not? Alright, then put Gintoki on the phone, let me talk to him, and I won't come over_.”

Sakamoto twitches. “You want us to... wake him up?”

“ _Yes_.”

Takasugi rolls away from him and Sakamoto can't even reach out to stop him. He just watches Takasugi roll until he hits the wall and can't roll anymore.

“He's... uh... so drunk he's not waking up....”

Takasugi shimmies and starts slowly dragging himself to the door while Sakamoto flounders.

“ _Stop right there, Shinsuke._ ” Takasugi freezes in his wriggly escape attempt, his eyes narrowed, and Sakamoto's head hits the floor in defeat. No one knows how Katsura _knows_ things, it's an ongoing and never-ending mystery. A sigh comes from over the phone line, then, “ _Gintoki isn't there with you, is he_.”

It's not a question, but Sakamoto answers anyway, “Not exactly.”

“ _Did you lose him when you went out_?”

“Give me _some_ credit, I'm not _that_ irresponsible!”

Takasugi makes a soft gargling sound like he disagrees, but other than that, he remains unmoving and silent.

“ _If he's not there with you... then where is he_?” There's a steely note to Katsura's voice and it makes Sakamoto stiffen. As the pause stretches, Sakamoto looks to Takasugi for help, but that's ineffectual because Takasugi has taken to playing dead rather than being at all helpful. “ _If I were you, I'd choose your next words_ very _carefully_.”

Sakamoto swallows and attempts a weak laugh. “Maybe you should come over.”

“ _I'm already on my way._ ”

The line clicks off and Sakamoto swiftly joins Takasugi in playing dead.

**To Be Continued**

 


End file.
